Enjoying the Journey: From Stress and Loathing to Acceptance

I have been hearing many conversations lately that discuss how our world is riddled with poisons to such an extent that people are sick and dying to a greater extent than ever before. Toxic chemicals are added to our food, clothing, toys, house building materials, furniture, etc. Diseases like cancer and autism are on the rise. The more I find out, the more I feel disheartened; how can I possibly overcome this mountain? While I truly respect those on soapboxes trying to get out the word on this state of affairs, I am left feeling incredibly helpless; I want to crawl under a rock and hide, I want to disengage, I want to shut it all out, I want to ignore what I hear. But I cannot ignore it because it is there and my ears and eyes are working just fine.

For many years (perhaps my whole life) I frequently engaged self-loathing as I counted all the "bad" things I did on a regular basis. My thoughts were always "someday..." Someday I will be a gluten free raw vegan to reduce toxins I take in from gain, animal, and cooked products. Someday I will stop consuming junk food so I do not ingest so many chemicals and so few nutrients. Someday I will have a piece of land to be self-sufficient on and build a home without toxic building materials and that is kinder to the environment. Someday I will stop haplessly consuming and buying plastics. Someday I will make or grow everything I need. Someday, someday, someday. My point is that now is never good enough because I always believe there is something I could be doing better. In some of my recent writings in my psychology classes I have come to realize that I lack self-love and self-compassion. Perhaps I will explore more on that later. For now, suffice it to say, I never felt I was good enough and I always lived for the future.

I had an amazing experience last week that helped me realize that I am happy where I am at and that I do not want to be where I thought I would be; not if it was done at the expense of self-love and other-love and involves extreme inconvenience. Until recently I would not have been ready for my experience because I was too self-conscious about myself. I have, however, found a small level of comfort with myself and so I was ready to go into a situation where I was out of my element and stuck out like a sore thumb. This was a rugged, 'back to the land' experience; although it was not as rugged as it could have been but rugged enough to make me realize I loved, and did not want to part with, some conveniences I currently enjoy: such as a shower, heat, and a toilet across the hall :). It was almost as if life was telling me, "So you think this is what you want, well here is a chance to experience that.” Wow! Is all I can say. I am so thankful that I have a toilet across the hall, that I have a heated house, and that I have access to a shower anytime I feel grimy.

This brings up an interesting dichotomy (well sort of) about convenience. At what point does convenience hurt the earth and is it possible to have convenience and still be in harmony with the earth? Put a bit differently, at what point is convenience harming my health, such as the constant exposure to electromagnetic energy in the electricity and chlorine and fluoride in the water, and at what point is convenience ok, or even beneficial to me? I suppose I will have to cogitate more on these questions, but one thing I do know is that for now, I am fine where I am at. I know I will continue to grow and increase my healthy actions, I know that I will gradually make changes, and I know that I am ok with gradual. I also know that I will find a balance between what is best for me and what is best for the earth and what is best for society.

As for life right now, sure I will continue to be surrounded by harmful toxins. I know this will not change anytime soon. Armed with this knowledge I cannot fret about this state of affairs nor can I run around frantically like I just cut off my finger in an effort to put out those proverbial fires. If these toxins are so harmful to my health, and I am not arguing that they are harmless, then it seems to me that being in a state of constant stress is even more harmful to my body and will potentially weaken my immune system enough to allow these toxins to harm me. For now, while I am growing and making gradual change, I feel it is best for me to accept my current state of affairs rather than stress about it. Stress will harm me more in the end because of its compound effects. Hmmm, perhaps I will write more about stress and how it affects the body. For now I choose to let go of the anger, fear, and self-righteous condemnation. I refuse to be a fear monger to myself or anyone else. I choose to be happy and content with gradual growth.