Enjoying the Journey: From Stress and Loathing to Acceptance

I have been hearing many conversations lately that discuss how our world is riddled with poisons to such an extent that people are sick and dying to a greater extent than ever before. Toxic chemicals are added to our food, clothing, toys, house building materials, furniture, etc. Diseases like cancer and autism are on the rise. The more I find out, the more I feel disheartened; how can I possibly overcome this mountain? While I truly respect those on soapboxes trying to get out the word on this state of affairs, I am left feeling incredibly helpless; I want to crawl under a rock and hide, I want to disengage, I want to shut it all out, I want to ignore what I hear. But I cannot ignore it because it is there and my ears and eyes are working just fine.

For many years (perhaps my whole life) I frequently engaged self-loathing as I counted all the "bad" things I did on a regular basis. My thoughts were always "someday..." Someday I will be a gluten free raw vegan to reduce toxins I take in from gain, animal, and cooked products. Someday I will stop consuming junk food so I do not ingest so many chemicals and so few nutrients. Someday I will have a piece of land to be self-sufficient on and build a home without toxic building materials and that is kinder to the environment. Someday I will stop haplessly consuming and buying plastics. Someday I will make or grow everything I need. Someday, someday, someday. My point is that now is never good enough because I always believe there is something I could be doing better. In some of my recent writings in my psychology classes I have come to realize that I lack self-love and self-compassion. Perhaps I will explore more on that later. For now, suffice it to say, I never felt I was good enough and I always lived for the future.

I had an amazing experience last week that helped me realize that I am happy where I am at and that I do not want to be where I thought I would be; not if it was done at the expense of self-love and other-love and involves extreme inconvenience. Until recently I would not have been ready for my experience because I was too self-conscious about myself. I have, however, found a small level of comfort with myself and so I was ready to go into a situation where I was out of my element and stuck out like a sore thumb. This was a rugged, 'back to the land' experience; although it was not as rugged as it could have been but rugged enough to make me realize I loved, and did not want to part with, some conveniences I currently enjoy: such as a shower, heat, and a toilet across the hall :). It was almost as if life was telling me, "So you think this is what you want, well here is a chance to experience that.” Wow! Is all I can say. I am so thankful that I have a toilet across the hall, that I have a heated house, and that I have access to a shower anytime I feel grimy.

This brings up an interesting dichotomy (well sort of) about convenience. At what point does convenience hurt the earth and is it possible to have convenience and still be in harmony with the earth? Put a bit differently, at what point is convenience harming my health, such as the constant exposure to electromagnetic energy in the electricity and chlorine and fluoride in the water, and at what point is convenience ok, or even beneficial to me? I suppose I will have to cogitate more on these questions, but one thing I do know is that for now, I am fine where I am at. I know I will continue to grow and increase my healthy actions, I know that I will gradually make changes, and I know that I am ok with gradual. I also know that I will find a balance between what is best for me and what is best for the earth and what is best for society.

As for life right now, sure I will continue to be surrounded by harmful toxins. I know this will not change anytime soon. Armed with this knowledge I cannot fret about this state of affairs nor can I run around frantically like I just cut off my finger in an effort to put out those proverbial fires. If these toxins are so harmful to my health, and I am not arguing that they are harmless, then it seems to me that being in a state of constant stress is even more harmful to my body and will potentially weaken my immune system enough to allow these toxins to harm me. For now, while I am growing and making gradual change, I feel it is best for me to accept my current state of affairs rather than stress about it. Stress will harm me more in the end because of its compound effects. Hmmm, perhaps I will write more about stress and how it affects the body. For now I choose to let go of the anger, fear, and self-righteous condemnation. I refuse to be a fear monger to myself or anyone else. I choose to be happy and content with gradual growth.

Part 4 of 4: This Year's Goals and Pictures of My Garden

My plans for this summer are to make my keyhole beds more defined and to continue building them up with organic matter. To assist this I want to make more cement paver stones to finish out the outlining of the beds. I am excited to see how well my comfrey does and I am getting impatient to add it to my mulches. I also plan to buy some white clover for a general ground cover because it is low growing, tolerates cutting if need be, and is a good dynamic accumulator. I think it is important to add more garlic and onion and I want to get some marigolds going, which keep failing from seed, so I will probably buy some of these plants to get them going.  The marigolds, onions, and garlic will act as general pest detractors; I will keep my eye out for other odoriferous/strong smelling plants. I will keep researching about building soil fertility and may find some other plants I wish to add to aid in this effort. I also want to research nectary plants to act as an attractor for beneficial insects like lady bugs; insects that act as predators to other pest bugs like aphids. Another goal of mine, more long term, is to plant more items from direct seeding into the ground. Paul Wheaton also made a good argument about transplanting plants means the plants will not have a taproot because it is highly sensitive and is always killed in the transplanting process; I cannot remember the exact podcast but I am sure if you search the archives at the link for the soil health podcast then you can find it along with seeing all his other wealth of information.  Finally I want to figure out how to construct mini swales and integrate some huglekultur into my layout. I will keep you posted on how my garden develops. For now, here is an article that discusses hugle culture http://www.richsoil.com/hugelkultur/.

The picture below is a sketch of my L-shaped garden space. Each square represents 4 square feet or 2'x2'.  

The picture below is of the entrance to my garden. The purple plum with the green leafed plum and apricot growing underneath are in the foreground on the top, left corner. The middle section shows my makeshift arbor; a carport put up originally to serve as a greenhouse but I used as an arbor instead. On the right side of the arbor is the wire fence I attached for vining plants (grapes and kiwis will be trained up and accross and I want some others like peas or something on the fence). The paver stones are my primitive start to laying out key hole beds. As you can see the grasses and weeds are clipped low but are left to cover the bare dirt. At the end of the arbor is one of my volunteer trees (I believe is a plum). In the background behind the arbor but inside the fence are my volunteer trees: to the left are my other two volunteer trees, my apple is in the middle but hidden behind the volunteer tree under the arbor, and the peach on the right. Directly behind those trees and the fence is the grove of trees behind our property (some of those trees are cotton wood trees).

The next two pictures sort of show the plight of the stressed tree trying to reach the sun while the apricot has successfully reached it.

The next picture is a better view of my peach and apple trees with a back view of the arbor. The peach is on the left with a walnut tree touching it (apparently the walnut want to join this garden because he was 4' away last year) and the apple is on the right.

Part 3 of 4: Current Year, The Arbor, and Lessons From a Stressed Tree

Through the winter of 2011-12 I did lots of reading and planning. I started understanding a concept called key hole gardening so I restructured my beds to take that shape. I also realized that I needed to hold off on any other plantings and focus intently on building up the health of the soil. I also started learning about making swales; which I am still looking for a good resource on because I am missing something :).

I left to visit my family just prior to this year’s leafing out of the plants; when I came back three weeks later, I was pleasantly surprised. My peach and apple came back, my grapes came back, and my three mystery trees were lush and vibrant. Six of my eight comfrey plants I planted came up too. All of my strawberries made appearances. Even though nearly all of my mail order plants died and my cereal seeds never came up I still felt a great sense of accomplishment that my important plants, important to me that is, all made it through their first year and were happily establishing themselves.

This year, I took a more proactive approach to my weeds rather than the love/hate bipolar relationship I had before. I decided to trim them down as a general ground cover so I would not have bare soil rather than letting them rule until I had enough of them. This  approach of cutting them has been much more effective control than last year where I was trying to hoe them up. It seems my cutting them back is keeping them in check whereas hoeing seemed to encourage them. I am starting to understand a bit of information about succession and thus I have noticed that the variety of my weeds is slowly changing. The first year I had a ton of milkweed. The next year I had milkweed mixed with grasses. This year I have more grass and fewer milkweeds. I also have another weed which I am not sure what it is; but it provided good mulch. Like I said, the weeds are more manageable this year. This could be due to my perception shift of having them work for me rather than trying to have a love/hate bipolar relationship with them. This could also be due to maintenance on my part. It could be due to the land recognizing my intentions. I could be due to succession. It could be due to all of that or none of that, but the weeds are not as much of a problem.

I have made sure that my main plants are well clear of weed invasions that could choke them out. I am not too concerned with the weeds competing with the tree roots because many weeds have deep taproots which go much deeper than the shallow tree roots. I do know that the grasses may be competing, however, so my goal is to eventually have the beds so well mulched and properly planted that they are not a concern. I know they are nature’s attempt to start succession;  however, I want to control the direction of her succession in my garden and perhaps speed it up.

I still irrigate my plants because I have not built any water storage into the soil; like I said I am trying to figure out how to do that. I have noticed, though, that my plants need less irrigation and when I irrigate the water does not run off like it used to. This is not just my imagination. In the areas where I put the leaves this last fall, the water just soaks in; the areas that did not have the leaves the water quickly runs off. So I guess I am doing something right; increasing the soil fertility by giving it dead plant materials is helping increase the soil drainage. From what I understand then, I can deduce that I have probably increased the earth worm population through my mulch which in turn aerated the soil. During the winter I was also regularly adding my extra water kefir grains and their juice; I am not sure if or how that helped, but I was just following my intuition that perhaps they would add to the soil microbial level.

A surprise I was not expecting this year came from my trees: they set fruit. My one year old apple and peach both set fruit and so did my three mystery trees. It was hard for me to determine the identity of these mystery trees because I had the paradigm that they came from the roots of the grove of trees behind my house; it never entered my thought process that they came from the roots of some trees that were on the property. Last summer I finally figured out that they bore a strong resemblance to two trees I never took much notice of; two trees that I thought were both apricots that had been forced to grow under the canopy of a purple tree which I am told is a plum. I was also told that the two trees were different: one was an apricot and the other was a different variety of plum. I was not convinced because the two trees were nearly identical; or so I thought until I got better at observing them. When those trees set fruit this year I had my last piece of evidence to show me they were different and which one was the parent of my trees: they belonged to the green leafed plum tree. Their fruits were smooth and not fuzzy like the apricots (which had fruited before); so I guess they are plums. Their parent or the purple tree they grow under have never set fruit; this year both set a few fruits so this helped me in identifying the mystery trees.

Now that my observation skills have improved, I have set myself to assisting the highly stressed green-leafed plum; I believe it sent out its runners because of the stress. Unlike its partner the apricot, this tree had never reached the light. The apricot fruited because it was in the light; this one never fruited because no sun ever reached it. Whenever it sent out side branches it was immediately pruned. I took it over this year and kept those side branches and pruned out the top ones that were growing up into the purple-leafed plum in their vain attempt to reach some sun. I also tied a particularly long branch I found over to my arbor with the hope that if this branch was in the sun that it would encourage others to follow it too. I did this only four days ago, but I could swear that the tree looks fuller on the side and certain branches seem like they are taking more effort to reach for the sun. Another interesting event is that the apricot has found my arbor and has taken a fancy to it. Now my arbor that was originally for grapes and kiwis will now host apricots and plums growing over the top.

This is an interesting observation for me to illustrate an important concept in the canopy of the forest garden. From what I read, the trees should be placed in such a way that some sunlight is still able to penetrate to the garden floor. The edge of the forest, where it meets a field, is usually the most productive place of the entire forest; the interior of the forest is the least productive. While many plants do quite well in deep shade and many perennials grew up in forests originally, they were always more productive where they received dappled sun. The lesson that this tree showed me was that some sun is still important; I will keep this in mind so I do not plant too densely. I think this may be another reason that I have intuitively held off on getting more plants.

My comfrey are other plants I want to discuss. The comfrey plant that is the biggest is in dappled sun, but high shade. The next biggest one is near that area too. Both of these plants are in my arbor area for the grapes and kiwis. One grape is also growing in this dappled sun but once it grows up a bit it will be in full sun; just the floor is quite shaded. Four other comfrey plants emerged last week; two on each side of my peach, one by the apple, and the fourth in an area I was going to make a bed but later decided against so it is out in the middle of an area with no companions except the grasses. All four are in full sun and they seem to be struggling. Frankly I am surprised that they are still growing and preserving. I did not realize that they needed partial shade to grow so the full sun is probably quite taxing. The ones under the peach and the apple will eventually be shaded but their trees are still very young and quite sparse. I am interested to see what nature will do with these plants; if they will live or die or die back and come back when there is more shade. Next to the comfrey under the peach are some onions growing so this combination is probably greatly helping the fertility of the soil around the peach; I wonder if this will be enough to keep the peach pest free. I heard from Paul Wheaton in his latest podcast at http://www.richsoil.com/permaculture/1777-162-berms-and-cherry-tree-intervention/ that fertile soil, which leads to healthy plants, is enough to keep most pests away. Time will tell I guess. This little interaction along with how the comfreys develop should be interesting to observe. In part four, I wish to espouse some of my goals for this year and I also want to show you some pictures of what my garden currently looks like and a picture of a scale, but not exact, drawing I did showing the dimensions and the placements of my plants.

Part 2 of 4: 2011 Year Two The Garden Takes Shape

By the spring of 2011 I had compiled a large list of plants I wanted to put in my garden. I had read more on permaculture but I did not heed the advice to observe the land and sculpt it before putting in permanent plantings of perennials. I was too impatient and I wanted to grow my own food. As I was perusing for plants I quickly realized that organic, non-GMO, heirloom, etc were not only expensive but were hard to find. I made the decision that I could embark on that path little by little, but since what I really wanted was to get my forest garden going, I decided to temporarily put those standards on hold. Off to Costco, Home Depot, and mail order catalogues I went. At Costco I purchased a three in one grafted apple tree, a peach tree, and some blueberry bushes. At Home Depot I purchased a red grape, a green grape, and a raspberry. From the mail order I purchased cold-hardy kiwis, sweet pea perennial plants, two paw-paw, some honeysuckle vines, strawberries, and a few other plants. I did not have the knowledge to take starts of these plants nor did I have the resources of where to get those starts from in the first place. I was slightly concerned that my very inexperience would spell doom for these plants but I was too impatient. If these plants did die then I was out a small chunk of change; but I also realized I would have valuable experience.

I had my plants well before it was planting time in my area. I kept them in a dark shed but never the less they decided to prolifically leaf out. Concerned for their health because they were only in a bark medium, I made the decision to plant them even though I was concerned it was too cold. I dug holes, put in leaf debris and kitchen scraps in the bottom hopping they would give some nutrients, placed the plant, and filled with dirt. I did not amend the soil to proper conditions, I did not add fertilizer, I did not add mulch, I did not add sand to break up my clay soil, I did not test my soil density, I did not test soil ph, and I did not do what I was “supposed to do” when planting a plant. I only gave them was a leafy bottom to sit on. I was certain I spelled out their death sentence. I still did not understand that forest gardening was about purposeful manipulation of the environment to provide the best conditions for the plant. I thought forest gardening went in the opposite direction from traditional gardening with its focus on letting the plant fend for itself. I later realized that this fending was only done once all its needs had been met by the gardener. It was never supposed to be a sink or swim on its own ordeal.

Some of my plants died, particularly the mail order ones; however, most survived. My two grapes that I thought had died made a comeback this year. Once I got all these plants in the ground and delineated their actual beds with a border of cement paver stones I made a few years ago, I decided that my next step was to companion plant them. I began looking for companion plant lists and found several plants to add to my wish list for next spring. At this time I kept having a nagging idea that I needed to focus my efforts on building soil fertility. I began searching for dynamic accumulator plants. During this time I also began nurturing two other volunteer mystery trees that were identical to the first. I also took active steps to identify them.

For the fall I ordered comfrey roots and some cereal seeds buckwheat and rye that are supposed to be good cover crop plants. I decided that I wanted to cover the empty spaces with beneficial nutrient offering plants, also known as dynamic accumulators. Once the leaves fell from the trees I piled them up on my new beds. It was so nice to see my garden taking shape. In part three, I discuss the third and current year of my forest garden, I describe my arbor, and my lessons learned from a stressed plant.

Part 1 of 4: Beginnings of My Forest Garden

I have made allusions to the idea that I have a forest garden going and I posted my research paper that first motivated me to start forest gardening; yet, I have never actually described my garden. Here is my attempt to explain what I have going on, where my knowledge is currently, and some directions I want to head in. I split this into four parts. Part one is the first year I tried to implement some forest garden concepts. Part two is the second year where my efforts looked more like forest gardening with the planting of trees and plants that would serve as my backbone of sorts. Part three is my current year of tending my forest garden and the insights I have gained. Finally, in part 4 I listed my goals for this year and posted some pictures of my current garden.  

Two years ago in spring of 2010, I took over the management of an L-shaped garden space. This space was previously organically cultivated with typical row vegetables like corn, peppers, tomatoes, squash, etc. A few months prior to this time I had written my research paper on forest gardening so I was very excited to put into practice what I had learned… which as it turned out barely scratched the surface :).

                                                                                               

I cleared out a section of weeds and proceeded to seed in a 10’x10’ section of corn, sunflowers, beans, and squash. I was trying to grow the traditional three sister’s crop, corn, beans, and squash that I wrote about in my paper. I was also growing the sunflowers for their added shade and to experiment with a rapid, mini-upper story. Those plants were very brave… For the rest of the growing season they only received supplemental watering once a week and they had weeds knocking on their doorstep as constant companions. I was admonished to pull the weeds, but my newbie research led me to believe that all weeds were good, that they had just as much right to live as any cultivated plant, that they would help rather than harm, etc. I now realize that not all weeds are good, that it is ok to direct their growth habits, that they provide excellent mulch, and many other things about weeds; but I also admit that I have a lot of learning in this area.  As for the water thing, I was convinced that plants could live without supplemental watering… Little did I know that this is only true if I put time and effort into sculpting the land to hold the water. Ooops.

Well, by the time fall came I had a garden full of weeds, none of my plants could produce anything beyond some attempts at upward growth because they were so dehydrated, and my first attempt to forest garden was an utter flop. When the leaves began to drop from the trees and all the weeds died back I attempted to put down a kill mulch of several layers of newspaper; needless to say the wind had other ideas so it was a mulch that never was. I did, however, make my first real attempts to nurture some perennials. During the summer a strange tree started growing off to the side of my garden space. I was told to cut it down because it was one of “those pesky trees” that lived in a grove behind our house. I liked it and those trees as well. I said I was keeping it. I carefully wrapped its trunk in newspaper to officially mark it as my tree. I said it would be the upper story in my garden because it would reach 50’ or so if it were one from the grove behind our house. It did not occur to me until later that the upper story did not have reside in my small garden space. Just prior to the leaf drop I also rescued some baby trees from a grove of walnuts and peaches that was cultivated on an adjacent spot to my garden. I transplanted a walnut and two mystery trees. I also wrapped around their trunks at the base. With that I put my feeble attempt of a forest garden to bed for the winter. I am not a master gardener so I did not mulch or “cleanup” my space of dead debris. In part two I will discuss my 2011 planting year.

40 Days of Blogging and Being More Human

Lately I have been mulling over how I want this blog to appear because it is ultimately a reflection of me. I have had the thought for some time now that I wanted to be more authentic in my daily dealings rather than hiding behind the veil of pretense. This blog, up to this point, has not been an accurate reflection of me; it was the polished version of me that I wanted to show the world. My dream, as crazy, redundant, and ambiguous as it sounds it to help people emerge from the darkness of their lives. This is my purpose for studying psychology: I do not want to drug people up I want to help them find the source of their problems and fix it. This is my purpose for studying forest gardening: to help feed the world by providing a light at the end of the tunnel. This is my purpose for unschooling, attachment parenting, and things in this vein: so my daughter can build immunity from the world's darkness by retaining her own light. This is my purpose in whatever I do.



I realized the other day that I would never achieve this dream. My failure to achieve this has nothing to do with the darkness of the world; rather it has everything to do with my embrace of the darkness and refusing to let go. It is my fault that I will never reach this dream of helping others emerge from the darkness. It was a very downtrodden moment for me to come face to face with the realities of my current mode of thinking and realize that the potential outcome would be something that would not help people but would contribute to that perpetual chain of endless misery. In other words, I would end up assisting the very thing I seek to eliminate. I do not want to contribute to that endless chain of misery.



At this point I have two options that I can see. One, I continue my current path or two, I take the detour. Well I cannot find the detour until I can define my path right now. That is not entirely true because I can take the detour at anytime; however, I will gain much more from it if I know what I need to work on. Thus I suppose it is more accurate to say that I do not feel the detour would do me any good or advance me toward my dream if I taint it with my darkness.



Well first off, I seem to thrive on pretense. So I feel my first step should be to practice self-authenticity. I think it will take me awhile to be comfortable speaking my mind to those around me and standing up for what I believe in rather than letting them walk all over me. For now, I will practice my authenticity online so perhaps this will give me greater courage in face to face interactions.



How will I do that? Well I am going to start with this blog. For starters, I am setting a goal for myself to put up at least one blog post per day for the rest of May and all of June. Next, I want to discuss more thoughts in the raw meaning thoughts that come to me rather than waiting to present them along with an image. For three, I want to blog about my daily upsets and victories like a journal. Four, I want to write regular updates on some of my projects. Five, I want to show people my human side. This last part is perhaps the most important to my goal of helping others find their light. I cannot hope to help people if I myself seem aloof or on a pedestal; no, I have to be human and admit my mistakes so that we are comrades in the crazy and sometimes embarrassing arena of life changes.



So to recap the goal I have set for myself: I will blog at least one entry for the next 40 days by including my very human thoughts and my progress on the current status of my projects. These posts may seem more like rambling than what I have written, but it is my hope to connect with my deeper subconscious and bring this power into my daily interactions.



To the birth of wonderful creations,

~Tiffany

Expanding the Defninition of Teacher

Recently I have had the feeling that I was at a new stage in my life. I felt I was ready to move on and explore life from a hands-on perspective. I felt certain that I was finally ready for a teacher to guide me on this path. This last week I had an interesting experience that led me to realize that my definition of teacher was limited. First off, I thought a teacher was someone who specifically took me on as a student with the purpose to enlighten me on particular concepts. Second, I thought a teacher was supposed to purposely inspire me and help me question my attachments. I suppose it is obvious at this point that I am taking about a special type of teacher although these definitions could fit any teacher to various degrees. The teacher I was waiting for was a spiritual teacher.

My experience this past week, culminating today, helped me realize this definition was too narrow. I realized that all human interactions have the potential to help one learn about oneself; especially when strong feelings arise. I also realized that a teacher does not have to know they are teaching. Even if a person does not think he or she has something to pass along it does not mean that what he or she does know will not benefit someone else. I also realized that how we interact with people can be a better teacher than forced or on-purpose teaching. The experience I speak of was an encounter with another person and emotions were intense. While things did not turn out as I secretly hoped they would, I did learn a tremendous amount from this experience even though this person emphatically posited that he was not a teacher. He was a teacher because I was willing to listen to the lesson born from our interaction.

This brings me to the idea I have struggled with for so long. I fully realize that as a parent I am onstage. My daughter will or can pick up anything and everything I do and mimic it with beautiful accuracy. I tell you, if you want to know what your dark side looks like watch your children; if something they do makes you mad then most likely it is something about yourself that you do not want to admit. Because my daughter mirrors me I get instant feedback. Isn't that what a teacher does is provide feedback.

However, these teacher/student relationships are quite ambiguous. The teacher is not trying to teach and the lessons are up to what the student observes and processes. In the case of children they are not necessarily teaching but showing and it is up to the individual to assimilate this information. I can only learn lessons from my daughter because I am open to observing and integrating them. It is the same thing with this experience I had.  He was not teaching; we were interacting and I was observing myself. The lessons I gained were not from lesson plans that he prepared; I had to find the lessons.

I realized that at any moment the individual has the potential to be a teacher and a student; it all depends upon our agreed upon interaction with the other individual(s) and what we truly need. A verse from the Bible keeps wondering through my head that said something like, "Blessed is he who can see without seeing and hear without hearing". I always thought a proper teacher would cross paths with me and our roles would be well defined. In other words,  I would see and hear in the very physical sense. If, however, teacher/student roles are more subtle then that means one must be astute enough to realize what is going on without the sensory seeing and hearing. Thus the question is can I learn without seeing and hearing meaning can I learn from the ambiguity of life?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned today and the potential for more freedom from self-bondage.

Self-Compassion

My daughter is my inspiration to be a better person; I have completely changed my thoughts regarding parenting so I can help her achieve her "potential". I work hard at practicing non-violent communication and practicing cooperation rather than coercion. But it seems that no matter how hard I try my daughter and I often butt heads. My daughter's personality is almost exactly like mine so we but heads frequently. As our wills collide I often find my desires of cooperation and communication flying out the window as I engage in my programming of yelling and coercion. I hate it when I do this and I feel like it isn't even me. I get so angry at myself for acting in this way; so opposite of good communication. As I chided myself I came up with plans on what I would do next time. Then next time came and those plans were not there; my programming was. I realized that to end this cycle, something had to change. As I took steps to remember my small successes I embraced self-compassion. Through this I was able to begin the process toward recognizing small potentials.  



Awhile back I realized the need for self-compassion. What this means is that I give myself permission to be me and I remove the yardstick of comparison. I attempt to look at my life within a larger scope and remember all the progress I have made; even if it isn't the same area. Remembering this progress helps me realize that every day I get better and better at leading a more in tune life. Self-compassion gives me permission to make mistakes and helps me look at mistakes in a different light; reframing them to a positive way. When I act compassionately toward myself, then I can give compassion toward others. Thus when I feel myself getting angry I let myself express that, but I also remember that I need to cool off before continuing. I walk away, I count, or I ask my husband to take over. Either way, I am interrupting my normal response. Then, when I have a chance to think over it I tell myself my response was ok, that I am ok, and that I am learning. I searched for what I do that was positive and I focused on that even if the only positive thing was my pattern interrupt. Focusing on the positive enables me to remove myself from the negative rumination.



Another trick I discovered in self-compassion is to pick my battles. For example, I used to yell and get angry at my daughter for failing to clean up the room. We live in tight quarters and her play room is also our sleeping room where I lay out our bedding on the floor each evening therefore the room must be completely picked up. One day I realized that the yelling was ridiculous and it made me feel icky to get so angry. Therefore I made the decision that if I wanted the toys a particular way then I would assist her clean up. I would set the example of what I wanted rather than expecting her to respect what I had already established. Even if she did not help me but continued to play, I knew my example was important so I continued. Yes there are many times where I cleaned up the whole room by myself. I picked my battle, decided that the relationship with my daughter and a tidy room were both important to me so I took actions to preserve both. Many months later, I am finally seeing my efforts paying off. My daughter and her cousin who often plays with her are both more contentious about their mess and both take efforts to clean up and put things away where they belong. Many nights of yelling and anger to get them to do it correctly did not work. However, many nights of setting the example and choosing peace did. I could list many other areas where I choose my battles but the most important thing is to decide what I wanted and take actions to model what I wanted. I am not suggesting that I have it all figured out, but I have made significant progress.

Potential

Human potential. My potential. Living up to potential. Thoughts and actions that harm my potential. Am I moving toward my potential? Should I do something to move quicker? Should I do something specific to get there? Should I specifically decide what my potential is and what activities or thoughts are conducive to getting there? Hmmm...

What is potential? This question rings as a constant companion in my thoughts as I obsess in getting there. I believe that I can be like Jesus; to do the things he did. I also believe that I can be more than he was like he suggested. I believe that my current life is not living up to my potential. I believe I am wasting my potential. I believe I should whip myself into shape and force myself to toe the line of an upstanding and empowered individual. But is this line of thinking correct?

If I believe my potential is somewhere out there and all my actions cause me to fall miserably short, then will I ever reach potential? What if potential is not some big thing to aspire to someday? What if I looked at the present? If I were to look at the present moment and say, "this is what I am right now", then how would that change this concept of potential?

Right now I sit at my desk typing away on my laptop. I worked on homework for awhile, checked my email, attended to Facebook, played a game, worked on homework some more, changed my kefir grains to new sugar water, bla, bla, bla. Right now I am involved in a typical routine; a routine I work toward to better myself. Sure there are things I could do better in this routine. I could exercise in the morning, I could stop looking at my email and Facebook hoping for a distraction, I could stop playing games, etc. If I were to look at my day I can give a dissertation about all thing things I should be doing; things that are "keeping" me from my potential. Things that show I am lazy and hold me back; habits that I struggle to change. But that is all in the future. What about right now? Honestly, I am tired of this concept of potential and how it has become a yardstick to gauge myself by. Big surprise, or perhaps not, I often measure myself as lacking :(.

Maybe I am looking at this whole potential thing wrong. Not only should I look at what I am doing in the present, but I should also look at what I am doing well. What have I achieved that I was unable to before? Where am I better? Where have I grown? What is my overall trend? Am I growing? Am I stagnant? What time frame am I looking at for comparison? Am I being fair or am I somehow skewing and misinterpreting the results so that I look bad?

I am going to try something. For the next month or so I promise to monitor my thinking in regard to potential. Instead of looking at potential as something out there, I promise to look at potential as something in here; something that is right here, right now, with me at all moments. If something happens that I feel "keeps" me from my potential, then I promise to address my thinking and refocus it. I have done this on a limited scale when I practice self-compassion by picking my battles, but I want to apply it to all my thinking; particularly the rumination that states I am doing something wrong. I promise to find what I did do “right” and focus on those wins rather than ruminating on the losses. I promise to tell myself that I did the best I could and at that moment I lived up to my potential. I promise to recognize that potential is always about what is possible at the moment rather than something out there. Everything is a part of everything else and everything is always a part of something bigger. Sure there is the big potential of an event in some far off future. There are also the smaller potentials that stack up to create the larger potential. I promise to recognize the smaller potentials, the small wins, the small acceptances, and the small events that lead to the larger event. I am who I am today because of all that I was before.

Remember before when I spoke of the windfall effect? This idea of an unreachable potential yardstick of comparison is an example of a windfall. It states that potential is only some far off event and that currently you are not living up to it. It expects you to act well and appropriately as if to live your potential now. It fails to account for the accumulation of potentials, for the accumulation of energy, for the accumulation of stuff, or for the parts and pieces that make up the whole. It expects everything at once and will always judge as lacking because everything is not manifest. It is a lie we tell ourselves so that we can hide from our true selves. The fact is, I and you are more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. Therefore, it is my assumption that if I learn to recognize the smaller potentials then a day will come when I will see the project they contributed to building; the project of me. Until then I can still see the whole in the pieces and be thankful for each of them because without them then I would be incomplete. I, for one, am tired of feeling incomplete therefore I want to gather all my minute potentials and recognize them as complete in and of themselves. 

 Update

Well I am not sure if I have adequately addressed my poisonous thought process; that is a process and will take time to undo 31 years of conditioning. I can say that today I happier than I was six months ago. My life is  flowing, I am becoming more social, I am comfortable waiting, and I recognize the achievements I have. I came across and article today, June 12, 2012 on potential. I believe I wrote before about my beliefs with the potential of the human brain. I now know I want to partner with that amazing mass between my ears so that we can co-create wonders. I always wondered if humans could teach themselves to achieve feats like those seen on Phenomenon; for the first time someone has confirmed my suspicion. Here is the link to the article http://rethinkingeverythingtheblog.com/2012/06/12/mind-power/.

Being a Blessing

A month or so ago, I made an important decision. I decided that mourning the state of my life and circumstances was illogical and stupid; it only made me feel sad, despondent, depressed, angry, and sorry for myself. It gave me permission to hide and pretend that I was not a powerful being with great potential; something I have stated about people for quite some time now, but I guess I never really believed it. I finally decided that I was blessed. My life and circumstances are completely different from everyone else and yet I have the means to help others. I decided that rather than mourning about my circumstances, I would recognize the blessing and then pass those blessings onto others. In short, I decided that I would be a blessing too.

Resolving Fears

Today I will have a chance to resolve key fears in my life. It is not just about today; this process has been happening for some time now. Today, I feel ready to face them. These fears center around following my intuition and what feels best for me. Society is bent upon telling you what is best for you; if you do not follow then you are considered worthy of ostracization. For the first time in my life, I am making decisions based upon what is best for me and my family.

Strangely or perhaps appropriately enough this falls during a time I consider a resolution phase for me. June has been a wonderful time of resolving old energy in preparation for beginning new projects with new energy. Problems that I felt were stuck are becoming unstuck as inspired solutions reign. I am graduating in more than one sense. Graduation does not mean I have arrived; to the contrary it gives me permission to ascend to the next level.

For the first time in my life, I am getting off of the fence. I am committing to certain courses of action rather than remaining wishy-washy. I am making deliberate choices; I finally own my life. These choices are empowering and allow me to move on. These choices give me a reason to exist. They open up the door for continued growth. They allow me to accurately assess the damage with a heart toward harmonious resolution that set the stage for the next step. I am free.  

I own my path going forward. I have made deliberate decisions. I am committed. I am doing what is best for me even if this means being at odds with everyone else. I am finally reaching a point where I don't need other's approval just my own.

Thankfulness

Hello all.




I want to share one of my personal struggles with you to highlight the power of a very simple principle. I am sure most of us equate money with happiness. Sure we have all heard the notion, "money does not buy happiness", but let us be honest: being broke sucks and it is so hard to be happy when you feel like you are drowning in a sea of bills. I have been working to create healthy financial circumstances in my life; but it has not happened. I keep hoping that a large sum of money will magically appear to help me rise above the water... that a magical fairy will appear and wave a magic wand and make the bills disappear... that I will win the lottery... that I will suddenly have a house of my own... that my business attempts would work... etc. etc. etc.



The point is I am looking for a windfall to solve my problems; the reason being that my problems are so huge that only a windfall, in the form of a tidal wave could clean it up. I honestly think that this one concept is the source of all unhappiness. We have a problem and we look for windfall solutions. Before I go on a tangent, I will commit to the windfall being the topic of another conversation.



When I first began creating my new life circumstances a small, seemingly insignificant concept kept whispering in my ear. I encountered this concept in various places... it popped up constantly... I could not ignore it. But I did ignore it, or at least I tried. I used it when things were really bad, but when things would go well I would forget it. I did not realize the power of continued use. I finally got it today. I read somewhere that the key to happiness was thankfulness. We will never find happiness if we constantly focus on what we do not have. We will find that we are so blessed in abundance if we will just focus on what we do have rather than what we don't.



Where you put your attention you will gravitate toward. If you focus on what you do not have, then you will never have enough. If you focus on what you do have, then you will always have exactly what you need. I remember my driver's ed teacher telling the class that if we ever found ourselves in a spin out, a tire blow out, hydroplaning, or something like that, then we needed to focus on the road and not the closeness of the guard rail. He said that if we focused on the guard rail then we would inevitably head toward it because we stear toward the direction our eyes are focused.



I am giving myself a challenge. Every night before I go to bed I will recite what I am thankful for. I will do this in both the good and bad times. I will keep it up. I am tempted to say that I will try it for a period of time like 30 days, but then I am using it for my own gain. That would mean that I am not truly thankful just greedy. I will work to create a new habit for myself, one where I will be in the habit of giving thanks every night for all my blessings of the day.

Re-Creating Myself Through Eavesdropping

I am a sneak. I have my ear up to the door. A private conversation is going on; they do not know I am listening. They thought I was busy elsewhere...putting out some fires, pursuing flights of fancy, worrying about things I cannot change, worrying about what others think about me...and on and on and on. It turns out I got suspicious about their conversation when I was notified that my life did not have to be the way it was...it could be better.

"But," I said, "they told me that this was as good as it gets. They fed me all kinds of stories about how I was a victim. They told me to stop trying because I kept getting hurt."

"You can change your circumstances," the voice said, "all you have to do is eavesdrop on the conversation of those creating the circumstances and take back control of your life."
"You mean I don't control my life?" I asked incredulously.

"It is not control, to put out fires or succumb to worry; it means you are a puppet. You will only have control when you give up trying to control by responding to things in fear. When you come from a position of love then you can create. When you focus on yourself then you can create. When you focus on how you react to the world then you can create. You cannot create when you react out of fear and loathing."

I did not understand this, but I understood the admonishment to listen. And so I did... I realized the conversations in my head were negative, loathing, fear-based, irrational, and left me feeling wanting. I want acceptance. I want love. I want understanding. I want to teach. I want to know. I want to experience. I want to accept. I want to know God. I want to "be all this and more".

"You will never reach your potential as long as you hang onto the strings of manipulation, the crutch of longing, the feeling of lack, the feeling of being harmed... The string of connection is not the same as the strings of manipulation; one is love and the other is loathing. Just start by changing those stories you hear; they are only true to the extend you make them true. You can create the life you want if you change your advising council."

This conversation seems silly, but it is the conversations, somewhat, that I had with my higher-self, intuition, God-self, inner-guidance, whatever name you give it. As humans we cannot conceptualize circularity, we only grasp singularity. I am many parts, but I cannot understand that. For my human conscious and limited understanding, I see me as different parts. The parts I was eavesdropping on were also me. This was the part that listened to and believed all the lies I was ever told. This is the part that believed I deserved lack and was nothing special. This was the part that my inner-guidance always contended with. They are the figurative figures on the shoulder; one good and one bad. I realize I have been taking orders from that part of myself that is out of alignment, without love, and that embraced pity and loathing.

I have decided to listen to my inner guidance, or that oh-so-little voice that quietly offers up advice. I suppose now that it has my attention, and I am listening, the voice will become stronger as my ears adjust to that wavelength of conversation. I notice that when I do listen to that little voice, things seem to go ok; when I do not listen and get overconfident, then things go wrong. If the little voice tells me to bring a change of shoes for my daughter, and I do not listen, then my daughter ends up getting her shoes wet. If I had listened to that little voice, I would have had fresh socks and shoes for her; instead I had to buy a new pair. This failure to listen is happening less and less, and my ability to listen is happening more and more. When I listen to this little voice, my life seems easier, things are better, I have more light, I have more peace, and I feel happy.

I also realize that listening is not about subservience. Afterall, I am not a puppet. Acting is done out of my free will, therefore if it is done in accordance with listening, then I am co-creating. Because I find happiness in this process, then I am creating abundance. All this is because if eavesdropped on myself and changed my council of advisers. It will be interesting to see what my life becomes now.

Complaint, Worry, and Wishing

Yesterday, in line with my fixing broken commitments, I was sorting out a small box of my jewelery making supplies. I haven't made a piece of jewelery in over six years, but I have pillaged the box for one tool or bit of wire or something else. In addition to the box being very mixed up and cluttered, all of my work was in a large ball in the center. All of the necklaces and bracelets that I spent countless hours making were in a ball because the first time I moved I was haphazard and just shoved them in the box. My thinking was, "Well it isn't that long of a trip and these will be re-displayed in a few days; they will be ok." Few days, yeah right, try a few years.

As I began to meticulously untangle this ball I complained to my husband about the size, time it was taking, time it would take, and how it interfered with the rest of my desk reorganization. He said quite calmly, "Well if you want to speed it up, cut it apart or just throw the whole thing away." "Are you serious!?" I asked incredulously, "I spent so much time on these pieces, this is my art, my work; I can't just throw it away like garbage." "Well," he replied, "then stop complaining. Either you commit to taking it apart, or you commit to taking it out of your life."

He was right; we have had this conversation many times over other things and for some reason we both need to be constantly reminded. We have come to realize that complaining is akin to fence sitting. When one is sitting on a fence they are not committed. Another way of looking at this is having one foot in each of two worlds, never making a whole-hearted commitment to either. In this case my opposing worlds were the old paradigm of accepting my junk and clutter while the other was doing something about the clutter.

Any form of complaining, wishing, worrying, etc are all passive; they don't involve action just creations of the mind. We can either live in these safe worlds or actually take action to achieve what we want. At this point I feel these passive circumstances will confuse some people. "What is wrong with wishing and worrying?" some might ask. "Afterall, wishing helps you determine what you want and we always worry about the safety of our loved ones."

True, there is nothing wrong with the actions except when they are taken to an extreme. If someone has a dream and they just sit around wishing, then the dream will never happen. If, however, he or she starts to take steps in that direction then the dream becomes a map. At this point the dream takes on substance and becomes a useful tool rather than some fancy painting on the walls of the mind's eye.

The same is true for worry; some use it as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility to live one's life to the fullest. An individual simply cannot live if all they do is worry about how others are living their life. This brings up the phrase sick with worry. This is the individual who does not let others live their life and thinks he or she knows what is best for the other. This individual will not accept normal human limitations, mortality, individual choices, or accept that he or she has an outsider's view. Only an individual can make changes, excessive worry for another will not force that individual to change unless he or she deems it necessary. But even then it will only be because of personal choice not the worries of an outside individual.

Commitments

The word commitment has many different connotations. In one regard it means a marriage or taking the plunge. Another means to attend an event. Still another means to budget one's time. The other day, I was pondering why I felt so stuck in my life when this word came to me. I had just read about commitment in my last Psychology chapter before Christmas break. My last assignment was to describe a goal I have and ways I can increase my commitment. It was just an assignment...or so I thought. This assignment had major ramifications for re-evaluating my commitments.

I realized that commitments are not just big, easily identifiable things like a marriage, an event, or time budgeting. Rather commitments are prolific and infiltrate our entire life. I also realized that most things in our life are commitments. For example, if you buy something you commit to using it. If you have something you commit to using it; if you do not use it you commit to storing it. If you cook something you commit to eating it. If you have a child you commit to rearing it. If you have a garden you commit to tending it.

Simple enough yeah, but my ah-ha moment came when I realized the sheer degree of broken commitments in my life. I have book shelves of unread books. I have many projects started but never finished. I have many supplies to make things but have never made them. I bought kiefer starters recently to clear up my digestive flora but never made it. I bought a dehydrator a few years back and rarely use it. I bought a Vitamix but rarely use it. I could go on, but the point is I have many things or commitments that I do not properly utilize. I use the excuse of "I'll get around to it" or "I am just too busy now, but [fill in date] I'll be finished with [certain thing] and then I will do it" or something along those lines.

My life is filled with broken commitments. Broken commitments are clutter and clutter brings us down. Clutter is accumulated when we have things we do not use. Oh, but we have the best intentions to use them...someday. Someday. I am so committed to my projects and self betterment that I recently filled an entire 24' moving truck, had to leave stuff behind, and had no furniture in there. What was in there...all the stuff I found necessary to better myself, things I thought I needed, toys for my daughter to make up for my childhood, and basically a lot of baggage.

As I am evaluating my commitments I have "committed" to divesting myself of commitments. I moved from a much larger house than where I am now so more than half of my stuff remained in a storage area. I have decided that if my stuff will not fit within the confines of my small space, then I do not need it. Slowly, but surely the Goodwill is benefiting from my divestment. I am beginning to see the light as I now question all my stuff. If I cannot part with it then I commit to doing something with it; if I fail to do something with it by a certain date then off to the Goodwill it goes. I have to be ruthless otherwise I will never unbury myself from broken commitments.