Self-Compassion

My daughter is my inspiration to be a better person; I have completely changed my thoughts regarding parenting so I can help her achieve her "potential". I work hard at practicing non-violent communication and practicing cooperation rather than coercion. But it seems that no matter how hard I try my daughter and I often butt heads. My daughter's personality is almost exactly like mine so we but heads frequently. As our wills collide I often find my desires of cooperation and communication flying out the window as I engage in my programming of yelling and coercion. I hate it when I do this and I feel like it isn't even me. I get so angry at myself for acting in this way; so opposite of good communication. As I chided myself I came up with plans on what I would do next time. Then next time came and those plans were not there; my programming was. I realized that to end this cycle, something had to change. As I took steps to remember my small successes I embraced self-compassion. Through this I was able to begin the process toward recognizing small potentials.  



Awhile back I realized the need for self-compassion. What this means is that I give myself permission to be me and I remove the yardstick of comparison. I attempt to look at my life within a larger scope and remember all the progress I have made; even if it isn't the same area. Remembering this progress helps me realize that every day I get better and better at leading a more in tune life. Self-compassion gives me permission to make mistakes and helps me look at mistakes in a different light; reframing them to a positive way. When I act compassionately toward myself, then I can give compassion toward others. Thus when I feel myself getting angry I let myself express that, but I also remember that I need to cool off before continuing. I walk away, I count, or I ask my husband to take over. Either way, I am interrupting my normal response. Then, when I have a chance to think over it I tell myself my response was ok, that I am ok, and that I am learning. I searched for what I do that was positive and I focused on that even if the only positive thing was my pattern interrupt. Focusing on the positive enables me to remove myself from the negative rumination.



Another trick I discovered in self-compassion is to pick my battles. For example, I used to yell and get angry at my daughter for failing to clean up the room. We live in tight quarters and her play room is also our sleeping room where I lay out our bedding on the floor each evening therefore the room must be completely picked up. One day I realized that the yelling was ridiculous and it made me feel icky to get so angry. Therefore I made the decision that if I wanted the toys a particular way then I would assist her clean up. I would set the example of what I wanted rather than expecting her to respect what I had already established. Even if she did not help me but continued to play, I knew my example was important so I continued. Yes there are many times where I cleaned up the whole room by myself. I picked my battle, decided that the relationship with my daughter and a tidy room were both important to me so I took actions to preserve both. Many months later, I am finally seeing my efforts paying off. My daughter and her cousin who often plays with her are both more contentious about their mess and both take efforts to clean up and put things away where they belong. Many nights of yelling and anger to get them to do it correctly did not work. However, many nights of setting the example and choosing peace did. I could list many other areas where I choose my battles but the most important thing is to decide what I wanted and take actions to model what I wanted. I am not suggesting that I have it all figured out, but I have made significant progress.