I am a sneak. I have my ear up to the door. A private conversation is going on; they do not know I am listening. They thought I was busy elsewhere...putting out some fires, pursuing flights of fancy, worrying about things I cannot change, worrying about what others think about me...and on and on and on. It turns out I got suspicious about their conversation when I was notified that my life did not have to be the way it was...it could be better.
"But," I said, "they told me that this was as good as it gets. They fed me all kinds of stories about how I was a victim. They told me to stop trying because I kept getting hurt."
"You can change your circumstances," the voice said, "all you have to do is eavesdrop on the conversation of those creating the circumstances and take back control of your life."
"You mean I don't control my life?" I asked incredulously.
"It is not control, to put out fires or succumb to worry; it means you are a puppet. You will only have control when you give up trying to control by responding to things in fear. When you come from a position of love then you can create. When you focus on yourself then you can create. When you focus on how you react to the world then you can create. You cannot create when you react out of fear and loathing."
I did not understand this, but I understood the admonishment to listen. And so I did... I realized the conversations in my head were negative, loathing, fear-based, irrational, and left me feeling wanting. I want acceptance. I want love. I want understanding. I want to teach. I want to know. I want to experience. I want to accept. I want to know God. I want to "be all this and more".
"You will never reach your potential as long as you hang onto the strings of manipulation, the crutch of longing, the feeling of lack, the feeling of being harmed... The string of connection is not the same as the strings of manipulation; one is love and the other is loathing. Just start by changing those stories you hear; they are only true to the extend you make them true. You can create the life you want if you change your advising council."
This conversation seems silly, but it is the conversations, somewhat, that I had with my higher-self, intuition, God-self, inner-guidance, whatever name you give it. As humans we cannot conceptualize circularity, we only grasp singularity. I am many parts, but I cannot understand that. For my human conscious and limited understanding, I see me as different parts. The parts I was eavesdropping on were also me. This was the part that listened to and believed all the lies I was ever told. This is the part that believed I deserved lack and was nothing special. This was the part that my inner-guidance always contended with. They are the figurative figures on the shoulder; one good and one bad. I realize I have been taking orders from that part of myself that is out of alignment, without love, and that embraced pity and loathing.
I have decided to listen to my inner guidance, or that oh-so-little voice that quietly offers up advice. I suppose now that it has my attention, and I am listening, the voice will become stronger as my ears adjust to that wavelength of conversation. I notice that when I do listen to that little voice, things seem to go ok; when I do not listen and get overconfident, then things go wrong. If the little voice tells me to bring a change of shoes for my daughter, and I do not listen, then my daughter ends up getting her shoes wet. If I had listened to that little voice, I would have had fresh socks and shoes for her; instead I had to buy a new pair. This failure to listen is happening less and less, and my ability to listen is happening more and more. When I listen to this little voice, my life seems easier, things are better, I have more light, I have more peace, and I feel happy.
I also realize that listening is not about subservience. Afterall, I am not a puppet. Acting is done out of my free will, therefore if it is done in accordance with listening, then I am co-creating. Because I find happiness in this process, then I am creating abundance. All this is because if eavesdropped on myself and changed my council of advisers. It will be interesting to see what my life becomes now.
