Self-Compassion

My daughter is my inspiration to be a better person; I have completely changed my thoughts regarding parenting so I can help her achieve her "potential". I work hard at practicing non-violent communication and practicing cooperation rather than coercion. But it seems that no matter how hard I try my daughter and I often butt heads. My daughter's personality is almost exactly like mine so we but heads frequently. As our wills collide I often find my desires of cooperation and communication flying out the window as I engage in my programming of yelling and coercion. I hate it when I do this and I feel like it isn't even me. I get so angry at myself for acting in this way; so opposite of good communication. As I chided myself I came up with plans on what I would do next time. Then next time came and those plans were not there; my programming was. I realized that to end this cycle, something had to change. As I took steps to remember my small successes I embraced self-compassion. Through this I was able to begin the process toward recognizing small potentials.  



Awhile back I realized the need for self-compassion. What this means is that I give myself permission to be me and I remove the yardstick of comparison. I attempt to look at my life within a larger scope and remember all the progress I have made; even if it isn't the same area. Remembering this progress helps me realize that every day I get better and better at leading a more in tune life. Self-compassion gives me permission to make mistakes and helps me look at mistakes in a different light; reframing them to a positive way. When I act compassionately toward myself, then I can give compassion toward others. Thus when I feel myself getting angry I let myself express that, but I also remember that I need to cool off before continuing. I walk away, I count, or I ask my husband to take over. Either way, I am interrupting my normal response. Then, when I have a chance to think over it I tell myself my response was ok, that I am ok, and that I am learning. I searched for what I do that was positive and I focused on that even if the only positive thing was my pattern interrupt. Focusing on the positive enables me to remove myself from the negative rumination.



Another trick I discovered in self-compassion is to pick my battles. For example, I used to yell and get angry at my daughter for failing to clean up the room. We live in tight quarters and her play room is also our sleeping room where I lay out our bedding on the floor each evening therefore the room must be completely picked up. One day I realized that the yelling was ridiculous and it made me feel icky to get so angry. Therefore I made the decision that if I wanted the toys a particular way then I would assist her clean up. I would set the example of what I wanted rather than expecting her to respect what I had already established. Even if she did not help me but continued to play, I knew my example was important so I continued. Yes there are many times where I cleaned up the whole room by myself. I picked my battle, decided that the relationship with my daughter and a tidy room were both important to me so I took actions to preserve both. Many months later, I am finally seeing my efforts paying off. My daughter and her cousin who often plays with her are both more contentious about their mess and both take efforts to clean up and put things away where they belong. Many nights of yelling and anger to get them to do it correctly did not work. However, many nights of setting the example and choosing peace did. I could list many other areas where I choose my battles but the most important thing is to decide what I wanted and take actions to model what I wanted. I am not suggesting that I have it all figured out, but I have made significant progress.

Potential

Human potential. My potential. Living up to potential. Thoughts and actions that harm my potential. Am I moving toward my potential? Should I do something to move quicker? Should I do something specific to get there? Should I specifically decide what my potential is and what activities or thoughts are conducive to getting there? Hmmm...

What is potential? This question rings as a constant companion in my thoughts as I obsess in getting there. I believe that I can be like Jesus; to do the things he did. I also believe that I can be more than he was like he suggested. I believe that my current life is not living up to my potential. I believe I am wasting my potential. I believe I should whip myself into shape and force myself to toe the line of an upstanding and empowered individual. But is this line of thinking correct?

If I believe my potential is somewhere out there and all my actions cause me to fall miserably short, then will I ever reach potential? What if potential is not some big thing to aspire to someday? What if I looked at the present? If I were to look at the present moment and say, "this is what I am right now", then how would that change this concept of potential?

Right now I sit at my desk typing away on my laptop. I worked on homework for awhile, checked my email, attended to Facebook, played a game, worked on homework some more, changed my kefir grains to new sugar water, bla, bla, bla. Right now I am involved in a typical routine; a routine I work toward to better myself. Sure there are things I could do better in this routine. I could exercise in the morning, I could stop looking at my email and Facebook hoping for a distraction, I could stop playing games, etc. If I were to look at my day I can give a dissertation about all thing things I should be doing; things that are "keeping" me from my potential. Things that show I am lazy and hold me back; habits that I struggle to change. But that is all in the future. What about right now? Honestly, I am tired of this concept of potential and how it has become a yardstick to gauge myself by. Big surprise, or perhaps not, I often measure myself as lacking :(.

Maybe I am looking at this whole potential thing wrong. Not only should I look at what I am doing in the present, but I should also look at what I am doing well. What have I achieved that I was unable to before? Where am I better? Where have I grown? What is my overall trend? Am I growing? Am I stagnant? What time frame am I looking at for comparison? Am I being fair or am I somehow skewing and misinterpreting the results so that I look bad?

I am going to try something. For the next month or so I promise to monitor my thinking in regard to potential. Instead of looking at potential as something out there, I promise to look at potential as something in here; something that is right here, right now, with me at all moments. If something happens that I feel "keeps" me from my potential, then I promise to address my thinking and refocus it. I have done this on a limited scale when I practice self-compassion by picking my battles, but I want to apply it to all my thinking; particularly the rumination that states I am doing something wrong. I promise to find what I did do “right” and focus on those wins rather than ruminating on the losses. I promise to tell myself that I did the best I could and at that moment I lived up to my potential. I promise to recognize that potential is always about what is possible at the moment rather than something out there. Everything is a part of everything else and everything is always a part of something bigger. Sure there is the big potential of an event in some far off future. There are also the smaller potentials that stack up to create the larger potential. I promise to recognize the smaller potentials, the small wins, the small acceptances, and the small events that lead to the larger event. I am who I am today because of all that I was before.

Remember before when I spoke of the windfall effect? This idea of an unreachable potential yardstick of comparison is an example of a windfall. It states that potential is only some far off event and that currently you are not living up to it. It expects you to act well and appropriately as if to live your potential now. It fails to account for the accumulation of potentials, for the accumulation of energy, for the accumulation of stuff, or for the parts and pieces that make up the whole. It expects everything at once and will always judge as lacking because everything is not manifest. It is a lie we tell ourselves so that we can hide from our true selves. The fact is, I and you are more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. Therefore, it is my assumption that if I learn to recognize the smaller potentials then a day will come when I will see the project they contributed to building; the project of me. Until then I can still see the whole in the pieces and be thankful for each of them because without them then I would be incomplete. I, for one, am tired of feeling incomplete therefore I want to gather all my minute potentials and recognize them as complete in and of themselves. 

 Update

Well I am not sure if I have adequately addressed my poisonous thought process; that is a process and will take time to undo 31 years of conditioning. I can say that today I happier than I was six months ago. My life is  flowing, I am becoming more social, I am comfortable waiting, and I recognize the achievements I have. I came across and article today, June 12, 2012 on potential. I believe I wrote before about my beliefs with the potential of the human brain. I now know I want to partner with that amazing mass between my ears so that we can co-create wonders. I always wondered if humans could teach themselves to achieve feats like those seen on Phenomenon; for the first time someone has confirmed my suspicion. Here is the link to the article http://rethinkingeverythingtheblog.com/2012/06/12/mind-power/.

Being a Blessing

A month or so ago, I made an important decision. I decided that mourning the state of my life and circumstances was illogical and stupid; it only made me feel sad, despondent, depressed, angry, and sorry for myself. It gave me permission to hide and pretend that I was not a powerful being with great potential; something I have stated about people for quite some time now, but I guess I never really believed it. I finally decided that I was blessed. My life and circumstances are completely different from everyone else and yet I have the means to help others. I decided that rather than mourning about my circumstances, I would recognize the blessing and then pass those blessings onto others. In short, I decided that I would be a blessing too.

Resolving Fears

Today I will have a chance to resolve key fears in my life. It is not just about today; this process has been happening for some time now. Today, I feel ready to face them. These fears center around following my intuition and what feels best for me. Society is bent upon telling you what is best for you; if you do not follow then you are considered worthy of ostracization. For the first time in my life, I am making decisions based upon what is best for me and my family.

Strangely or perhaps appropriately enough this falls during a time I consider a resolution phase for me. June has been a wonderful time of resolving old energy in preparation for beginning new projects with new energy. Problems that I felt were stuck are becoming unstuck as inspired solutions reign. I am graduating in more than one sense. Graduation does not mean I have arrived; to the contrary it gives me permission to ascend to the next level.

For the first time in my life, I am getting off of the fence. I am committing to certain courses of action rather than remaining wishy-washy. I am making deliberate choices; I finally own my life. These choices are empowering and allow me to move on. These choices give me a reason to exist. They open up the door for continued growth. They allow me to accurately assess the damage with a heart toward harmonious resolution that set the stage for the next step. I am free.  

I own my path going forward. I have made deliberate decisions. I am committed. I am doing what is best for me even if this means being at odds with everyone else. I am finally reaching a point where I don't need other's approval just my own.

Thankfulness

Hello all.




I want to share one of my personal struggles with you to highlight the power of a very simple principle. I am sure most of us equate money with happiness. Sure we have all heard the notion, "money does not buy happiness", but let us be honest: being broke sucks and it is so hard to be happy when you feel like you are drowning in a sea of bills. I have been working to create healthy financial circumstances in my life; but it has not happened. I keep hoping that a large sum of money will magically appear to help me rise above the water... that a magical fairy will appear and wave a magic wand and make the bills disappear... that I will win the lottery... that I will suddenly have a house of my own... that my business attempts would work... etc. etc. etc.



The point is I am looking for a windfall to solve my problems; the reason being that my problems are so huge that only a windfall, in the form of a tidal wave could clean it up. I honestly think that this one concept is the source of all unhappiness. We have a problem and we look for windfall solutions. Before I go on a tangent, I will commit to the windfall being the topic of another conversation.



When I first began creating my new life circumstances a small, seemingly insignificant concept kept whispering in my ear. I encountered this concept in various places... it popped up constantly... I could not ignore it. But I did ignore it, or at least I tried. I used it when things were really bad, but when things would go well I would forget it. I did not realize the power of continued use. I finally got it today. I read somewhere that the key to happiness was thankfulness. We will never find happiness if we constantly focus on what we do not have. We will find that we are so blessed in abundance if we will just focus on what we do have rather than what we don't.



Where you put your attention you will gravitate toward. If you focus on what you do not have, then you will never have enough. If you focus on what you do have, then you will always have exactly what you need. I remember my driver's ed teacher telling the class that if we ever found ourselves in a spin out, a tire blow out, hydroplaning, or something like that, then we needed to focus on the road and not the closeness of the guard rail. He said that if we focused on the guard rail then we would inevitably head toward it because we stear toward the direction our eyes are focused.



I am giving myself a challenge. Every night before I go to bed I will recite what I am thankful for. I will do this in both the good and bad times. I will keep it up. I am tempted to say that I will try it for a period of time like 30 days, but then I am using it for my own gain. That would mean that I am not truly thankful just greedy. I will work to create a new habit for myself, one where I will be in the habit of giving thanks every night for all my blessings of the day.

Re-Creating Myself Through Eavesdropping

I am a sneak. I have my ear up to the door. A private conversation is going on; they do not know I am listening. They thought I was busy elsewhere...putting out some fires, pursuing flights of fancy, worrying about things I cannot change, worrying about what others think about me...and on and on and on. It turns out I got suspicious about their conversation when I was notified that my life did not have to be the way it was...it could be better.

"But," I said, "they told me that this was as good as it gets. They fed me all kinds of stories about how I was a victim. They told me to stop trying because I kept getting hurt."

"You can change your circumstances," the voice said, "all you have to do is eavesdrop on the conversation of those creating the circumstances and take back control of your life."
"You mean I don't control my life?" I asked incredulously.

"It is not control, to put out fires or succumb to worry; it means you are a puppet. You will only have control when you give up trying to control by responding to things in fear. When you come from a position of love then you can create. When you focus on yourself then you can create. When you focus on how you react to the world then you can create. You cannot create when you react out of fear and loathing."

I did not understand this, but I understood the admonishment to listen. And so I did... I realized the conversations in my head were negative, loathing, fear-based, irrational, and left me feeling wanting. I want acceptance. I want love. I want understanding. I want to teach. I want to know. I want to experience. I want to accept. I want to know God. I want to "be all this and more".

"You will never reach your potential as long as you hang onto the strings of manipulation, the crutch of longing, the feeling of lack, the feeling of being harmed... The string of connection is not the same as the strings of manipulation; one is love and the other is loathing. Just start by changing those stories you hear; they are only true to the extend you make them true. You can create the life you want if you change your advising council."

This conversation seems silly, but it is the conversations, somewhat, that I had with my higher-self, intuition, God-self, inner-guidance, whatever name you give it. As humans we cannot conceptualize circularity, we only grasp singularity. I am many parts, but I cannot understand that. For my human conscious and limited understanding, I see me as different parts. The parts I was eavesdropping on were also me. This was the part that listened to and believed all the lies I was ever told. This is the part that believed I deserved lack and was nothing special. This was the part that my inner-guidance always contended with. They are the figurative figures on the shoulder; one good and one bad. I realize I have been taking orders from that part of myself that is out of alignment, without love, and that embraced pity and loathing.

I have decided to listen to my inner guidance, or that oh-so-little voice that quietly offers up advice. I suppose now that it has my attention, and I am listening, the voice will become stronger as my ears adjust to that wavelength of conversation. I notice that when I do listen to that little voice, things seem to go ok; when I do not listen and get overconfident, then things go wrong. If the little voice tells me to bring a change of shoes for my daughter, and I do not listen, then my daughter ends up getting her shoes wet. If I had listened to that little voice, I would have had fresh socks and shoes for her; instead I had to buy a new pair. This failure to listen is happening less and less, and my ability to listen is happening more and more. When I listen to this little voice, my life seems easier, things are better, I have more light, I have more peace, and I feel happy.

I also realize that listening is not about subservience. Afterall, I am not a puppet. Acting is done out of my free will, therefore if it is done in accordance with listening, then I am co-creating. Because I find happiness in this process, then I am creating abundance. All this is because if eavesdropped on myself and changed my council of advisers. It will be interesting to see what my life becomes now.

Complaint, Worry, and Wishing

Yesterday, in line with my fixing broken commitments, I was sorting out a small box of my jewelery making supplies. I haven't made a piece of jewelery in over six years, but I have pillaged the box for one tool or bit of wire or something else. In addition to the box being very mixed up and cluttered, all of my work was in a large ball in the center. All of the necklaces and bracelets that I spent countless hours making were in a ball because the first time I moved I was haphazard and just shoved them in the box. My thinking was, "Well it isn't that long of a trip and these will be re-displayed in a few days; they will be ok." Few days, yeah right, try a few years.

As I began to meticulously untangle this ball I complained to my husband about the size, time it was taking, time it would take, and how it interfered with the rest of my desk reorganization. He said quite calmly, "Well if you want to speed it up, cut it apart or just throw the whole thing away." "Are you serious!?" I asked incredulously, "I spent so much time on these pieces, this is my art, my work; I can't just throw it away like garbage." "Well," he replied, "then stop complaining. Either you commit to taking it apart, or you commit to taking it out of your life."

He was right; we have had this conversation many times over other things and for some reason we both need to be constantly reminded. We have come to realize that complaining is akin to fence sitting. When one is sitting on a fence they are not committed. Another way of looking at this is having one foot in each of two worlds, never making a whole-hearted commitment to either. In this case my opposing worlds were the old paradigm of accepting my junk and clutter while the other was doing something about the clutter.

Any form of complaining, wishing, worrying, etc are all passive; they don't involve action just creations of the mind. We can either live in these safe worlds or actually take action to achieve what we want. At this point I feel these passive circumstances will confuse some people. "What is wrong with wishing and worrying?" some might ask. "Afterall, wishing helps you determine what you want and we always worry about the safety of our loved ones."

True, there is nothing wrong with the actions except when they are taken to an extreme. If someone has a dream and they just sit around wishing, then the dream will never happen. If, however, he or she starts to take steps in that direction then the dream becomes a map. At this point the dream takes on substance and becomes a useful tool rather than some fancy painting on the walls of the mind's eye.

The same is true for worry; some use it as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility to live one's life to the fullest. An individual simply cannot live if all they do is worry about how others are living their life. This brings up the phrase sick with worry. This is the individual who does not let others live their life and thinks he or she knows what is best for the other. This individual will not accept normal human limitations, mortality, individual choices, or accept that he or she has an outsider's view. Only an individual can make changes, excessive worry for another will not force that individual to change unless he or she deems it necessary. But even then it will only be because of personal choice not the worries of an outside individual.