Insight into Growth

At a certain point, growth cannot continue unless something changes. Growth is energy and unless energy is exchanged, it cannot change. A decline in something is a change of energy; however, that energy is no longer facilitating the desired direction because it is moving on to something else. I realized with my psychology studies that I need to change something to continue. If I continue on my same path then my knowledge will not grow and I will stagnate; worse, I will never be able to help people with my knowledge. The change that must occur is the application of my knowledge and the source that drives its initiation.

Currently my knowledge is driven or sparked by my personal drama, my baggage, my pain, my disorder, my dissonance, my separation; in other words, the things about myself that I feel have somehow damaged, insecure, or limited me. I need a new source to continue. If I continue to wallow in self-pity then my knowledge will cessate or plateau at some point and I will never successfully apply this to anyone; to do so would assume that everyone is like me. If I continue to wallow in self-pity then I will fail to appreciate the awesome expanse of human individuality. If I continue on this path then my efforts are for not. I can only learn so much about myself and examine my motivations so many times and from so many different angles; at a certain point, there is nothing new to discover/recover. What then? What is the purpose of my pursuit of knowledge of human cognition and interaction if I never take the leap toward understanding the awesome expanse of human individuality?

Over the past two weeks or so I watched the entire series of Full Metal Alchemist and Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. Both drew me in, both caused me many hours of serious cogitation, both caused me feelings of expanded self, both caused self-awareness, both caused contemplation on the purpose of life, and both caused me to question my motivations. Basically, both caused a considerable earthquake that cracked my foundation. The first series caused cracks but the second series lead to fissures in my subconscious; I will never be the same.

My insight came from observing the maturation of the main character Edward Elric. I noticed that while he always had a crabby disposition, he went from being relatively happy to very angry as the show progressed. At the same time, he also grew considerably in his abilities and understanding of life. I wondered how an individual could attain such a high level of understanding and yet grow more bitter and angry. At the end of Brotherhood, Edward decided to give up his alchemic ability to bring back his brother from the other side. At this point, he was happy, secure, confident, and assured of his decision to become a regular human.

I wonder, is it possible to give up such an important part of oneself and still find happiness? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He did not give up his ability but he gave up his catalyst for that ability. If he found a new catalyst, a catalyst of love, then he would regain his ability and it would be much stronger. His catalyst was drama: pain, isolation, separation, “oughts”, “shoulds”, and all the other things he had to make right. He felt compelled to protect the weak and fight against injustice and for that he grew angrier and angrier; he lost his joy, and became encumbered in cynicism. In a strange dichotomy, he was helping people but he became more burdened than ever.

This revelation did not bode well for me; after all my purpose is to help people reach their potential by helping them to remove their psychological barriers that block success. If I continue on my path of exploring psychology from the catalyst of my own drama then I too may lose my joy. I also feel I may never properly help people. How could I help people if it meant that I would grow bitter and loose my love of life and my innocence?

I realize that help should not be about burden but about equal exchange where quality matters. If I give help with expectation of righting some wrong or fighting someone’s battle or acting as a protector then my intentions are to shoulder the burden and burden is exactly what I will get in return. Esther and Jerry Hicks in their Sara books bring up a concept they call the chain of pain. We can never participate in making the world a better place if we contribute to the chain of pain; if we assume to be a champion for someone weaker by inflicting pain on the bullying party. Pain begets pain; pain will not beget freedom. That is not equivalent exchange.

However, if I can help people to gain more and more mastery over their lives and have more control over their situation then I am not asking to shoulder burden; I am asking them to stand on their own two feet. In essence, I would say, “Here are some resources you need but you must make them work”. Jesus said that you can give a man a fish and feed him for one day or you can teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime. This is entirely dependent upon the individual’s desire to help himself. Neither of us are helped when I shoulder the burden. I am taking away their life lessons and in return putting them in a state of dependence. I am acting like I can control their lives.

I theorize that helpful behavior is directly dependent on my state of mind and belief about my purpose and my self-worth. If I feel I am worth something then I will not shoulder the burden. If I love myself, then I live in love, accept that everything happens for a reason, and know that knowledge and evetns are neutral. Events are also neutral; we give them meaning. If I am open to the synchronicity of events, then I realize that everything that happens occurs because I asked for the next leap of understanding. That is equivalent exchange. Quality matters and it is not dependent upon delusions of righteousness but on what was actually given in the first place. In return, because this is an exchange, we are both satisfied and each of us has made significant steps toward righting our own malfunction.

The primary principle in permaculture is the concept of stacking functions. Everything has more than one purpose; nothing is isolated to one solitary purpose. Everything is interdependent and functions as a whole; however, without each piece, the system is fragmented and the whole will not live up to its potential. Even the individual pieces will not live up to their potential if they do not have their needs met by interdependent association. Help is given when it is needed and out of love rather than obligation and thus everyone thrives toward potential. Equivalent exchange stacks functions because it has multiple inputs. All events have a purpose and that purpose is what the individual needs to function at potential or fix the critical errors that are leading to loss of potential. Everything happens for a reason and nothing has only one reason.

For example, someone I know lost her cat. She is upset and heartbroken. On my path I am learning what it means to live in reality but still recognize where other’s are on their journey and not impose my beliefs or suggestions on their current state of affairs. It is not right of me to assume that I know what is best for someone else. I feel this individual needs to let go and I have felt for some time that she would lose her cat because she clung to him so desperately; the cat was the epitome of everything she ever lost and she expected that he would make things right. This individual does not want to deal with her pain and chooses to drown it in substances or hide it in object displacement. I know she needs to deal with her pain. Unfortunately, as part of my growth and disentangling myself from my enabling of this situation, I became crass and unfeeling toward her; I did not want to be a part of her drama and I made sure I confronted her with her drama. In her pain today, I rubbed salt on her wounds and I heartlessly told her that everything happens for a reason and she needed to face those reasons. One purpose for this loss was to help me understand that I cannot assume to tell others how they should conduct their affairs. I need to let go and let her evolve of her own volition rather than assuming that I know how her life should play out. I am a mere outsider; I am not privy to her personal torment therefore I cannot assume to know how to fix it. Only she can fix her life; but she has to want to. Nagging will not help. I am thankful that this individual had this painful experience and was willing to share some of the reason for it happening. Now this was one reason this event happened; however, there are many more and most of them are for her. It is not up to me to decide what the meaning of this event is for her. The functions are stacked; there are many reasons this event happened and one of those reasons was to help me reevaluate my need to facilitate someone else’s life.

As a human, I am one. My efforts are the result of one. However, I am a part of the whole. I have my purpose and in fulfilling my purpose, I allow others to do their job as well. If I am broken then others will not function. My existence affects others but I am still just a part of a bigger whole; the wholeness of humanity. Humanity is broken and the machine of our collective potential is laboring and exhausted because the life giving flow of human potential critically damaged in many places as many humans have chosen to shut off their flow and interaction. I am one but I can affect the many. Long ago, I read the words of Jesus that I can do all this and more and I accepted it; I accepted that I was capable of much more than I give myself credit for. The bible also states that where two or more join their abilities are exponentially increases; no longer is it a matter of addition but it becomes multiplication. When I am a one with others, I am more powerful. I am a part of humanity and it is my duty to do my job the best I can. When I properly function then others around me will have an easier time repairing themselves because I am fixing my malfunctions so they no longer have to compensate; I am reducing their burden so they are freer to focus on their own development if they so choose.

Siblings But Strangers

Yesterday afternoon I finished this drawing; I have no idea where the inspiration came from but I felt almost compelled to complete it once I finally started. I entitled this picture Siblings but Strangers to bring awareness that we all come from the same source but through our petty infighting have managed to draw the lines of distinction with such definition that we no longer relate to someone who is "different" or "one of them". I detect six distinct components in this picture that I feel may represent six major religions or schools of thought; three major and three subtler. As for the three major schools of thought: The Yin-Yang represents the Eastern Philosophy; the wooden eight sided star is a Celtic Druid symbol but I felt compelled to change its orientation; and the dream catcher represents the Native American beliefs. The first subtle symbol is the orientation of the star with the dream catcher in the middle; it almost seems like a Coptic Cross. The second symbol is the necklace attached to the dream catcher; I feel this may represent materialism which appears at odds with spirituality. While less defined as a school of thought, another symbol is the shadow; there are those who believe that our shadow selves are important to know and embrace. I see the undercurrents of similarities that abundantly dance through them all; subtle hues that are overpowered by the weightier colors of definition.

The rest of the picture contains many more symbols which are not necessarily indicative of philosophical beliefs but are representations of my personal feelings. A friend of mine noticed how everything appears to be moving toward the center as if it were a vortex; I wanted to the star/dream catcher combination to appear as if it were glowing which does give the impression of movement. I choose red for the dreamcatcher and necklace because red represents the lifeblood. The orange in the star was meant to represent soil; I originally wanted to show the life cycle of the dandelion flower but images did not want to manifest. The Druid stars I have seen were all metallic, but I felt mine should be wood; perhaps due to the inherent life-quality in wood and its ability to re-sprout. I wanted all of the rainbow colors represented. The sky became both blue and purple; perhaps to represent both air and water. The green represents the earth but the shadow appears as if the earth is providing a reflection like a pool of water. The yellow in the middle of the dreamcatcher represents the sun and the element of fire. Other than the Yin-Yang the dreamcatcher necklace also contains five other charms. The triangle at the top represents journey and direction, the square represents the definition of the body, the spiral represents the mind with encompassing knowledge and wisdom, the heart represents the force of love, and the squiggle represents the caprice of joy or spiritual living. Two observations I have about how the pictured played out are the date I signed and the coloration of the star. The date: I feel 8 represents infinity because it is the infinity sign when laying on its side and 2012 is the year when the world will change and life as we know it will take on a new direction. Life exists infinitely but changes will occur that will encourage sibling recognition. The coloration of the star and its dirt also seems dual natured: on the left it seems older and more established while on the right it seems newer and fresher. It took me about 2 weeks to complete this picture and I am right handed so I draw from left to right, but I do not know if these two things could account for this old/new transition effect. 

 

I wanted to include a picture of this piece before its completion. My friend felt it, in its incomplete state, was a great symbol. Cogitating on this, I remembered a passage I read in Jean Auel's Children of the Earth series. The main character Ayla noted that several cave paintings were incomplete and almost appeared as if the form, usually an animal, was moving out of the spirit world because part of it was faint and indistinct. I wonder if this incomplete picture represents the movement from the spirit world in to this world of definition.

 

 

  

Dreams that Persist

Dreams (sleep time dreams not goals) come and go. Some people remember many dreams while others believe they do not dream at all. Exactly what dreams are has amused and confused people since the dawn of man. Personally I believe my dreams are insights into my subconscious or cues to clue me into mannerisms or thoughts that I posses that I am quite unaware of; in other words they help me be more aware of me. I am not suggesting that I am a neo-Freudian of sorts and I believe all dreams portend latent sexual fantasies; but I do believe that dreams are the windows to the rather unknown realm of  the subconscious. In this vein of thought then, I believe all my dreams have meaning thus I try to analyze what they might be telling me (the ones I remember that is). Many of my remembered dreams fade after I have addressed their underlying message or sufficient time has passed. However, some dreams have lasted quite a long time even after I addressed what I thought were their underlying messages. Tonight I feel compelled to discuss four such dreams that I starkly remember as if I had them last night.

Dream One: Battle Field Church Hospital

I was walking through a field of tall grasses and perhaps some wildflowers. I was walking in the direction of a large tree but my destination was just beyond the tree. When I passed the tree the air became quiet and still. My destination had arrived: a big Mission Style church. When I walked in I heard cries of anguish and pain: there were many wounded people from a battle that was going on. I proceeded to the front desk and told the woman that I came to help. Like the stereotypical librarian she looked over her glasses and down her nose at me and snorted, “You cannot help. You are too small and weak. Now go!” “I will not go,” I said, “I came here to help!” “I told you to go, you cannot help!” I decided it was pointless to argue with this woman when there were so many people that obviously needed my help. I pushed my way passed her and entered into the infirmary. At that moment the cries stopped and peace, hope, and love filled the room.

Dream Two: Log Car

I was driving along a road in a log car (sort of like a Flinstone car). In the passenger seat was a large, male angel (sort of like the angles described in Kryon’s parable of Michael Thomas). The angel told me to turn left off of the road and into a field. At first I balked but I did it. The drive was not rough and bumpy like I would have expected and he instructed me to stop trying to drive and let the car do it. The angel and I engaged in a wonderful, lively conversation. Suddenly, I noticed that we were heading toward a large tree that was looming closer and closer. I made moves to grab the steering wheel but did not. I felt nervous and tried to point out our impending collision but the angel kept talking as if there were no problem. Finally I could not take the suspense and felt I had to do something to avert disaster. I grabbed the steering wheel and turned hard; I hit the tree. My actions only served to cement the disaster whereas if I had trusted then the car would have easily maneuvered at just the right time. In fact, perhaps my actions overcorrected the car’s turn in the opposite direction so rather than missing the tree my actions hit the tree because it would have naturally moved in a different direction.

Dream Three: Political Campaign

I was standing on an outdoor stage behind a podium. Sharing the stage with me was another person behind a podium. We were engaged in a debate; we were running for the same political office. The debate was heated but professional. At one point, but I am not sure exactly what caused it, I became incredibly fed up. Momentairly my attention wandered while my opponent was speaking. I became hyper aware of the nature around me (the breeze, the bird calls, the warm sun on my skin, etc.). I was brought back from my reverie by hearing my name called and I was asked how I would respond. I looked at my opponent, looked out at the standing crowd, and then I looked down at myself. With a humph I pounded my fist on the podium and then kicked off my high heel shoes. I walked around the podium while undoing my fashion tie, untucking my shirt, and letting my hair down. While I did all that I was engaged in a diatribe about the idiocy of all this pretention and how I wanted no part of it. Then I grabbed the microphone and sat on the edge of the stage.  Once I sat down I said, “I want no part of this pretention; I am who I am accept me or leave me but I am tired of performing for you.” My opponent and the campaign teams balked and my opponent took it as an opportunity to make an impassioned plea to the people about how could they accept someone who was unpolished and a charlatan. I may not have been on a pedestal but I was the on the same ground as the average person. I do not know how they decided but I did feel that my actions stymied or ended my political career. I believe I was surprised that rather than ending it gave me a boost. Perhaps the people craved authenticity.

Amphitheater Teacher

I was in an outdoor amphitheater on stage. I wore a burnt orange tee-shirt and I was very pregnant. The temperature was comfortable; I think it was late summer.  I was giving a lecture on something; not sure what is was but I feel it was important to the future wellbeing of the planet (perhaps something like permaculture or something like that) and changes that we humans had to make to live more in harmony. I also get the impression that this amphitheater was on the campus I created; a center where people could gather to learn earth and sprit wisdom.   

These are my four memorable and persistant dreams.

Enjoying the Journey: From Stress and Loathing to Acceptance

I have been hearing many conversations lately that discuss how our world is riddled with poisons to such an extent that people are sick and dying to a greater extent than ever before. Toxic chemicals are added to our food, clothing, toys, house building materials, furniture, etc. Diseases like cancer and autism are on the rise. The more I find out, the more I feel disheartened; how can I possibly overcome this mountain? While I truly respect those on soapboxes trying to get out the word on this state of affairs, I am left feeling incredibly helpless; I want to crawl under a rock and hide, I want to disengage, I want to shut it all out, I want to ignore what I hear. But I cannot ignore it because it is there and my ears and eyes are working just fine.

For many years (perhaps my whole life) I frequently engaged self-loathing as I counted all the "bad" things I did on a regular basis. My thoughts were always "someday..." Someday I will be a gluten free raw vegan to reduce toxins I take in from gain, animal, and cooked products. Someday I will stop consuming junk food so I do not ingest so many chemicals and so few nutrients. Someday I will have a piece of land to be self-sufficient on and build a home without toxic building materials and that is kinder to the environment. Someday I will stop haplessly consuming and buying plastics. Someday I will make or grow everything I need. Someday, someday, someday. My point is that now is never good enough because I always believe there is something I could be doing better. In some of my recent writings in my psychology classes I have come to realize that I lack self-love and self-compassion. Perhaps I will explore more on that later. For now, suffice it to say, I never felt I was good enough and I always lived for the future.

I had an amazing experience last week that helped me realize that I am happy where I am at and that I do not want to be where I thought I would be; not if it was done at the expense of self-love and other-love and involves extreme inconvenience. Until recently I would not have been ready for my experience because I was too self-conscious about myself. I have, however, found a small level of comfort with myself and so I was ready to go into a situation where I was out of my element and stuck out like a sore thumb. This was a rugged, 'back to the land' experience; although it was not as rugged as it could have been but rugged enough to make me realize I loved, and did not want to part with, some conveniences I currently enjoy: such as a shower, heat, and a toilet across the hall :). It was almost as if life was telling me, "So you think this is what you want, well here is a chance to experience that.” Wow! Is all I can say. I am so thankful that I have a toilet across the hall, that I have a heated house, and that I have access to a shower anytime I feel grimy.

This brings up an interesting dichotomy (well sort of) about convenience. At what point does convenience hurt the earth and is it possible to have convenience and still be in harmony with the earth? Put a bit differently, at what point is convenience harming my health, such as the constant exposure to electromagnetic energy in the electricity and chlorine and fluoride in the water, and at what point is convenience ok, or even beneficial to me? I suppose I will have to cogitate more on these questions, but one thing I do know is that for now, I am fine where I am at. I know I will continue to grow and increase my healthy actions, I know that I will gradually make changes, and I know that I am ok with gradual. I also know that I will find a balance between what is best for me and what is best for the earth and what is best for society.

As for life right now, sure I will continue to be surrounded by harmful toxins. I know this will not change anytime soon. Armed with this knowledge I cannot fret about this state of affairs nor can I run around frantically like I just cut off my finger in an effort to put out those proverbial fires. If these toxins are so harmful to my health, and I am not arguing that they are harmless, then it seems to me that being in a state of constant stress is even more harmful to my body and will potentially weaken my immune system enough to allow these toxins to harm me. For now, while I am growing and making gradual change, I feel it is best for me to accept my current state of affairs rather than stress about it. Stress will harm me more in the end because of its compound effects. Hmmm, perhaps I will write more about stress and how it affects the body. For now I choose to let go of the anger, fear, and self-righteous condemnation. I refuse to be a fear monger to myself or anyone else. I choose to be happy and content with gradual growth.

Part 4 of 4: This Year's Goals and Pictures of My Garden

My plans for this summer are to make my keyhole beds more defined and to continue building them up with organic matter. To assist this I want to make more cement paver stones to finish out the outlining of the beds. I am excited to see how well my comfrey does and I am getting impatient to add it to my mulches. I also plan to buy some white clover for a general ground cover because it is low growing, tolerates cutting if need be, and is a good dynamic accumulator. I think it is important to add more garlic and onion and I want to get some marigolds going, which keep failing from seed, so I will probably buy some of these plants to get them going.  The marigolds, onions, and garlic will act as general pest detractors; I will keep my eye out for other odoriferous/strong smelling plants. I will keep researching about building soil fertility and may find some other plants I wish to add to aid in this effort. I also want to research nectary plants to act as an attractor for beneficial insects like lady bugs; insects that act as predators to other pest bugs like aphids. Another goal of mine, more long term, is to plant more items from direct seeding into the ground. Paul Wheaton also made a good argument about transplanting plants means the plants will not have a taproot because it is highly sensitive and is always killed in the transplanting process; I cannot remember the exact podcast but I am sure if you search the archives at the link for the soil health podcast then you can find it along with seeing all his other wealth of information.  Finally I want to figure out how to construct mini swales and integrate some huglekultur into my layout. I will keep you posted on how my garden develops. For now, here is an article that discusses hugle culture http://www.richsoil.com/hugelkultur/.

The picture below is a sketch of my L-shaped garden space. Each square represents 4 square feet or 2'x2'.  

The picture below is of the entrance to my garden. The purple plum with the green leafed plum and apricot growing underneath are in the foreground on the top, left corner. The middle section shows my makeshift arbor; a carport put up originally to serve as a greenhouse but I used as an arbor instead. On the right side of the arbor is the wire fence I attached for vining plants (grapes and kiwis will be trained up and accross and I want some others like peas or something on the fence). The paver stones are my primitive start to laying out key hole beds. As you can see the grasses and weeds are clipped low but are left to cover the bare dirt. At the end of the arbor is one of my volunteer trees (I believe is a plum). In the background behind the arbor but inside the fence are my volunteer trees: to the left are my other two volunteer trees, my apple is in the middle but hidden behind the volunteer tree under the arbor, and the peach on the right. Directly behind those trees and the fence is the grove of trees behind our property (some of those trees are cotton wood trees).

The next two pictures sort of show the plight of the stressed tree trying to reach the sun while the apricot has successfully reached it.

The next picture is a better view of my peach and apple trees with a back view of the arbor. The peach is on the left with a walnut tree touching it (apparently the walnut want to join this garden because he was 4' away last year) and the apple is on the right.

Part 3 of 4: Current Year, The Arbor, and Lessons From a Stressed Tree

Through the winter of 2011-12 I did lots of reading and planning. I started understanding a concept called key hole gardening so I restructured my beds to take that shape. I also realized that I needed to hold off on any other plantings and focus intently on building up the health of the soil. I also started learning about making swales; which I am still looking for a good resource on because I am missing something :).

I left to visit my family just prior to this year’s leafing out of the plants; when I came back three weeks later, I was pleasantly surprised. My peach and apple came back, my grapes came back, and my three mystery trees were lush and vibrant. Six of my eight comfrey plants I planted came up too. All of my strawberries made appearances. Even though nearly all of my mail order plants died and my cereal seeds never came up I still felt a great sense of accomplishment that my important plants, important to me that is, all made it through their first year and were happily establishing themselves.

This year, I took a more proactive approach to my weeds rather than the love/hate bipolar relationship I had before. I decided to trim them down as a general ground cover so I would not have bare soil rather than letting them rule until I had enough of them. This  approach of cutting them has been much more effective control than last year where I was trying to hoe them up. It seems my cutting them back is keeping them in check whereas hoeing seemed to encourage them. I am starting to understand a bit of information about succession and thus I have noticed that the variety of my weeds is slowly changing. The first year I had a ton of milkweed. The next year I had milkweed mixed with grasses. This year I have more grass and fewer milkweeds. I also have another weed which I am not sure what it is; but it provided good mulch. Like I said, the weeds are more manageable this year. This could be due to my perception shift of having them work for me rather than trying to have a love/hate bipolar relationship with them. This could also be due to maintenance on my part. It could be due to the land recognizing my intentions. I could be due to succession. It could be due to all of that or none of that, but the weeds are not as much of a problem.

I have made sure that my main plants are well clear of weed invasions that could choke them out. I am not too concerned with the weeds competing with the tree roots because many weeds have deep taproots which go much deeper than the shallow tree roots. I do know that the grasses may be competing, however, so my goal is to eventually have the beds so well mulched and properly planted that they are not a concern. I know they are nature’s attempt to start succession;  however, I want to control the direction of her succession in my garden and perhaps speed it up.

I still irrigate my plants because I have not built any water storage into the soil; like I said I am trying to figure out how to do that. I have noticed, though, that my plants need less irrigation and when I irrigate the water does not run off like it used to. This is not just my imagination. In the areas where I put the leaves this last fall, the water just soaks in; the areas that did not have the leaves the water quickly runs off. So I guess I am doing something right; increasing the soil fertility by giving it dead plant materials is helping increase the soil drainage. From what I understand then, I can deduce that I have probably increased the earth worm population through my mulch which in turn aerated the soil. During the winter I was also regularly adding my extra water kefir grains and their juice; I am not sure if or how that helped, but I was just following my intuition that perhaps they would add to the soil microbial level.

A surprise I was not expecting this year came from my trees: they set fruit. My one year old apple and peach both set fruit and so did my three mystery trees. It was hard for me to determine the identity of these mystery trees because I had the paradigm that they came from the roots of the grove of trees behind my house; it never entered my thought process that they came from the roots of some trees that were on the property. Last summer I finally figured out that they bore a strong resemblance to two trees I never took much notice of; two trees that I thought were both apricots that had been forced to grow under the canopy of a purple tree which I am told is a plum. I was also told that the two trees were different: one was an apricot and the other was a different variety of plum. I was not convinced because the two trees were nearly identical; or so I thought until I got better at observing them. When those trees set fruit this year I had my last piece of evidence to show me they were different and which one was the parent of my trees: they belonged to the green leafed plum tree. Their fruits were smooth and not fuzzy like the apricots (which had fruited before); so I guess they are plums. Their parent or the purple tree they grow under have never set fruit; this year both set a few fruits so this helped me in identifying the mystery trees.

Now that my observation skills have improved, I have set myself to assisting the highly stressed green-leafed plum; I believe it sent out its runners because of the stress. Unlike its partner the apricot, this tree had never reached the light. The apricot fruited because it was in the light; this one never fruited because no sun ever reached it. Whenever it sent out side branches it was immediately pruned. I took it over this year and kept those side branches and pruned out the top ones that were growing up into the purple-leafed plum in their vain attempt to reach some sun. I also tied a particularly long branch I found over to my arbor with the hope that if this branch was in the sun that it would encourage others to follow it too. I did this only four days ago, but I could swear that the tree looks fuller on the side and certain branches seem like they are taking more effort to reach for the sun. Another interesting event is that the apricot has found my arbor and has taken a fancy to it. Now my arbor that was originally for grapes and kiwis will now host apricots and plums growing over the top.

This is an interesting observation for me to illustrate an important concept in the canopy of the forest garden. From what I read, the trees should be placed in such a way that some sunlight is still able to penetrate to the garden floor. The edge of the forest, where it meets a field, is usually the most productive place of the entire forest; the interior of the forest is the least productive. While many plants do quite well in deep shade and many perennials grew up in forests originally, they were always more productive where they received dappled sun. The lesson that this tree showed me was that some sun is still important; I will keep this in mind so I do not plant too densely. I think this may be another reason that I have intuitively held off on getting more plants.

My comfrey are other plants I want to discuss. The comfrey plant that is the biggest is in dappled sun, but high shade. The next biggest one is near that area too. Both of these plants are in my arbor area for the grapes and kiwis. One grape is also growing in this dappled sun but once it grows up a bit it will be in full sun; just the floor is quite shaded. Four other comfrey plants emerged last week; two on each side of my peach, one by the apple, and the fourth in an area I was going to make a bed but later decided against so it is out in the middle of an area with no companions except the grasses. All four are in full sun and they seem to be struggling. Frankly I am surprised that they are still growing and preserving. I did not realize that they needed partial shade to grow so the full sun is probably quite taxing. The ones under the peach and the apple will eventually be shaded but their trees are still very young and quite sparse. I am interested to see what nature will do with these plants; if they will live or die or die back and come back when there is more shade. Next to the comfrey under the peach are some onions growing so this combination is probably greatly helping the fertility of the soil around the peach; I wonder if this will be enough to keep the peach pest free. I heard from Paul Wheaton in his latest podcast at http://www.richsoil.com/permaculture/1777-162-berms-and-cherry-tree-intervention/ that fertile soil, which leads to healthy plants, is enough to keep most pests away. Time will tell I guess. This little interaction along with how the comfreys develop should be interesting to observe. In part four, I wish to espouse some of my goals for this year and I also want to show you some pictures of what my garden currently looks like and a picture of a scale, but not exact, drawing I did showing the dimensions and the placements of my plants.

Part 2 of 4: 2011 Year Two The Garden Takes Shape

By the spring of 2011 I had compiled a large list of plants I wanted to put in my garden. I had read more on permaculture but I did not heed the advice to observe the land and sculpt it before putting in permanent plantings of perennials. I was too impatient and I wanted to grow my own food. As I was perusing for plants I quickly realized that organic, non-GMO, heirloom, etc were not only expensive but were hard to find. I made the decision that I could embark on that path little by little, but since what I really wanted was to get my forest garden going, I decided to temporarily put those standards on hold. Off to Costco, Home Depot, and mail order catalogues I went. At Costco I purchased a three in one grafted apple tree, a peach tree, and some blueberry bushes. At Home Depot I purchased a red grape, a green grape, and a raspberry. From the mail order I purchased cold-hardy kiwis, sweet pea perennial plants, two paw-paw, some honeysuckle vines, strawberries, and a few other plants. I did not have the knowledge to take starts of these plants nor did I have the resources of where to get those starts from in the first place. I was slightly concerned that my very inexperience would spell doom for these plants but I was too impatient. If these plants did die then I was out a small chunk of change; but I also realized I would have valuable experience.

I had my plants well before it was planting time in my area. I kept them in a dark shed but never the less they decided to prolifically leaf out. Concerned for their health because they were only in a bark medium, I made the decision to plant them even though I was concerned it was too cold. I dug holes, put in leaf debris and kitchen scraps in the bottom hopping they would give some nutrients, placed the plant, and filled with dirt. I did not amend the soil to proper conditions, I did not add fertilizer, I did not add mulch, I did not add sand to break up my clay soil, I did not test my soil density, I did not test soil ph, and I did not do what I was “supposed to do” when planting a plant. I only gave them was a leafy bottom to sit on. I was certain I spelled out their death sentence. I still did not understand that forest gardening was about purposeful manipulation of the environment to provide the best conditions for the plant. I thought forest gardening went in the opposite direction from traditional gardening with its focus on letting the plant fend for itself. I later realized that this fending was only done once all its needs had been met by the gardener. It was never supposed to be a sink or swim on its own ordeal.

Some of my plants died, particularly the mail order ones; however, most survived. My two grapes that I thought had died made a comeback this year. Once I got all these plants in the ground and delineated their actual beds with a border of cement paver stones I made a few years ago, I decided that my next step was to companion plant them. I began looking for companion plant lists and found several plants to add to my wish list for next spring. At this time I kept having a nagging idea that I needed to focus my efforts on building soil fertility. I began searching for dynamic accumulator plants. During this time I also began nurturing two other volunteer mystery trees that were identical to the first. I also took active steps to identify them.

For the fall I ordered comfrey roots and some cereal seeds buckwheat and rye that are supposed to be good cover crop plants. I decided that I wanted to cover the empty spaces with beneficial nutrient offering plants, also known as dynamic accumulators. Once the leaves fell from the trees I piled them up on my new beds. It was so nice to see my garden taking shape. In part three, I discuss the third and current year of my forest garden, I describe my arbor, and my lessons learned from a stressed plant.

Part 1 of 4: Beginnings of My Forest Garden

I have made allusions to the idea that I have a forest garden going and I posted my research paper that first motivated me to start forest gardening; yet, I have never actually described my garden. Here is my attempt to explain what I have going on, where my knowledge is currently, and some directions I want to head in. I split this into four parts. Part one is the first year I tried to implement some forest garden concepts. Part two is the second year where my efforts looked more like forest gardening with the planting of trees and plants that would serve as my backbone of sorts. Part three is my current year of tending my forest garden and the insights I have gained. Finally, in part 4 I listed my goals for this year and posted some pictures of my current garden.  

Two years ago in spring of 2010, I took over the management of an L-shaped garden space. This space was previously organically cultivated with typical row vegetables like corn, peppers, tomatoes, squash, etc. A few months prior to this time I had written my research paper on forest gardening so I was very excited to put into practice what I had learned… which as it turned out barely scratched the surface :).

                                                                                               

I cleared out a section of weeds and proceeded to seed in a 10’x10’ section of corn, sunflowers, beans, and squash. I was trying to grow the traditional three sister’s crop, corn, beans, and squash that I wrote about in my paper. I was also growing the sunflowers for their added shade and to experiment with a rapid, mini-upper story. Those plants were very brave… For the rest of the growing season they only received supplemental watering once a week and they had weeds knocking on their doorstep as constant companions. I was admonished to pull the weeds, but my newbie research led me to believe that all weeds were good, that they had just as much right to live as any cultivated plant, that they would help rather than harm, etc. I now realize that not all weeds are good, that it is ok to direct their growth habits, that they provide excellent mulch, and many other things about weeds; but I also admit that I have a lot of learning in this area.  As for the water thing, I was convinced that plants could live without supplemental watering… Little did I know that this is only true if I put time and effort into sculpting the land to hold the water. Ooops.

Well, by the time fall came I had a garden full of weeds, none of my plants could produce anything beyond some attempts at upward growth because they were so dehydrated, and my first attempt to forest garden was an utter flop. When the leaves began to drop from the trees and all the weeds died back I attempted to put down a kill mulch of several layers of newspaper; needless to say the wind had other ideas so it was a mulch that never was. I did, however, make my first real attempts to nurture some perennials. During the summer a strange tree started growing off to the side of my garden space. I was told to cut it down because it was one of “those pesky trees” that lived in a grove behind our house. I liked it and those trees as well. I said I was keeping it. I carefully wrapped its trunk in newspaper to officially mark it as my tree. I said it would be the upper story in my garden because it would reach 50’ or so if it were one from the grove behind our house. It did not occur to me until later that the upper story did not have reside in my small garden space. Just prior to the leaf drop I also rescued some baby trees from a grove of walnuts and peaches that was cultivated on an adjacent spot to my garden. I transplanted a walnut and two mystery trees. I also wrapped around their trunks at the base. With that I put my feeble attempt of a forest garden to bed for the winter. I am not a master gardener so I did not mulch or “cleanup” my space of dead debris. In part two I will discuss my 2011 planting year.

40 Days of Blogging and Being More Human

Lately I have been mulling over how I want this blog to appear because it is ultimately a reflection of me. I have had the thought for some time now that I wanted to be more authentic in my daily dealings rather than hiding behind the veil of pretense. This blog, up to this point, has not been an accurate reflection of me; it was the polished version of me that I wanted to show the world. My dream, as crazy, redundant, and ambiguous as it sounds it to help people emerge from the darkness of their lives. This is my purpose for studying psychology: I do not want to drug people up I want to help them find the source of their problems and fix it. This is my purpose for studying forest gardening: to help feed the world by providing a light at the end of the tunnel. This is my purpose for unschooling, attachment parenting, and things in this vein: so my daughter can build immunity from the world's darkness by retaining her own light. This is my purpose in whatever I do.



I realized the other day that I would never achieve this dream. My failure to achieve this has nothing to do with the darkness of the world; rather it has everything to do with my embrace of the darkness and refusing to let go. It is my fault that I will never reach this dream of helping others emerge from the darkness. It was a very downtrodden moment for me to come face to face with the realities of my current mode of thinking and realize that the potential outcome would be something that would not help people but would contribute to that perpetual chain of endless misery. In other words, I would end up assisting the very thing I seek to eliminate. I do not want to contribute to that endless chain of misery.



At this point I have two options that I can see. One, I continue my current path or two, I take the detour. Well I cannot find the detour until I can define my path right now. That is not entirely true because I can take the detour at anytime; however, I will gain much more from it if I know what I need to work on. Thus I suppose it is more accurate to say that I do not feel the detour would do me any good or advance me toward my dream if I taint it with my darkness.



Well first off, I seem to thrive on pretense. So I feel my first step should be to practice self-authenticity. I think it will take me awhile to be comfortable speaking my mind to those around me and standing up for what I believe in rather than letting them walk all over me. For now, I will practice my authenticity online so perhaps this will give me greater courage in face to face interactions.



How will I do that? Well I am going to start with this blog. For starters, I am setting a goal for myself to put up at least one blog post per day for the rest of May and all of June. Next, I want to discuss more thoughts in the raw meaning thoughts that come to me rather than waiting to present them along with an image. For three, I want to blog about my daily upsets and victories like a journal. Four, I want to write regular updates on some of my projects. Five, I want to show people my human side. This last part is perhaps the most important to my goal of helping others find their light. I cannot hope to help people if I myself seem aloof or on a pedestal; no, I have to be human and admit my mistakes so that we are comrades in the crazy and sometimes embarrassing arena of life changes.



So to recap the goal I have set for myself: I will blog at least one entry for the next 40 days by including my very human thoughts and my progress on the current status of my projects. These posts may seem more like rambling than what I have written, but it is my hope to connect with my deeper subconscious and bring this power into my daily interactions.



To the birth of wonderful creations,

~Tiffany

Expanding the Defninition of Teacher

Recently I have had the feeling that I was at a new stage in my life. I felt I was ready to move on and explore life from a hands-on perspective. I felt certain that I was finally ready for a teacher to guide me on this path. This last week I had an interesting experience that led me to realize that my definition of teacher was limited. First off, I thought a teacher was someone who specifically took me on as a student with the purpose to enlighten me on particular concepts. Second, I thought a teacher was supposed to purposely inspire me and help me question my attachments. I suppose it is obvious at this point that I am taking about a special type of teacher although these definitions could fit any teacher to various degrees. The teacher I was waiting for was a spiritual teacher.

My experience this past week, culminating today, helped me realize this definition was too narrow. I realized that all human interactions have the potential to help one learn about oneself; especially when strong feelings arise. I also realized that a teacher does not have to know they are teaching. Even if a person does not think he or she has something to pass along it does not mean that what he or she does know will not benefit someone else. I also realized that how we interact with people can be a better teacher than forced or on-purpose teaching. The experience I speak of was an encounter with another person and emotions were intense. While things did not turn out as I secretly hoped they would, I did learn a tremendous amount from this experience even though this person emphatically posited that he was not a teacher. He was a teacher because I was willing to listen to the lesson born from our interaction.

This brings me to the idea I have struggled with for so long. I fully realize that as a parent I am onstage. My daughter will or can pick up anything and everything I do and mimic it with beautiful accuracy. I tell you, if you want to know what your dark side looks like watch your children; if something they do makes you mad then most likely it is something about yourself that you do not want to admit. Because my daughter mirrors me I get instant feedback. Isn't that what a teacher does is provide feedback.

However, these teacher/student relationships are quite ambiguous. The teacher is not trying to teach and the lessons are up to what the student observes and processes. In the case of children they are not necessarily teaching but showing and it is up to the individual to assimilate this information. I can only learn lessons from my daughter because I am open to observing and integrating them. It is the same thing with this experience I had.  He was not teaching; we were interacting and I was observing myself. The lessons I gained were not from lesson plans that he prepared; I had to find the lessons.

I realized that at any moment the individual has the potential to be a teacher and a student; it all depends upon our agreed upon interaction with the other individual(s) and what we truly need. A verse from the Bible keeps wondering through my head that said something like, "Blessed is he who can see without seeing and hear without hearing". I always thought a proper teacher would cross paths with me and our roles would be well defined. In other words,  I would see and hear in the very physical sense. If, however, teacher/student roles are more subtle then that means one must be astute enough to realize what is going on without the sensory seeing and hearing. Thus the question is can I learn without seeing and hearing meaning can I learn from the ambiguity of life?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned today and the potential for more freedom from self-bondage.