The Truth of Truths: How Two People Can Both be Correct

"I'm right and you are wrong" is the common argument from the impoverished to the well-off, from the dumb to the well-educated, from the simple to the chaotic. We are polarized and egotistical. We stick to our convictions no matter evidence to the contrary. We ask why someone cannot see the solution that is as obvious as the nose on their face. The reason is because we see things from one perspective and they see it from another. Different perspectives change the solution set or possible answers that make it though our filters. Our schemas determine our filters, our filters determine what information gets through, and this information determines our solution set. We believe because this is our solution set that this is everyone's solution set. Because this is all we can see, we believe this is all that exists.

Is it possible for two people to be right about the same thing and yet say different things? The accepted answer is no, only one solution can exist to the problem. But is this true? John Nash, Nobel prize winner for his re-work on Game Theory purposed the Theory of Equilibrium. The Theory of Equilibrium states that the traditional winer-looser mentality is inefficient. He purposed that the best outcome in a game is for both to win. What does this have to do with two people being right about the same thing? Well winning for both would mean that they both must be correct.

Transactional Analysis by psychiatrist Eric Berne M.D. suggests that all life is a series of games, or transactions between people. All day, everyday, in every interaction there is a transaction of information taking place. These transactions follow a set pattern and are more or less programed in early childhood before language develops. These transactional patters are the same in all situations and will follow patterns of winner/looser unless the individual chooses to change their programing. How do you have a win-win?

The answer is to realize that you are both right. Each person has their own solution set to the problem at hand. Often they are right about the outcome from their perspective. But different solutions present different outcomes. Different perspectives creates different truths. Finding a solution means that each listens to what the other is saying and tries to understand things from the other's perspective. Walk a mile in the other's shoes is not just a cliche; it is necessary for finding a win-win solution. A win-win solution means the two collaborate on their information, looking at things from both perspectives, and coming to a common consensus about the appropriate course of action.

A story about finding the win-win.

Alison is 12 year old girl is developmentally delayed with violent behaviour issues. Her grandmother, Abigale, took over rearing Alison 6 years ago and has managed to help her control her self enough to stay in school; but all was not peachy in the home front. Frequent battles of wills ensued particularly as the girl's actions were often destructive. Abigale and her daughter lamented that Alison would never be able to live on her own. They had all kinds of labels to describe Alison's actions as destructive, unkind, uncooperative, and without purpose.

Alison had another aunt named Camron who viewed the girl in a different light. She saw glimmers of intelligence trying to bubble to the surface as Alison fought to carve out an identity for herself. She saw how Alison's attempts to find an identity were destructive, but she viewed them calls of pain and desperation. She knew the girl, if given the appropriate environment, would flourish and her hidden genius would come out. Camron wanted to pull the girl out of public school and home school her. She did not believe in Abigale's labels for the girl; she felt these labels caused the problem. She also believed that some day the girl would be able to not only live on her own but would function as a normal, productive adult, pursuing her dreams. Most of all this aunt believed the girl's identity needed encouragement and she needed to learn conflict resolution and critical thinking. She needed to stop reacting to and instead acting on a situation.

Camron listened to all of Abigale and her daughter's reasons for what they felt Alison needed. She tried to cater her arguments to them and sway them to her side with this information. Through many through such argument presentations about why Alison needed homeschooling, Camron finally convinced Abigale to allow the girl to home school. But this wasn't a victory because it was conditional. When the time came for signing the intent to home school the school district argued that the girl needed to have public education. The aunt did not agree and was quite perturbed. Most of all she felt her opportunity to help the girl was waning.

Camron had to step back and ask what was best for Alison. Camron was tired of all the conflict and, tired of trying to change the girl, and tired of arguing her case for why the girl should home school instead of attending public school. Camron realized that although she did not get what she thought was best for Alison, the girl was getting what was best. Abigale and her daughter listened to all Camron's reasons for not wanting the girl to go back to public school and they used this to firmly establish with the school district how the girl's education should proceed, the rules that needed to be enforced, and what they expected so the girl would not fall through the cracks. They all came together to create something that would be best for Alison and this allowed them see what the girl really needed and to become her advocate.

Trusting the Process

I have a problem with over-analyzation, analysis paralysis, or just plain living in my head. My husband came up with a concept several years ago that I have given much thought to. He called it the Goal in Reverse. From my understanding it is like a goal but instead of having an idea of where you want to go and meticulously choosing the best path to get there, you do not know where you are going. He formed the concept after he was doing a bunch of activities that he could not find a connection between yet he had the idea they were connected. As time progressed he began to see the connections and realized they were leading him to something he could have never fathomed in a goal. Basically, the concept is going with the flow of events and trusting there is a connection. You may have a faint idea of where you are going, but you cannot figure out how to get there. Then you realize you are doing all these things that seem to be totally unconnected to what you want. Then there comes a day where you see the connections and you realize in these activities you perfected your abilities far beyond what you would have originally been able to do if you planned it yourself.

Now trusting the process means you remove yourself from analyzing the outcome and you allow things to manifest as they should in all appropriateness. A time came in thinking about the goal in reverse that I was getting a bit cocky. I was starting to see the connections in things, so I figured this gave me a sort of precognition to analyse future events based on present activities. One day, shortly before I moved from Las Vegas, I suddenly had the idea that my mission was to come to Washington State and help my niece out of her behavioural troubles. This issue with my niece is a heated one, that has gone on for quite some time; it is part of the reason I wanted to move to Las Vegas in the first place. I suddenly had the idea that I wanted to home school her, take over her discipline, and one day be allowed to adopt her as my own daughter. I thought my mother-in-law was finally at her wits end and would allow me to just take over.

Once I got here and began "working" with her, my delusions of grandeur and ideas of everything I wanted to do in this process got larger and larger. I thought I was reading the signs correctly; I thought my intuition in all things was becoming heightened. Life has a way of constantly showing you your place and keeping you in line. Arrogance can be our worst enemy because it shuts us off from other solutions. I found myself hitting wall after wall and getting more and more frustrated; I fancied that I should have never left Vegas, wondered why I wanted to adopt her in the first place, and found her presence more and more intolerable. I was loosing faith in the process, loosing faith in my intuition, and loosing faith in God. Was God just playing with me? Why did I experience such strong emotions about helping her when I couldn't even stand her? Every time I would experience some sort of forward movement, then everything would fall back. How could I do the things I saw if all this was failing so much?

Our interpretations of visions are not necessarily true. Sometimes the things we do and the actions we take seem like they are meant for a particular outcome. So when things happen that seem contradictory to where we "think" we are going it doesn't make sense. Patterns do exist we just have to be patient and wait for them to manifest. I also realize that if something keeps causing conflict then you need to take a step back and see if you are doing something wrong. The conflict I was experience is because I was trying to do things the way I thought they should be and not trusting the process to manifest something far beyond my mortal imagination. I have come to realize that my role here is not to remove my niece from an unproductive and conflict ridden situation; it is to help us all to work together to create the best solution for my niece to succeed. Without us all working together, she does not have a chance. Separate we are only so much, combined we are an impenetrable force. The power of water gently caressing the shore line manipulates it and sculpts a more beautiful and lasing change than the largest blast of dynamite. And water is many molecules working together.

My Virtual Pen

I have picked up my virtual pen so many times now, wrote a few words, and put it down, erasing what I wrote. I want to write, but my thoughts are so confused. Ideas clamber over each other as they vie for a chance in the spotlight. I have many ideas, but don't know where to start. I do not give any time to manifest; I am too structured. How do I just go with the flow? Where do I start? My ideas seem so discombobulated; how can I write about incomplete subjects? I am in the dark; I see a light far off, but it is too distant. I cannot see where I am; I can only guess but my senses do not give enough information. Or do they? Am I really listening to myself or the false facade of who I think I am? Am I listening to myself or merely trying to fill shells of ideas with what I think makes them complete? What is in the shells? Do they make a complete picture in and of themselves. I think I will commit to writing 10 minutes everyday; This will give my thoughts a chance to slowly empty. I will not put away my virtual pen. I will not erase my message. I will let my message come out and stop judging it as lacking or incomplete.