Our view of the world is jaded or colored by our understanding; in other words our view is not clear and unobstructed. One particular subcatagory I have problems in is seeing people for who they are, not who I would like them to be. This brings on blindness and bias that could be harmful to future progression or keep old wounds from healing.
A boss who cannot see the bad work ethic of the friend he or she was promoted over because the friendship blinds and creates denial.
A mother cannot see her child is rude and disrespectful because this is her "sweet, innocent baby". She is in denial.
An older sister sees her younger sister as a slacker and "needs to get her act together". Because the older sister is blinded by responsibility and raising a family, she fails to see the beautiful, free spirited, talented potential the younger sister possesses. The older sister just needs to back off long enough to let the younger sister spread her wings.
And the list could continue, but this is sufficient. What this boils down to is failing to see something for what it is. "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is a duck." We need to recognize our built in bias and circumnavigate it. The boss with the bias of friendship may need to separate priorities. The mother may need to separate reality from fantasy. The older sister may need to cease manipulation of the situation.
I will take this newly found nugget of wisdom and apply this to all my relationships both present and future. Who knows this could also help to heal past wounds or recognize and rectify character judgment mistakes that are dragging me down.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Destroying the Seed
Any one who has ever planted a seed knows how futile it is to get it to grow quicker than its own natural process. Another futile effort is trying to tell the seed exactly what specifications it needs to grow into.
For example, you plant a marigold seed and fantasize about how tall it will be, how many blossoms it will have, how many leaves it will have, the color of the blooms, etc.; in other words this Marigold seed will turn out to be exactly as you fantasized, down to the last detail. That is just silly. Sure you have the idea it will be a marigold plant, but you have no way of knowing exactly what it will look like.
Now lets take this a step further. Several days have passed since you planted the seed, however you have not seen a sprout yet. In your impatience you adopt the belief that you forgot to give it something or you did not give it enough of something. So you start throwing all your resources at it: extra water; various varieties of plant food; some plant medicines in case it has a disease; a sunnier location; etc. This process even continues once the plant sprouts - if the plant sprouts because all the extra attention may have killed it - to speed up growth and assuage impatience.
As the caretaker of a seed, you only have the basic responsibilities to provide this seed with optimal growing conditions: adequate water; adequate food; proper light; additional intervention if the plant becomes sick; and occasional pulling of weeds that would otherwise choke the seed. No amount of extra effort can coax this seed to grow faster than its predetermined life progression or contract. Sometimes extra effort may positively influence the outcome but it cannot speed up the growth. Other times extra effort boils over into extremes, like over watering, and kills the seed.
Every expectation in life is a seed. Everything that initiates change is a seed. Every atavistic irritation that will not get out of your thoughts is a seed. Seeds are planted all the time in our lives. Our actions determine if this seed will take root, grow, and thrive, or, if it will fade out to be counted among the casualties of war.
This begs the question, what are you doing with your seeds? Will they thrive and strive, or will they struggle and die?
For example, you plant a marigold seed and fantasize about how tall it will be, how many blossoms it will have, how many leaves it will have, the color of the blooms, etc.; in other words this Marigold seed will turn out to be exactly as you fantasized, down to the last detail. That is just silly. Sure you have the idea it will be a marigold plant, but you have no way of knowing exactly what it will look like.
Now lets take this a step further. Several days have passed since you planted the seed, however you have not seen a sprout yet. In your impatience you adopt the belief that you forgot to give it something or you did not give it enough of something. So you start throwing all your resources at it: extra water; various varieties of plant food; some plant medicines in case it has a disease; a sunnier location; etc. This process even continues once the plant sprouts - if the plant sprouts because all the extra attention may have killed it - to speed up growth and assuage impatience.
As the caretaker of a seed, you only have the basic responsibilities to provide this seed with optimal growing conditions: adequate water; adequate food; proper light; additional intervention if the plant becomes sick; and occasional pulling of weeds that would otherwise choke the seed. No amount of extra effort can coax this seed to grow faster than its predetermined life progression or contract. Sometimes extra effort may positively influence the outcome but it cannot speed up the growth. Other times extra effort boils over into extremes, like over watering, and kills the seed.
Every expectation in life is a seed. Everything that initiates change is a seed. Every atavistic irritation that will not get out of your thoughts is a seed. Seeds are planted all the time in our lives. Our actions determine if this seed will take root, grow, and thrive, or, if it will fade out to be counted among the casualties of war.
This begs the question, what are you doing with your seeds? Will they thrive and strive, or will they struggle and die?
Friday, December 25, 2009
Dogma is Subservient
Recently I was asked to define my beliefs and if my beliefs ever changed. I decided that I hold two beliefs to be infallible: "If I am not growing, then I am dying" and "I am a child of God." These beliefs are simple and un-muddled by dogma; they are the highest and most governing factors in all decisions. All other beliefs are secondary and subservient because they are limited by my current understanding and error-prone perception. An example of secondary beliefs would be any belief that tells me how to act in regard to my primary beliefs. These beliefs are dogma. Dogma is fine and has a place: to define our intra- and interpersonal interactions. Secondary beliefs can never be infallible because I am always growing; my perceptions are always changing with the influx of new information, and are, therefore, subject to re-evaluation. I view any changes in secondary belief to be enlightening, welcome, and invigorating paradigm shifts that open me further to the world of possibilities.
Monday, August 17, 2009
An Unexpected Outcome and a New Awakening
I recently wrote about a blessing in disguise I received, while working in a sales position. Prior to accepting this position I was plagued by doubts about wanting to be a stay at home mom, but terribly missing the outside world. In this position I realized what I really wanted out of life was not a job but to be a mom and to be with my child at home. Once I made that decision I never looked back: I never mourned my being at home and I never wished I was elsewhere.
It then became my obsession to completely question all tenants I held in regards to parenting. This helped me to start on a new path, a path that was more conducive to facilitating my child's growth. Basically this was a clearing process, a throwing out of garbage and cleaning house, so to speak. While cleaning house I encountered something that was stopping me from getting further, self doubt. Like a weed I kept pulling it out, but it kept coming back. I realized that the problem was not the weed but in my approach to ridding the weed. I constantly pulled out the top of the plant but the roots were still there. And from the roots it continued to spring anew, not thwarted by my hacking it. Thus started the journey about gaining self approval.
Today, with this journey commencing relatively recently, I had my first major break though.
For a long time I have had this fear that if something happened to my husband, I would be in trouble. I mean I am totally dependant on him to bring in money. Choosing to be a stay at home mom meant that I did not have any source of income. If something were to happen, I would have to get a job to pay our debts and bills. Having the job would mean I would have to put my daughter in daycare and later enroll her in public school. It all went against my reasons for being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my daughter.
Doubts about my independence lead to believing that, for my daughter's sake, I had to make the best use of every teachable moment. Something might happen in the future, but if it did, at least my daughter had a good solid foundation, I reasoned. I can't even begin to describe the sheer amount of pressure this put on me to do this parenting and homeschooling thing perfectly. I became so critical of my self that nothing was good enough. I was trying to force my daughter to learn, thus I was driving a wedge in between us. Wow, with all my good intentions in leaving my sales position to devote my self to my daughter, I was actually achieving the opposite. This outcome was not at all expected and quite contrary to the skittles and rainbow thoughts I had when I left.
So if this unexpected outcome stemmed from my dependence issues what could I do? Three events have happened recently that gave me the answer even before I knew the question. Only today did I put it this all together. Event One: I came across a book called Primal Mothering by Hygeia Halfmoon. This was a totally weird coincidence because this book had been misplaced in the children's book section in a thrift store. Of course it caught my attention, and for some reason, I had to get it, even though the back cover description did not seem interesting. Event Two: I encountered the concept of Unschooling, joined some forums and found this to feel totally correct and in line with what I wanted. Event Three: I enrolled in college with the intent to get my masters degree in Psychology.
For now, I want to focus on Event One and how that layed the foundation to understanding what was going on and what I needed to do.
Before I get to that, let me give a short synopsis of the book. Hygeia, through the course of three failed relationships, became a single mother to three children. In her first pregnancy she awoke to the ideas of what typically might be considered attachment parenting, a term she later revised to be Primal Mothering. Primal Mothering means attuning to that knowledge deep within ourselves that comes from our ancestors about the reality of, and our responsibility in, rearing children. Realizing that her intuitive knowledge about what was best for her new baby did not at all line up with her then current husband's ideas, she made the painful decision to put her daughter first and leave her husband. Being alone, she was now faced with the reality of how to support her self and her baby. She could not follow the traditional path of giving up the care of her baby to a babysitter while she got a job. If she were to do that it would go against her reasons for leaving her husband in the first place. She had to find a way to create financial influx while staying true to being with her daughter 24/7.
Hygia went back to school to work toward her doctorate, bringing her daughter with her. Unleashing her entrepreneurial spirit, she started selling home made baby slings. She became a vagabond, and in having no permanent home, evaluated how much money was really needed to live off of and what stuff was really necessary to have. Also during this time she received public assistance, something that she has received much abuse about from readers. However, when this assistance threatened to compromise the bond between her and her daughter, she gave up this much needed assistance. Life for Hygeia was not easy. This initial period of time was landmark to securing in her the undying devotion to her daughter and her two future children. Many road blocks were thrown up that threatened to derail her, but she stayed firm in her belief that she belonged with her children and no one could make her do otherwise.
I do not yet realize the complete implication these words will have for me. I know that it inspired me to believe that, no matter what happens, I will be fine so long as I put Celina-Lin first. If I succumb to societies morays about child rearing, then I have failed the person it matters to most, Celina-Lin. This idea of failure is not a burden, rather it is an inspiration. Deep inside of me lies my primal wisdom. Each step I take to be with Celina-Lin brings me more in line with the understanding and application of that wisdom.
It then became my obsession to completely question all tenants I held in regards to parenting. This helped me to start on a new path, a path that was more conducive to facilitating my child's growth. Basically this was a clearing process, a throwing out of garbage and cleaning house, so to speak. While cleaning house I encountered something that was stopping me from getting further, self doubt. Like a weed I kept pulling it out, but it kept coming back. I realized that the problem was not the weed but in my approach to ridding the weed. I constantly pulled out the top of the plant but the roots were still there. And from the roots it continued to spring anew, not thwarted by my hacking it. Thus started the journey about gaining self approval.
Today, with this journey commencing relatively recently, I had my first major break though.
For a long time I have had this fear that if something happened to my husband, I would be in trouble. I mean I am totally dependant on him to bring in money. Choosing to be a stay at home mom meant that I did not have any source of income. If something were to happen, I would have to get a job to pay our debts and bills. Having the job would mean I would have to put my daughter in daycare and later enroll her in public school. It all went against my reasons for being a stay at home mom and homeschooling my daughter.
Doubts about my independence lead to believing that, for my daughter's sake, I had to make the best use of every teachable moment. Something might happen in the future, but if it did, at least my daughter had a good solid foundation, I reasoned. I can't even begin to describe the sheer amount of pressure this put on me to do this parenting and homeschooling thing perfectly. I became so critical of my self that nothing was good enough. I was trying to force my daughter to learn, thus I was driving a wedge in between us. Wow, with all my good intentions in leaving my sales position to devote my self to my daughter, I was actually achieving the opposite. This outcome was not at all expected and quite contrary to the skittles and rainbow thoughts I had when I left.
So if this unexpected outcome stemmed from my dependence issues what could I do? Three events have happened recently that gave me the answer even before I knew the question. Only today did I put it this all together. Event One: I came across a book called Primal Mothering by Hygeia Halfmoon. This was a totally weird coincidence because this book had been misplaced in the children's book section in a thrift store. Of course it caught my attention, and for some reason, I had to get it, even though the back cover description did not seem interesting. Event Two: I encountered the concept of Unschooling, joined some forums and found this to feel totally correct and in line with what I wanted. Event Three: I enrolled in college with the intent to get my masters degree in Psychology.
For now, I want to focus on Event One and how that layed the foundation to understanding what was going on and what I needed to do.
Before I get to that, let me give a short synopsis of the book. Hygeia, through the course of three failed relationships, became a single mother to three children. In her first pregnancy she awoke to the ideas of what typically might be considered attachment parenting, a term she later revised to be Primal Mothering. Primal Mothering means attuning to that knowledge deep within ourselves that comes from our ancestors about the reality of, and our responsibility in, rearing children. Realizing that her intuitive knowledge about what was best for her new baby did not at all line up with her then current husband's ideas, she made the painful decision to put her daughter first and leave her husband. Being alone, she was now faced with the reality of how to support her self and her baby. She could not follow the traditional path of giving up the care of her baby to a babysitter while she got a job. If she were to do that it would go against her reasons for leaving her husband in the first place. She had to find a way to create financial influx while staying true to being with her daughter 24/7.
Hygia went back to school to work toward her doctorate, bringing her daughter with her. Unleashing her entrepreneurial spirit, she started selling home made baby slings. She became a vagabond, and in having no permanent home, evaluated how much money was really needed to live off of and what stuff was really necessary to have. Also during this time she received public assistance, something that she has received much abuse about from readers. However, when this assistance threatened to compromise the bond between her and her daughter, she gave up this much needed assistance. Life for Hygeia was not easy. This initial period of time was landmark to securing in her the undying devotion to her daughter and her two future children. Many road blocks were thrown up that threatened to derail her, but she stayed firm in her belief that she belonged with her children and no one could make her do otherwise.
I do not yet realize the complete implication these words will have for me. I know that it inspired me to believe that, no matter what happens, I will be fine so long as I put Celina-Lin first. If I succumb to societies morays about child rearing, then I have failed the person it matters to most, Celina-Lin. This idea of failure is not a burden, rather it is an inspiration. Deep inside of me lies my primal wisdom. Each step I take to be with Celina-Lin brings me more in line with the understanding and application of that wisdom.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Moments of Clarity Often Come in Disguise
I want to reflect on a moment of clarity I had recently. I took a sales job, thinking it should be easy enough, but failed miserably. That is to say I miserably failed to bring in money and actually paid quite a bit to stay and fail. We do not learn things through success, our greatest moments of progress occur in failure. We learn what not to do, what to do differently, and what really matters to us.
From this experience I learned that I would do things differently as far as selling to make it more ethical and a win win for everyone. I am still working on and exact method, but it got me to look for a different way, and that is what is important. I was talking to someone, the other day, about some ideas I had on a new direction to take the presentation. He said to me "what makes you so sure this will work, what if this doesn't work either, what will you do then?". I realized, in this moment, that irregardless of the outcome, the experience would be priceless. I would gain so much more from it than money. In fact my previous failure turned out to be extremely valuable.
While this insight was great, I had another unexpected benefit of this financial failure. It taught me what I really wanted in life. When I first started I brought my daughter with me to all office meetings, and office related work that I had to do. After some time of failing to even get any appointments, it was suggested to me that I leave Celina in the care of the my boss' daughter and nanny for a reasonable rate. I decided to give this a try. For about a month I took her to this babysitter while I put all my effort into making this succeed. I worked 10 hour days, put in 100 miles a day, spent tons on gas and eating out, spent money for babysitting, invested in any material I thought I would need, and in general tried to apply myself to everything I was told to do. Burn out was happening really quick. I became short with Celina and my husband, my house was a disaster, and the only time I got to see Celina was when we were asleep. I missed her so much. And to top it off, I was utterly failing to make any sales or have a steady stream of appointments. One day, it was strongly suggested to me, that I turn in all my equipment and leave the company. I was devastated, I had tried so hard, what was I doing wrong, why was I failing? I had done everything I was told, why was I failing?
Through a very long conversation with my husband, and much reflection, I finally figured out why, with all this effort, I had produced no monetary results. It took away from me in two areas. One I was being asked to perform certain aspects of selling and setting appointments which I found to go against my beliefs. I felt I was being dishonest and sleezy. This lead to realizing that I needed to find a new way of selling. The second thing I realized was that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, however someone else was with my daughter for the best part of her day, I barely saw her. This was wrong, how was I going to be able to homeshool if I was never home? How could I be a stay at home mom if I was never home. This went against what I thought motherhood should be, and was asking me to be a completely different person than I am.
Once I left, I realized that I wanted to be at home. So now my days could be spent in making this a good home, not lamenting on all that I was missing by not having a job. This was in September of 2008. Since then I have completely transformed my home into an environment that is conducive for Celina's learning. I am making great headway in organizing my home, getting rid of clutter, and crating more useful spaces. I have become focused on what I want, create what I want, and realize what is really important to me, my daughter. I can now look to the future with clarity and certainty that I am on the right path. I am even making great strides in the other things I want to do like taking control of my health and learning about natural living. I now want to go back to school and I know what I want to study. Most of all I realize my role in Celina's development, and the importance of my presence.
From this experience I learned that I would do things differently as far as selling to make it more ethical and a win win for everyone. I am still working on and exact method, but it got me to look for a different way, and that is what is important. I was talking to someone, the other day, about some ideas I had on a new direction to take the presentation. He said to me "what makes you so sure this will work, what if this doesn't work either, what will you do then?". I realized, in this moment, that irregardless of the outcome, the experience would be priceless. I would gain so much more from it than money. In fact my previous failure turned out to be extremely valuable.
While this insight was great, I had another unexpected benefit of this financial failure. It taught me what I really wanted in life. When I first started I brought my daughter with me to all office meetings, and office related work that I had to do. After some time of failing to even get any appointments, it was suggested to me that I leave Celina in the care of the my boss' daughter and nanny for a reasonable rate. I decided to give this a try. For about a month I took her to this babysitter while I put all my effort into making this succeed. I worked 10 hour days, put in 100 miles a day, spent tons on gas and eating out, spent money for babysitting, invested in any material I thought I would need, and in general tried to apply myself to everything I was told to do. Burn out was happening really quick. I became short with Celina and my husband, my house was a disaster, and the only time I got to see Celina was when we were asleep. I missed her so much. And to top it off, I was utterly failing to make any sales or have a steady stream of appointments. One day, it was strongly suggested to me, that I turn in all my equipment and leave the company. I was devastated, I had tried so hard, what was I doing wrong, why was I failing? I had done everything I was told, why was I failing?
Through a very long conversation with my husband, and much reflection, I finally figured out why, with all this effort, I had produced no monetary results. It took away from me in two areas. One I was being asked to perform certain aspects of selling and setting appointments which I found to go against my beliefs. I felt I was being dishonest and sleezy. This lead to realizing that I needed to find a new way of selling. The second thing I realized was that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, however someone else was with my daughter for the best part of her day, I barely saw her. This was wrong, how was I going to be able to homeshool if I was never home? How could I be a stay at home mom if I was never home. This went against what I thought motherhood should be, and was asking me to be a completely different person than I am.
Once I left, I realized that I wanted to be at home. So now my days could be spent in making this a good home, not lamenting on all that I was missing by not having a job. This was in September of 2008. Since then I have completely transformed my home into an environment that is conducive for Celina's learning. I am making great headway in organizing my home, getting rid of clutter, and crating more useful spaces. I have become focused on what I want, create what I want, and realize what is really important to me, my daughter. I can now look to the future with clarity and certainty that I am on the right path. I am even making great strides in the other things I want to do like taking control of my health and learning about natural living. I now want to go back to school and I know what I want to study. Most of all I realize my role in Celina's development, and the importance of my presence.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Search for Love
Life is about balance. The more you are balanced the more success and happiness you have. You simply cannot have happiness if your life is in constant contrast. Life is dance in which everything is perfectly balanced in love. Even that which seems delicate is, in fact, a solid surface upon which to tread. When everything is perfectly balanced in love, the impossible is possible. Life should be full of beauty, grace, happiness, joy and the constant potential to grow. To live life this way is to be in harmony with the intentions of God. Life is God. God is creation. Creation is love. Love is balance. Balance is Fulfillment. Life is the fulfillment of purpose and direction. Therefore life is love. And Love is God. Everything goes around in an eternal dance, each with its own part, but still part of the whole.
Since the Beginning, man has worked to get what he wanted. His success could only ever be finite, never complete or whole. The reason is that man viewed himself as separate from God, therefore he could never truly feel love, and so could never find fulfillment. Man alone cannot ever hope to achieve true greatness, cannot hope to live up to all the potential he was created with. Separation from God within is the ultimate in predetermining failure. In separation from self, one never finds true happiness or meaning in life and is always looking for something else to full that void.
The void constantly haunts me, therefore I am always seeking to fill it. I am never happy, no matter who is around me. I constantly feel alone, scared and doubtful. I want love, companionship and togetherness, but I never truly find it, and I am always left wanting.
True love can only ever be realized when you partner with your God Self.
We are two parts: physical self and unconscious self. The physical self is primal and animal like, instinctual and habitual. The unconscious self is that God fragment that resides in us. In our reality we only ever focus on the physical self. We are only aware of the unconscious self through the physical fruits in our life. The physical fruits in our life are an indication of the health of the unconscious self. Because we do not have relations with this God Fragment, we feel a void.
Our attempt at religion is merely trying to fill this void. The void will never be filled, though, because religion puts God outside of and separate from ourselves. We attempt to solve the problem by looking to something external and unattainable because we are afraid to look within.
Intuitively I know my answers lie within, but I lie to my self, creating false realities to avoid self responsibility. The self saboteur within likes to feel alone because that is all I feel I deserve. What has made me so scared? Why do I feel so unworthy? I need to embrace you God self but how can I find you?
Since the Beginning, man has worked to get what he wanted. His success could only ever be finite, never complete or whole. The reason is that man viewed himself as separate from God, therefore he could never truly feel love, and so could never find fulfillment. Man alone cannot ever hope to achieve true greatness, cannot hope to live up to all the potential he was created with. Separation from God within is the ultimate in predetermining failure. In separation from self, one never finds true happiness or meaning in life and is always looking for something else to full that void.
The void constantly haunts me, therefore I am always seeking to fill it. I am never happy, no matter who is around me. I constantly feel alone, scared and doubtful. I want love, companionship and togetherness, but I never truly find it, and I am always left wanting.
True love can only ever be realized when you partner with your God Self.
We are two parts: physical self and unconscious self. The physical self is primal and animal like, instinctual and habitual. The unconscious self is that God fragment that resides in us. In our reality we only ever focus on the physical self. We are only aware of the unconscious self through the physical fruits in our life. The physical fruits in our life are an indication of the health of the unconscious self. Because we do not have relations with this God Fragment, we feel a void.
Our attempt at religion is merely trying to fill this void. The void will never be filled, though, because religion puts God outside of and separate from ourselves. We attempt to solve the problem by looking to something external and unattainable because we are afraid to look within.
Intuitively I know my answers lie within, but I lie to my self, creating false realities to avoid self responsibility. The self saboteur within likes to feel alone because that is all I feel I deserve. What has made me so scared? Why do I feel so unworthy? I need to embrace you God self but how can I find you?
My Voice
For my entire life I have been plagued by: poor self esteem, lack of self confidence, self doubt, unconsciously sabotaging any happiness I came across, and finding avenues of distraction from my real self. Without realizing it, I was responsible for being unhappy, unhealthy, unsuccessful, and trapped in a life of my creation. I would not let my voice be heard or openly express my creativity. I often became too emotionally involved in something and often got hurt. I existed in a paradox. On one hand I wanted to express myself and tried, on the other hand I kept doing things to sabotage that expression because I was unconsciously afraid of getting hurt.
Through serious self examination and extensive journaling, I finally realized that my unconscious contained many closed closets. These closets were overflowing, ready to explode and spew their contents all over my life. These were things that I had put away from sight to forget about. There was so much stuff contained in them that I no longer remembered, buried things that were about to surface. If this stuff came out too suddenly, being spewed all over my life for example, I would not be able to handle it. That is why the road to healing is long, to give yourself time to become reacquainted with this stuff, accept it, and change it.
I often tried to run and hide. I ignored the promptings from my subconscious to look at things for what they are, not this rainbow and skittles lens I wanted to put on it. My life was a mess, I encountered problems at every turn. I tried to do things that were good, beneficial and positive for myself, but I was never happy. I always felt as if something were missing. I despised myself as I constantly measured myself against others and always determined myself as lacking. I always wanted to be the best but nothing was ever good enough. The showroom of my life had become decorated with huge elephants standing in the middle of the room that I kept trying to look around and never wanted to talk about.
Through journaling I realized that everything is connected, how you do anything is how you do everything, and all problems you have are merely symptoms of bigger problems. Basically all problems are the fruits of the tree. We keep attacking fruits and expect the tree to die. But that tree will perpetually stand because it has strong, deep roots to sustain it.
Through serious self examination and extensive journaling, I finally realized that my unconscious contained many closed closets. These closets were overflowing, ready to explode and spew their contents all over my life. These were things that I had put away from sight to forget about. There was so much stuff contained in them that I no longer remembered, buried things that were about to surface. If this stuff came out too suddenly, being spewed all over my life for example, I would not be able to handle it. That is why the road to healing is long, to give yourself time to become reacquainted with this stuff, accept it, and change it.
I often tried to run and hide. I ignored the promptings from my subconscious to look at things for what they are, not this rainbow and skittles lens I wanted to put on it. My life was a mess, I encountered problems at every turn. I tried to do things that were good, beneficial and positive for myself, but I was never happy. I always felt as if something were missing. I despised myself as I constantly measured myself against others and always determined myself as lacking. I always wanted to be the best but nothing was ever good enough. The showroom of my life had become decorated with huge elephants standing in the middle of the room that I kept trying to look around and never wanted to talk about.
Through journaling I realized that everything is connected, how you do anything is how you do everything, and all problems you have are merely symptoms of bigger problems. Basically all problems are the fruits of the tree. We keep attacking fruits and expect the tree to die. But that tree will perpetually stand because it has strong, deep roots to sustain it.
Healing As A Process
At the beginning of 2008 I was beginning a phase of major healing and renovation of my personal, physical, mental, and spiritual life. I looked at the road that lay ahead and thought, "wow, this road seems so long, I am afraid I will be ugly until I reach the end." I then realized that the destination of this road was ultimate, complete and total healing, not of one aspect but of all aspects of my life. Like any road there are pit stops along the way, places to rest and recuperate in preparation for the next leg of the journey. Healing is a process, not a get well quick scheme.
But if it was a process why did it have to be so slow, why couldn't healing occur instantaneously? I then realized that, in thinking about it, you allow changes to happen gradually in your life, to ultimately assimilate this new picture of you. Our view of our self will not support sudden life changing, earth shattering changes, because we will still view ourselves as sick. It is not that healing cannot occur instantaneously, but our thoughts need time to come into alignment with this new way of existence.
The other reason for the process has to do with the idea that how you do anything is how you do everything. Therefore any positive changes made in one area will inevitably affect you in other areas. The converse is true as well, negative changes will affect you negatively in other areas. So by making positive changes in one area, that then affects other areas. Pretty soon I will be exactly where I need to be, pursuing my purpose, doing all that I am capable of, and complete and total health will reign in my body. This cannot happen until all things have been addressed, things that have many facets. Many things are buried deep and need to be unearthed. I have to be willing to take complete responsibility for my life and these things. This is the path to realization as a Child of God.
But if it was a process why did it have to be so slow, why couldn't healing occur instantaneously? I then realized that, in thinking about it, you allow changes to happen gradually in your life, to ultimately assimilate this new picture of you. Our view of our self will not support sudden life changing, earth shattering changes, because we will still view ourselves as sick. It is not that healing cannot occur instantaneously, but our thoughts need time to come into alignment with this new way of existence.
The other reason for the process has to do with the idea that how you do anything is how you do everything. Therefore any positive changes made in one area will inevitably affect you in other areas. The converse is true as well, negative changes will affect you negatively in other areas. So by making positive changes in one area, that then affects other areas. Pretty soon I will be exactly where I need to be, pursuing my purpose, doing all that I am capable of, and complete and total health will reign in my body. This cannot happen until all things have been addressed, things that have many facets. Many things are buried deep and need to be unearthed. I have to be willing to take complete responsibility for my life and these things. This is the path to realization as a Child of God.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Things I Believe In
A month or so ago I was asked to write out 2o things I believe in. I thought this would be difficult, turns out, once I got started I had more than 20.
- My purpose in life is to constantly reach for the attainment of all the potential God created me with.
- I was put on this earth to be a good steward, to mess with it as little as possible.
- If you find yourself judging someone, ask to see them in a different light, you might actually understand where they are coming from, if you listen.
- If someone makes you mad examine this because, more than likely, you possess the same trait only you don't want to admit it.
- I love being a parent because it makes me want to be a better person.
- Our children are mirrors of us, good and bad.
- These mirrors are calls to change.
- My role as a parent, is to facilitate the growth of my child by creating the most conducive environment for exploration and learning.
- Part of this means self examination, is there anything I am doing that stands between my child and the reaching her potential?
- I SIMPLY CANNOT RELATE TO MY LIFE BEFORE BECOMING A PARENT!
- Everything happens for a reason, there are lessons hidden in everything if you are seeking to grow.
- Using the word "accident" indicates that you were merely a victim of circumstance and had no control over the outcome.
- Accountability, Self Control, Self Discipline, and Organization are the keys to finding success in every undertaking in our life.
- In trying to be a better person, I often feel I am escaping from a muddy pit.
- Worry gets us no where.
- Progress can be difficult to ascertain sometimes.
- Ignorance can kill, what you don't know can hurt you.
- Questioning the beliefs you hold can be very illuminating.
- You don't know what you have until it isn't there.
- If you are not growing you are dying.
- Everyone has a voice, but few people take the time to speak, and fewer still take the time to listen.
- Everyone has a piece of the truth if we are willing to get over ourselves long enough to listen.
My Prepared Enviornment
My house is Celina-Lin's house just as much as it belongs to my husband and me. We share it, so out the door goes any magazine spread style of decorating and in comes what is best for the space, my family, and embraces my creativity. It may seem cluttered, "what toys in the living room?", but a least she puts the space to good use! I strongly dislike wasted space, every bit of space that can be used gets used. I cannot do anything drastic like knock out walls or paint pretty colors since I rent, so I had to get creative. I also have a very small space to to lots of stuff in, so my design is multifunctional.
I said before, reading Barbara Curtis became a launching point for me to create my "prepared environment" as she said. Get creative when doing something this drastic, don't be afraid to step out of the mould and create an expression of you. My house now says Tiffany, it is an expression of me.
We have a small, three bedroom, house. Two of the rooms are occupied by my dad and sister, leaving the third room for Celina-Lin, Isaac and me (we co-sleep by choice, not forced circumstances). This poor idea of a master bedroom houses two computers, two homemade work centers/bookcases/desks, mine is bigger because it holds my craft area, our roll up floor bedding, a television, three 6' bookcases, and exercise balls for computer chairs. A lot in such a small room. Any way, under the largest desk I have a collection of Celina-Lin's toss pillows for her to lay on, arrange, bury me, build forts, or whatever her heart desires to do with them. At the end of the desk is 6' bookcase with the lower half for her to put her books on. I have two computer accessories for her to use on my computer, one is an art center and the other is an educational game system. The TV is for her shows.
In my stairwell, I began hanging pictures I drew in high school that I used to think weren't any good, now I think they are neat. These were framed and hung at her level so she could appreciate them. She has her own gallery here as well. At the bottom of the stairs I have three small mirrors, hung at her level for her to look in. I also hung a coat rack here at her level.
My downstairs is part living room, part play room, part homeshool area, part dining area, and part kitchen. All her toys are down here organized nicely into pull out baskets in a grate/cube thing I created. Each basket has a specific type of toy with a label on it for her to identify where each thing should be put away at. She also has a play kitchen with plenty of play food and a real ceramic tea set for her to take care of.
Across the room from the toys is her homeschool area. This also has a cube/grate set that serves as open storage for all of her exercises. On top of this area she has her own collection of breakable things as well as some silk flower arrangements I have made for her. She also has another real and breakable tea set here as well. These breakable things that teach her grace of movement are her responsibility to take care of, a challenge she is living up to quite well. Here also is a small child table with four chairs, for her to paint at, work at, draw at, eat at, whatever suits her, it is hers.
I said before, reading Barbara Curtis became a launching point for me to create my "prepared environment" as she said. Get creative when doing something this drastic, don't be afraid to step out of the mould and create an expression of you. My house now says Tiffany, it is an expression of me.
We have a small, three bedroom, house. Two of the rooms are occupied by my dad and sister, leaving the third room for Celina-Lin, Isaac and me (we co-sleep by choice, not forced circumstances). This poor idea of a master bedroom houses two computers, two homemade work centers/bookcases/desks, mine is bigger because it holds my craft area, our roll up floor bedding, a television, three 6' bookcases, and exercise balls for computer chairs. A lot in such a small room. Any way, under the largest desk I have a collection of Celina-Lin's toss pillows for her to lay on, arrange, bury me, build forts, or whatever her heart desires to do with them. At the end of the desk is 6' bookcase with the lower half for her to put her books on. I have two computer accessories for her to use on my computer, one is an art center and the other is an educational game system. The TV is for her shows.
In my stairwell, I began hanging pictures I drew in high school that I used to think weren't any good, now I think they are neat. These were framed and hung at her level so she could appreciate them. She has her own gallery here as well. At the bottom of the stairs I have three small mirrors, hung at her level for her to look in. I also hung a coat rack here at her level.
My downstairs is part living room, part play room, part homeshool area, part dining area, and part kitchen. All her toys are down here organized nicely into pull out baskets in a grate/cube thing I created. Each basket has a specific type of toy with a label on it for her to identify where each thing should be put away at. She also has a play kitchen with plenty of play food and a real ceramic tea set for her to take care of.
Across the room from the toys is her homeschool area. This also has a cube/grate set that serves as open storage for all of her exercises. On top of this area she has her own collection of breakable things as well as some silk flower arrangements I have made for her. She also has another real and breakable tea set here as well. These breakable things that teach her grace of movement are her responsibility to take care of, a challenge she is living up to quite well. Here also is a small child table with four chairs, for her to paint at, work at, draw at, eat at, whatever suits her, it is hers.
Beginning to Homeschool
At the beginning of this year I began homeschooling my daughter. Ever since birth I knew that I wanted to homeschool, but wasn't quite sure how I would get there. There is so much information out there that it is easy to get bogged down by all the specifics. One question leads to more questions and pretty soon you are in a maze of information where you don't know which way is out, what you really want, or even how to get there. One of my hangups that has kept me from achieving success in various things is called analysis paralysis. I think about things too much, do too much research, quickly get lost, don't know how to get started and ultimately never get started. As three approached I was drowning in information and time was dwindling down. I had to make a decision, to homeschool or send her to public school.
Like all dilemmas, problems we turn over to our mind to figure out, we eventually stumble across a solution, something to help us with that dilemma. This solution is usually found in the last place we would have ever looked, because, by this time, we have moved onto something else entirely. I don't remember exactly what I was looking for, but I stumbled across a website called http://mommylife.net/ . It talked about the "prepared environment", creating an environment that is conducive to your child and facilitates their learning. It said to look at things from their perspective, small people in a world more than twice their size, and take steps to be more accommodating to them. Basically, what you are doing is: speaking directly to your child, not at them; taking their needs, wants and opinions as valid; and creating an entirely new form of communication between the two of you. Communication that can lead to peace in the household.
Barbara Curtis has twelve children over 30 some years, homeschooled most of them, was a former Montessori teacher, and an author. She seemed to know what she was talking about, it seemed correct to my heart, in fact it spoke to me, so I decided that I would apply Montessori principles to homeschooling. Boy what a relief that was. Now we can focus on the important stuff of really making this work for us. I will talk more about my "prepared environment" in another post.
Like all dilemmas, problems we turn over to our mind to figure out, we eventually stumble across a solution, something to help us with that dilemma. This solution is usually found in the last place we would have ever looked, because, by this time, we have moved onto something else entirely. I don't remember exactly what I was looking for, but I stumbled across a website called http://mommylife.net/ . It talked about the "prepared environment", creating an environment that is conducive to your child and facilitates their learning. It said to look at things from their perspective, small people in a world more than twice their size, and take steps to be more accommodating to them. Basically, what you are doing is: speaking directly to your child, not at them; taking their needs, wants and opinions as valid; and creating an entirely new form of communication between the two of you. Communication that can lead to peace in the household.
Barbara Curtis has twelve children over 30 some years, homeschooled most of them, was a former Montessori teacher, and an author. She seemed to know what she was talking about, it seemed correct to my heart, in fact it spoke to me, so I decided that I would apply Montessori principles to homeschooling. Boy what a relief that was. Now we can focus on the important stuff of really making this work for us. I will talk more about my "prepared environment" in another post.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Progress Not Perfection
Too often in this world, we come face to face with feeling inadequate. We meet someone who is doing something better than we are so we judge ourselves as lacking. Our focus needs to be on growth, expansion and foward movement. Our focus needs to be on what we know is best for our children, ourselves and our family, not what someone else says is best. After all who else knows all your circumstances, only you, so only you can say that you are ok with what you are doing. Accepting where you are does not mean stagnation. It simply means "I am fine where I am, I know where I am going, and I am taking steps to get there".
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