Insight into Growth

At a certain point, growth cannot continue unless something changes. Growth is energy and unless energy is exchanged, it cannot change. A decline in something is a change of energy; however, that energy is no longer facilitating the desired direction because it is moving on to something else. I realized with my psychology studies that I need to change something to continue. If I continue on my same path then my knowledge will not grow and I will stagnate; worse, I will never be able to help people with my knowledge. The change that must occur is the application of my knowledge and the source that drives its initiation.

Currently my knowledge is driven or sparked by my personal drama, my baggage, my pain, my disorder, my dissonance, my separation; in other words, the things about myself that I feel have somehow damaged, insecure, or limited me. I need a new source to continue. If I continue to wallow in self-pity then my knowledge will cessate or plateau at some point and I will never successfully apply this to anyone; to do so would assume that everyone is like me. If I continue to wallow in self-pity then I will fail to appreciate the awesome expanse of human individuality. If I continue on this path then my efforts are for not. I can only learn so much about myself and examine my motivations so many times and from so many different angles; at a certain point, there is nothing new to discover/recover. What then? What is the purpose of my pursuit of knowledge of human cognition and interaction if I never take the leap toward understanding the awesome expanse of human individuality?

Over the past two weeks or so I watched the entire series of Full Metal Alchemist and Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. Both drew me in, both caused me many hours of serious cogitation, both caused me feelings of expanded self, both caused self-awareness, both caused contemplation on the purpose of life, and both caused me to question my motivations. Basically, both caused a considerable earthquake that cracked my foundation. The first series caused cracks but the second series lead to fissures in my subconscious; I will never be the same.

My insight came from observing the maturation of the main character Edward Elric. I noticed that while he always had a crabby disposition, he went from being relatively happy to very angry as the show progressed. At the same time, he also grew considerably in his abilities and understanding of life. I wondered how an individual could attain such a high level of understanding and yet grow more bitter and angry. At the end of Brotherhood, Edward decided to give up his alchemic ability to bring back his brother from the other side. At this point, he was happy, secure, confident, and assured of his decision to become a regular human.

I wonder, is it possible to give up such an important part of oneself and still find happiness? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He did not give up his ability but he gave up his catalyst for that ability. If he found a new catalyst, a catalyst of love, then he would regain his ability and it would be much stronger. His catalyst was drama: pain, isolation, separation, “oughts”, “shoulds”, and all the other things he had to make right. He felt compelled to protect the weak and fight against injustice and for that he grew angrier and angrier; he lost his joy, and became encumbered in cynicism. In a strange dichotomy, he was helping people but he became more burdened than ever.

This revelation did not bode well for me; after all my purpose is to help people reach their potential by helping them to remove their psychological barriers that block success. If I continue on my path of exploring psychology from the catalyst of my own drama then I too may lose my joy. I also feel I may never properly help people. How could I help people if it meant that I would grow bitter and loose my love of life and my innocence?

I realize that help should not be about burden but about equal exchange where quality matters. If I give help with expectation of righting some wrong or fighting someone’s battle or acting as a protector then my intentions are to shoulder the burden and burden is exactly what I will get in return. Esther and Jerry Hicks in their Sara books bring up a concept they call the chain of pain. We can never participate in making the world a better place if we contribute to the chain of pain; if we assume to be a champion for someone weaker by inflicting pain on the bullying party. Pain begets pain; pain will not beget freedom. That is not equivalent exchange.

However, if I can help people to gain more and more mastery over their lives and have more control over their situation then I am not asking to shoulder burden; I am asking them to stand on their own two feet. In essence, I would say, “Here are some resources you need but you must make them work”. Jesus said that you can give a man a fish and feed him for one day or you can teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime. This is entirely dependent upon the individual’s desire to help himself. Neither of us are helped when I shoulder the burden. I am taking away their life lessons and in return putting them in a state of dependence. I am acting like I can control their lives.

I theorize that helpful behavior is directly dependent on my state of mind and belief about my purpose and my self-worth. If I feel I am worth something then I will not shoulder the burden. If I love myself, then I live in love, accept that everything happens for a reason, and know that knowledge and evetns are neutral. Events are also neutral; we give them meaning. If I am open to the synchronicity of events, then I realize that everything that happens occurs because I asked for the next leap of understanding. That is equivalent exchange. Quality matters and it is not dependent upon delusions of righteousness but on what was actually given in the first place. In return, because this is an exchange, we are both satisfied and each of us has made significant steps toward righting our own malfunction.

The primary principle in permaculture is the concept of stacking functions. Everything has more than one purpose; nothing is isolated to one solitary purpose. Everything is interdependent and functions as a whole; however, without each piece, the system is fragmented and the whole will not live up to its potential. Even the individual pieces will not live up to their potential if they do not have their needs met by interdependent association. Help is given when it is needed and out of love rather than obligation and thus everyone thrives toward potential. Equivalent exchange stacks functions because it has multiple inputs. All events have a purpose and that purpose is what the individual needs to function at potential or fix the critical errors that are leading to loss of potential. Everything happens for a reason and nothing has only one reason.

For example, someone I know lost her cat. She is upset and heartbroken. On my path I am learning what it means to live in reality but still recognize where other’s are on their journey and not impose my beliefs or suggestions on their current state of affairs. It is not right of me to assume that I know what is best for someone else. I feel this individual needs to let go and I have felt for some time that she would lose her cat because she clung to him so desperately; the cat was the epitome of everything she ever lost and she expected that he would make things right. This individual does not want to deal with her pain and chooses to drown it in substances or hide it in object displacement. I know she needs to deal with her pain. Unfortunately, as part of my growth and disentangling myself from my enabling of this situation, I became crass and unfeeling toward her; I did not want to be a part of her drama and I made sure I confronted her with her drama. In her pain today, I rubbed salt on her wounds and I heartlessly told her that everything happens for a reason and she needed to face those reasons. One purpose for this loss was to help me understand that I cannot assume to tell others how they should conduct their affairs. I need to let go and let her evolve of her own volition rather than assuming that I know how her life should play out. I am a mere outsider; I am not privy to her personal torment therefore I cannot assume to know how to fix it. Only she can fix her life; but she has to want to. Nagging will not help. I am thankful that this individual had this painful experience and was willing to share some of the reason for it happening. Now this was one reason this event happened; however, there are many more and most of them are for her. It is not up to me to decide what the meaning of this event is for her. The functions are stacked; there are many reasons this event happened and one of those reasons was to help me reevaluate my need to facilitate someone else’s life.

As a human, I am one. My efforts are the result of one. However, I am a part of the whole. I have my purpose and in fulfilling my purpose, I allow others to do their job as well. If I am broken then others will not function. My existence affects others but I am still just a part of a bigger whole; the wholeness of humanity. Humanity is broken and the machine of our collective potential is laboring and exhausted because the life giving flow of human potential critically damaged in many places as many humans have chosen to shut off their flow and interaction. I am one but I can affect the many. Long ago, I read the words of Jesus that I can do all this and more and I accepted it; I accepted that I was capable of much more than I give myself credit for. The bible also states that where two or more join their abilities are exponentially increases; no longer is it a matter of addition but it becomes multiplication. When I am a one with others, I am more powerful. I am a part of humanity and it is my duty to do my job the best I can. When I properly function then others around me will have an easier time repairing themselves because I am fixing my malfunctions so they no longer have to compensate; I am reducing their burden so they are freer to focus on their own development if they so choose.