Monday, August 17, 2009

An Unexpected Outcome and a New Awakening

I recently wrote about a blessing in disguise I received, while working in a sales position. Prior to accepting this position I was plagued by doubts about wanting to be a stay at home mom, but terribly missing the outside world. In this position I realized what I really wanted out of life was not a job but to be a mom and to be with my child at home. Once I made that decision I never looked back: I never mourned my being at home and I never wished I was elsewhere.

It then became my obsession to completely question all tenants I held in regards to parenting. This helped me to start on a new path, a path that was more conducive to facilitating my child's growth. Basically this was a clearing process, a throwing out of garbage and cleaning house, so to speak. While cleaning house I encountered something that was stopping me from getting further, self doubt. Like a weed I kept pulling it out, but it kept coming back. I realized that the problem was not the weed but in my approach to ridding the weed. I constantly pulled out the top of the plant but the roots were still there. And from the roots it continued to spring anew, not thwarted by my hacking it. Thus started the journey about gaining self approval.

Today, with this journey commencing relatively recently, I had my first major break though.

For a long time I have had this fear that if something happened to my husband, I would be in trouble. I mean I am totally dependant on him to bring in money. Choosing to be a stay at home mom meant that I did not have any source of income. If something were to happen, I would have to get a job to pay our debts and bills. Having the job would mean I would have to put my daughter in daycare and later enroll her in public school. It all went against my reasons for being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my daughter.

Doubts about my independence lead to believing that, for my daughter's sake, I had to make the best use of every teachable moment. Something might happen in the future, but if it did, at least my daughter had a good solid foundation, I reasoned. I can't even begin to describe the sheer amount of pressure this put on me to do this parenting and homeschooling thing perfectly. I became so critical of my self that nothing was good enough. I was trying to force my daughter to learn, thus I was driving a wedge in between us. Wow, with all my good intentions in leaving my sales position to devote my self to my daughter, I was actually achieving the opposite. This outcome was not at all expected and quite contrary to the skittles and rainbow thoughts I had when I left.

So if this unexpected outcome stemmed from my dependence issues what could I do? Three events have happened recently that gave me the answer even before I knew the question. Only today did I put it this all together. Event One: I came across a book called Primal Mothering by Hygeia Halfmoon. This was a totally weird coincidence because this book had been misplaced in the children's book section in a thrift store. Of course it caught my attention, and for some reason, I had to get it, even though the back cover description did not seem interesting. Event Two: I encountered the concept of Unschooling, joined some forums and found this to feel totally correct and in line with what I wanted. Event Three: I enrolled in college with the intent to get my masters degree in Psychology.

For now, I want to focus on Event One and how that layed the foundation to understanding what was going on and what I needed to do.

Before I get to that, let me give a short synopsis of the book. Hygeia, through the course of three failed relationships, became a single mother to three children. In her first pregnancy she awoke to the ideas of what typically might be considered attachment parenting, a term she later revised to be Primal Mothering. Primal Mothering means attuning to that knowledge deep within ourselves that comes from our ancestors about the reality of, and our responsibility in, rearing children. Realizing that her intuitive knowledge about what was best for her new baby did not at all line up with her then current husband's ideas, she made the painful decision to put her daughter first and leave her husband. Being alone, she was now faced with the reality of how to support her self and her baby. She could not follow the traditional path of giving up the care of her baby to a babysitter while she got a job. If she were to do that it would go against her reasons for leaving her husband in the first place. She had to find a way to create financial influx while staying true to being with her daughter 24/7.

Hygia went back to school to work toward her doctorate, bringing her daughter with her. Unleashing her entrepreneurial spirit, she started selling home made baby slings. She became a vagabond, and in having no permanent home, evaluated how much money was really needed to live off of and what stuff was really necessary to have. Also during this time she received public assistance, something that she has received much abuse about from readers. However, when this assistance threatened to compromise the bond between her and her daughter, she gave up this much needed assistance. Life for Hygeia was not easy. This initial period of time was landmark to securing in her the undying devotion to her daughter and her two future children. Many road blocks were thrown up that threatened to derail her, but she stayed firm in her belief that she belonged with her children and no one could make her do otherwise.

I do not yet realize the complete implication these words will have for me. I know that it inspired me to believe that, no matter what happens, I will be fine so long as I put Celina-Lin first. If I succumb to societies morays about child rearing, then I have failed the person it matters to most, Celina-Lin. This idea of failure is not a burden, rather it is an inspiration. Deep inside of me lies my primal wisdom. Each step I take to be with Celina-Lin brings me more in line with the understanding and application of that wisdom.