Lately I have been mulling over how I want this blog to appear because it is ultimately a reflection of me. I have had the thought for some time now that I wanted to be more authentic in my daily dealings rather than hiding behind the veil of pretense. This blog, up to this point, has not been an accurate reflection of me; it was the polished version of me that I wanted to show the world. My dream, as crazy, redundant, and ambiguous as it sounds it to help people emerge from the darkness of their lives. This is my purpose for studying psychology: I do not want to drug people up I want to help them find the source of their problems and fix it. This is my purpose for studying forest gardening: to help feed the world by providing a light at the end of the tunnel. This is my purpose for unschooling, attachment parenting, and things in this vein: so my daughter can build immunity from the world's darkness by retaining her own light. This is my purpose in whatever I do.
I realized the other day that I would never achieve this dream. My failure to achieve this has nothing to do with the darkness of the world; rather it has everything to do with my embrace of the darkness and refusing to let go. It is my fault that I will never reach this dream of helping others emerge from the darkness. It was a very downtrodden moment for me to come face to face with the realities of my current mode of thinking and realize that the potential outcome would be something that would not help people but would contribute to that perpetual chain of endless misery. In other words, I would end up assisting the very thing I seek to eliminate. I do not want to contribute to that endless chain of misery.
At this point I have two options that I can see. One, I continue my current path or two, I take the detour. Well I cannot find the detour until I can define my path right now. That is not entirely true because I can take the detour at anytime; however, I will gain much more from it if I know what I need to work on. Thus I suppose it is more accurate to say that I do not feel the detour would do me any good or advance me toward my dream if I taint it with my darkness.
Well first off, I seem to thrive on pretense. So I feel my first step should be to practice self-authenticity. I think it will take me awhile to be comfortable speaking my mind to those around me and standing up for what I believe in rather than letting them walk all over me. For now, I will practice my authenticity online so perhaps this will give me greater courage in face to face interactions.
How will I do that? Well I am going to start with this blog. For starters, I am setting a goal for myself to put up at least one blog post per day for the rest of May and all of June. Next, I want to discuss more thoughts in the raw meaning thoughts that come to me rather than waiting to present them along with an image. For three, I want to blog about my daily upsets and victories like a journal. Four, I want to write regular updates on some of my projects. Five, I want to show people my human side. This last part is perhaps the most important to my goal of helping others find their light. I cannot hope to help people if I myself seem aloof or on a pedestal; no, I have to be human and admit my mistakes so that we are comrades in the crazy and sometimes embarrassing arena of life changes.
So to recap the goal I have set for myself: I will blog at least one entry for the next 40 days by including my very human thoughts and my progress on the current status of my projects. These posts may seem more like rambling than what I have written, but it is my hope to connect with my deeper subconscious and bring this power into my daily interactions.
To the birth of wonderful creations,
~Tiffany
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