At a certain point, growth cannot continue unless something changes. Growth
is energy and unless energy is exchanged, it cannot change. A decline in
something is a change of energy; however, that energy is no longer facilitating
the desired direction because it is moving on to something else. I realized
with my psychology studies that I need to change something to continue. If I
continue on my same path then my knowledge will not grow and I will stagnate;
worse, I will never be able to help people with my knowledge. The change that
must occur is the application of my knowledge and the source that drives its
initiation.
Currently my knowledge is driven or sparked by my personal drama, my
baggage, my pain, my disorder, my dissonance, my separation; in other words,
the things about myself that I feel have somehow damaged, insecure, or limited
me. I need a new source to continue. If I continue to wallow in self-pity then
my knowledge will cessate or plateau at some point and I will never
successfully apply this to anyone; to do so would assume that everyone is like
me. If I continue to wallow in self-pity then I will fail to appreciate the
awesome expanse of human individuality. If I continue on this path then my
efforts are for not. I can only learn so much about myself and examine my
motivations so many times and from so many different angles; at a certain
point, there is nothing new to discover/recover. What then? What is the purpose
of my pursuit of knowledge of human cognition and interaction if I never take
the leap toward understanding the awesome expanse of human individuality?
Over the past two weeks or so I watched the entire series of Full Metal Alchemist
and Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood. Both drew me in, both caused me many
hours of serious cogitation, both caused me feelings of expanded self, both
caused self-awareness, both caused contemplation on the purpose of life, and
both caused me to question my motivations. Basically, both caused a
considerable earthquake that cracked my foundation. The first series caused
cracks but the second series lead to fissures in my subconscious; I will never
be the same.
My insight came from observing the maturation of the main character Edward
Elric. I noticed that while he always had a crabby disposition, he went from
being relatively happy to very angry as the show progressed. At the same time,
he also grew considerably in his abilities and understanding of life. I
wondered how an individual could attain such a high level of understanding and
yet grow more bitter and angry. At the end of Brotherhood, Edward decided to
give up his alchemic ability to bring back his brother from the other side. At
this point, he was happy, secure, confident, and assured of his decision to
become a regular human.
I wonder, is it possible to give up such an important part of oneself and
still find happiness? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. He did not give up
his ability but he gave up his catalyst for that ability. If he found a new
catalyst, a catalyst of love, then he would regain his ability and it would be
much stronger. His catalyst was drama: pain, isolation, separation, “oughts”, “shoulds”,
and all the other things he had to make right. He felt compelled to protect the
weak and fight against injustice and for that he grew angrier and angrier; he
lost his joy, and became encumbered in cynicism. In a strange dichotomy, he was
helping people but he became more burdened than ever.
This revelation did not bode well for me; after all my purpose is to help people
reach their potential by helping them to remove their psychological barriers
that block success. If I continue on my path of exploring psychology from the
catalyst of my own drama then I too may lose my joy. I also feel I may never
properly help people. How could I help people if it meant that I would grow
bitter and loose my love of life and my innocence?
I realize that help should not be about burden but about equal exchange
where quality matters. If I give help with expectation of righting some wrong or
fighting someone’s battle or acting as a protector then my intentions are to
shoulder the burden and burden is exactly what I will get in return. Esther and
Jerry Hicks in their Sara books bring up a concept they call the chain of pain.
We can never participate in making the world a better place if we contribute to
the chain of pain; if we assume to be a champion for someone weaker by inflicting
pain on the bullying party. Pain begets pain; pain will not beget freedom. That
is not equivalent exchange.
However, if I can help people to gain more and more mastery over their lives
and have more control over their situation then I am not asking to shoulder
burden; I am asking them to stand on their own two feet. In essence, I would
say, “Here are some resources you need but you must make them work”. Jesus said
that you can give a man a fish and feed him for one day or you can teach him to
fish and feed him for a lifetime. This is entirely dependent upon the
individual’s desire to help himself. Neither of us are helped when I shoulder
the burden. I am taking away their life lessons and in return putting them in a
state of dependence. I am acting like I can control their lives.
I theorize that helpful behavior is directly dependent on my state of mind
and belief about my purpose and my self-worth. If I feel I am worth something
then I will not shoulder the burden. If I love myself, then I live in love,
accept that everything happens for a reason, and know that knowledge and evetns
are neutral. Events are also neutral; we give them meaning. If I am open to the
synchronicity of events, then I realize that everything that happens occurs
because I asked for the next leap of understanding. That is equivalent exchange.
Quality matters and it is not dependent upon delusions of righteousness but on
what was actually given in the first place. In return, because this is an exchange,
we are both satisfied and each of us has made significant steps toward righting
our own malfunction.
The primary principle in permaculture is the concept of stacking functions.
Everything has more than one purpose; nothing is isolated to one solitary
purpose. Everything is interdependent and functions as a whole; however,
without each piece, the system is fragmented and the whole will not live up to
its potential. Even the individual pieces will not live up to their potential
if they do not have their needs met by interdependent association. Help is
given when it is needed and out of love rather than obligation and thus
everyone thrives toward potential. Equivalent exchange stacks functions because
it has multiple inputs. All events have a purpose and that purpose is what the individual
needs to function at potential or fix the critical errors that are leading to
loss of potential. Everything happens for a reason and nothing has only one
reason.
For example, someone I know lost her cat. She is upset and heartbroken. On
my path I am learning what it means to live in reality but still recognize
where other’s are on their journey and not impose my beliefs or suggestions on
their current state of affairs. It is not right of me to assume that I know
what is best for someone else. I feel this individual needs to let go and I
have felt for some time that she would lose her cat because she clung to him so
desperately; the cat was the epitome of everything she ever lost and she expected
that he would make things right. This individual does not want to deal with her
pain and chooses to drown it in substances or hide it in object displacement. I
know she needs to deal with her pain. Unfortunately, as part of my growth and disentangling
myself from my enabling of this situation, I became crass and unfeeling toward
her; I did not want to be a part of her drama and I made sure I confronted her
with her drama. In her pain today, I rubbed salt on her wounds and I
heartlessly told her that everything happens for a reason and she needed to
face those reasons. One purpose for this loss was to help me understand that I
cannot assume to tell others how they should conduct their affairs. I need to
let go and let her evolve of her own volition rather than assuming that I know
how her life should play out. I am a mere outsider; I am not privy to her
personal torment therefore I cannot assume to know how to fix it. Only she can
fix her life; but she has to want to. Nagging will not help. I am thankful that
this individual had this painful experience and was willing to share some of
the reason for it happening. Now this was one reason this event happened;
however, there are many more and most of them are for her. It is not up to me to
decide what the meaning of this event is for her. The functions are stacked;
there are many reasons this event happened and one of those reasons was to help
me reevaluate my need to facilitate someone else’s life.
As a human, I am one. My efforts are the result of one. However, I am a part
of the whole. I have my purpose and in fulfilling my purpose, I allow others to
do their job as well. If I am broken then others will not function. My existence
affects others but I am still just a part of a bigger whole; the wholeness of
humanity. Humanity is broken and the machine of our collective potential is laboring
and exhausted because the life giving flow of human potential critically
damaged in many places as many humans have chosen to shut off their flow and
interaction. I am one but I can affect the many. Long ago, I read the words of
Jesus that I can do all this and more and I accepted it; I accepted that I was
capable of much more than I give myself credit for. The bible also states that where
two or more join their abilities are exponentially increases; no longer is it a
matter of addition but it becomes multiplication. When I am a one with others,
I am more powerful. I am a part of humanity and it is my duty to do my job the
best I can. When I properly function then others around me will have an easier
time repairing themselves because I am fixing my malfunctions so they no longer
have to compensate; I am reducing their burden so they are freer to focus on
their own development if they so choose.
My thoughts on my journies in homeschooling, unschooling, natural living, philosophy, personal growth, ah-ha moments, spirituality, psychology, permaculture, forest gardening, and whatever else inspires me.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Siblings But Strangers
Yesterday afternoon I finished this drawing; I have no idea where the inspiration came from but I felt almost compelled to complete it once I finally started. I entitled this picture Siblings but Strangers to bring awareness that we all come from the same source but through our petty infighting have managed to draw the lines of distinction with such definition that we no longer relate to someone who is "different" or "one of them". I detect six distinct components in this picture that I feel may represent six major religions or schools of thought; three major and three subtler. As for the three major schools of thought: The Yin-Yang represents the Eastern Philosophy; the wooden eight sided star is a Celtic Druid symbol but I felt compelled to change its orientation; and the dream catcher represents the Native American beliefs. The first subtle symbol is the orientation of the star with the dream catcher in the middle; it almost seems like a Coptic Cross. The second symbol is the necklace attached to the dream catcher; I feel this may represent materialism which appears at odds with spirituality. While less defined as a school of thought, another symbol is the shadow; there are those who believe that our shadow selves are important to know and embrace. I see the undercurrents of similarities that abundantly dance through them all; subtle hues that are overpowered by the weightier colors of definition.
The rest of the picture contains many more symbols which are not necessarily indicative of philosophical beliefs but are representations of my personal feelings. A friend of mine noticed how everything appears to be moving toward the center as if it were a vortex; I wanted to the star/dream catcher combination to appear as if it were glowing which does give the impression of movement. I choose red for the dreamcatcher and necklace because red represents the lifeblood. The orange in the star was meant to represent soil; I originally wanted to show the life cycle of the dandelion flower but images did not want to manifest. The Druid stars I have seen were all metallic, but I felt mine should be wood; perhaps due to the inherent life-quality in wood and its ability to re-sprout. I wanted all of the rainbow colors represented. The sky became both blue and purple; perhaps to represent both air and water. The green represents the earth but the shadow appears as if the earth is providing a reflection like a pool of water. The yellow in the middle of the dreamcatcher represents the sun and the element of fire. Other than the Yin-Yang the dreamcatcher necklace also contains five other charms. The triangle at the top represents journey and direction, the square represents the definition of the body, the spiral represents the mind with encompassing knowledge and wisdom, the heart represents the force of love, and the squiggle represents the caprice of joy or spiritual living. Two observations I have about how the pictured played out are the date I signed and the coloration of the star. The date: I feel 8 represents infinity because it is the infinity sign when laying on its side and 2012 is the year when the world will change and life as we know it will take on a new direction. Life exists infinitely but changes will occur that will encourage sibling recognition. The coloration of the star and its dirt also seems dual natured: on the left it seems older and more established while on the right it seems newer and fresher. It took me about 2 weeks to complete this picture and I am right handed so I draw from left to right, but I do not know if these two things could account for this old/new transition effect.
I wanted to include a picture of this piece before its completion. My friend felt it, in its incomplete state, was a great symbol. Cogitating on this, I remembered a passage I read in Jean Auel's Children of the Earth series. The main character Ayla noted that several cave paintings were incomplete and almost appeared as if the form, usually an animal, was moving out of the spirit world because part of it was faint and indistinct. I wonder if this incomplete picture represents the movement from the spirit world in to this world of definition.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Dreams that Persist
Dreams (sleep time dreams not goals) come and go. Some people remember
many dreams while others believe they do not dream at all. Exactly what dreams
are has amused and confused people since the dawn of man. Personally I believe
my dreams are insights into my subconscious or cues to clue me into mannerisms
or thoughts that I posses that I am quite unaware of; in other words they help
me be more aware of me. I am not suggesting that I am a neo-Freudian of sorts
and I believe all dreams portend latent sexual fantasies; but I do believe that
dreams are the windows to the rather unknown realm of the subconscious. In this vein of thought
then, I believe all my dreams have meaning thus I try to analyze what they
might be telling me (the ones I remember that is). Many of my remembered dreams
fade after I have addressed their underlying message or sufficient time has
passed. However, some dreams have lasted quite a long time even after I addressed
what I thought were their underlying messages. Tonight I feel compelled to
discuss four such dreams that I starkly remember as if I had them last night.
Dream One: Battle Field Church Hospital
I was walking through a field of tall grasses and perhaps some
wildflowers. I was walking in the direction of a large tree but my destination
was just beyond the tree. When I passed the tree the air became quiet and still.
My destination had arrived: a big Mission Style church. When I walked in I
heard cries of anguish and pain: there were many wounded people from a battle
that was going on. I proceeded to the front desk and told the woman that I came
to help. Like the stereotypical librarian she looked over her glasses and down
her nose at me and snorted, “You cannot help. You are too small and weak. Now
go!” “I will not go,” I said, “I came here to help!” “I told you to go, you
cannot help!” I decided it was pointless to argue with this woman when there
were so many people that obviously needed my help. I pushed my way passed her
and entered into the infirmary. At that moment the cries stopped and peace,
hope, and love filled the room.
Dream Two: Log Car
I was driving along a road in a log car (sort of like a Flinstone car).
In the passenger seat was a large, male angel (sort of like the angles
described in Kryon’s parable of Michael Thomas). The angel told me to turn left
off of the road and into a field. At first I balked but I did it. The drive was
not rough and bumpy like I would have expected and he instructed me to stop
trying to drive and let the car do it. The angel and I engaged in a wonderful,
lively conversation. Suddenly, I noticed that we were heading toward a large
tree that was looming closer and closer. I made moves to grab the steering
wheel but did not. I felt nervous and tried to point out our impending
collision but the angel kept talking as if there were no problem. Finally I
could not take the suspense and felt I had to do something to avert disaster. I
grabbed the steering wheel and turned hard; I hit the tree. My actions only
served to cement the disaster whereas if I had trusted then the car would have
easily maneuvered at just the right time. In fact, perhaps my actions
overcorrected the car’s turn in the opposite direction so rather than missing
the tree my actions hit the tree because it would have naturally moved in a
different direction.
Dream Three: Political Campaign
I was standing on an outdoor stage behind a podium. Sharing the stage
with me was another person behind a podium. We were engaged in a debate; we
were running for the same political office. The debate was heated but
professional. At one point, but I am not sure exactly what caused it, I became
incredibly fed up. Momentairly my attention wandered while my opponent was
speaking. I became hyper aware of the nature around me (the breeze, the bird
calls, the warm sun on my skin, etc.). I was brought back from my reverie by
hearing my name called and I was asked how I would respond. I looked at my
opponent, looked out at the standing crowd, and then I looked down at myself.
With a humph I pounded my fist on the podium and then kicked off my high heel
shoes. I walked around the podium while undoing my fashion tie, untucking my
shirt, and letting my hair down. While I did all that I was engaged in a
diatribe about the idiocy of all this pretention and how I wanted no part of
it. Then I grabbed the microphone and sat on the edge of the stage. Once I sat down I said, “I want no part of
this pretention; I am who I am accept me or leave me but I am tired of performing
for you.” My opponent and the campaign teams balked and my opponent took it as
an opportunity to make an impassioned plea to the people about how could they
accept someone who was unpolished and a charlatan. I may not have been on a pedestal
but I was the on the same ground as the average person. I do not know how they
decided but I did feel that my actions stymied or ended my political career. I
believe I was surprised that rather than ending it gave me a boost. Perhaps the
people craved authenticity.
Amphitheater Teacher
I was in an outdoor amphitheater on stage. I wore a burnt orange tee-shirt
and I was very pregnant. The temperature
was comfortable; I think it was late summer. I was giving a lecture on something; not sure
what is was but I feel it was important to the future wellbeing of the planet
(perhaps something like permaculture or something like that) and changes that
we humans had to make to live more in harmony. I also get the impression that
this amphitheater was on the campus I created; a center where people could
gather to learn earth and sprit wisdom.
These are my four memorable and persistant dreams.
These are my four memorable and persistant dreams.
Labels:
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Friday, May 25, 2012
Enjoying the Journey: From Stress and Loathing to Acceptance
I have been hearing many conversations
lately that discuss how our world is riddled with poisons to such an extent
that people are sick and dying to a greater extent than ever before. Toxic chemicals are added to our food, clothing,
toys, house building materials, furniture, etc. Diseases like cancer and autism
are on the rise. The more I find out, the more I feel disheartened; how can I
possibly overcome this mountain? While I truly respect those on soapboxes
trying to get out the word on this state of affairs, I am left feeling
incredibly helpless; I want to crawl under a rock and hide, I want to
disengage, I want to shut it all out, I want to ignore what I hear. But I
cannot ignore it because it is there and my ears and eyes are working just
fine.
I had an amazing experience last week that helped me realize that I am happy where I am at and that I do not want to be where I thought I would be; not if it was done at the expense of self-love and other-love and involves extreme inconvenience. Until recently I would not have been ready for my experience because I was too self-conscious about myself. I have, however, found a small level of comfort with myself and so I was ready to go into a situation where I was out of my element and stuck out like a sore thumb. This was a rugged, 'back to the land' experience; although it was not as rugged as it could have been but rugged enough to make me realize I loved, and did not want to part with, some conveniences I currently enjoy: such as a shower, heat, and a toilet across the hall :). It was almost as if life was telling me, "So you think this is what you want, well here is a chance to experience that.” Wow! Is all I can say. I am so thankful that I have a toilet across the hall, that I have a heated house, and that I have access to a shower anytime I feel grimy.
For many years (perhaps my whole
life) I frequently engaged self-loathing as I counted all the "bad"
things I did on a regular basis. My thoughts were always "someday..."
Someday I will be a gluten free raw vegan to reduce toxins I take in from gain,
animal, and cooked products. Someday I will stop consuming junk food so I do
not ingest so many chemicals and so few nutrients. Someday I will have a piece
of land to be self-sufficient on and build a home without toxic building
materials and that is kinder to the environment. Someday I will stop haplessly
consuming and buying plastics. Someday I will make or grow everything I need.
Someday, someday, someday. My point is that now is never good enough because I
always believe there is something I could be doing better. In some of my recent
writings in my psychology classes I have come to realize that I lack self-love
and self-compassion. Perhaps I will explore more on that later. For now,
suffice it to say, I never felt I was good enough and I always lived for the
future.
I had an amazing experience last week that helped me realize that I am happy where I am at and that I do not want to be where I thought I would be; not if it was done at the expense of self-love and other-love and involves extreme inconvenience. Until recently I would not have been ready for my experience because I was too self-conscious about myself. I have, however, found a small level of comfort with myself and so I was ready to go into a situation where I was out of my element and stuck out like a sore thumb. This was a rugged, 'back to the land' experience; although it was not as rugged as it could have been but rugged enough to make me realize I loved, and did not want to part with, some conveniences I currently enjoy: such as a shower, heat, and a toilet across the hall :). It was almost as if life was telling me, "So you think this is what you want, well here is a chance to experience that.” Wow! Is all I can say. I am so thankful that I have a toilet across the hall, that I have a heated house, and that I have access to a shower anytime I feel grimy.
This brings up an interesting
dichotomy (well sort of) about convenience. At what point does convenience hurt
the earth and is it possible to have convenience and still be in harmony with
the earth? Put a bit differently, at what point is convenience harming my
health, such as the constant exposure to electromagnetic energy in the
electricity and chlorine and fluoride in the water, and at what point is
convenience ok, or even beneficial to me? I suppose I will have to cogitate
more on these questions, but one thing I do know is that for now, I am fine
where I am at. I know I will continue to grow and increase my healthy actions,
I know that I will gradually make changes, and I know that I am ok with
gradual. I also know that I will find a balance between what is best for me and
what is best for the earth and what is best for society.
As for life right now, sure I will
continue to be surrounded by harmful toxins. I know this will not change
anytime soon. Armed with this knowledge I cannot fret about this state of
affairs nor can I run around frantically like I just cut off my finger in an
effort to put out those proverbial fires. If these toxins are so harmful to my
health, and I am not arguing that they are harmless, then it seems to me that
being in a state of constant stress is even more harmful to my body and will
potentially weaken my immune system enough to allow these toxins to harm me.
For now, while I am growing and making gradual change, I feel it is best for me
to accept my current state of affairs rather than stress about it. Stress will
harm me more in the end because of its compound effects. Hmmm, perhaps I will
write more about stress and how it affects the body. For now I choose to let go
of the anger, fear, and self-righteous condemnation. I refuse to be a fear
monger to myself or anyone else. I choose to be happy and content with gradual
growth.
Labels:
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psychology,
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Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Part 4 of 4: This Year's Goals and Pictures of My Garden
My
plans for this summer are to make my keyhole beds more defined and to continue
building them up with organic matter. To assist this I want to make more cement paver stones to finish out the outlining of the beds. I am excited to see how well my comfrey
does and I am getting impatient to add it to my mulches. I also plan to buy
some white clover for a general ground cover because it is low growing, tolerates
cutting if need be, and is a good dynamic accumulator. I think it is important
to add more garlic and onion and I want to get some marigolds going, which keep
failing from seed, so I will probably buy some of these plants to get them
going. The marigolds, onions, and garlic will act as general pest detractors; I will keep my eye out for other odoriferous/strong smelling plants. I will keep researching about building soil fertility and may find some
other plants I wish to add to aid in this effort. I also want to research nectary
plants to act as an attractor for beneficial insects like lady bugs; insects
that act as predators to other pest bugs like aphids. Another goal of mine,
more long term, is to plant more items from direct seeding into the ground.
Paul Wheaton also made a good argument about transplanting plants means the
plants will not have a taproot because it is highly sensitive and is always
killed in the transplanting process; I cannot remember the exact podcast but I
am sure if you search the archives at the link for the soil health podcast then
you can find it along with seeing all his other wealth of information. Finally I want to figure out how to construct mini swales and integrate some huglekultur into my layout. I will keep you posted on how my garden develops. For now, here is an article that discusses hugle culture http://www.richsoil.com/hugelkultur/.
The picture below is a sketch of my L-shaped garden space. Each square represents 4 square feet or 2'x2'.
The picture below is of the entrance to my garden. The purple plum with the green leafed plum and apricot growing underneath are in the foreground on the top, left corner. The middle section shows my makeshift arbor; a carport put up originally to serve as a greenhouse but I used as an arbor instead. On the right side of the arbor is the wire fence I attached for vining plants (grapes and kiwis will be trained up and accross and I want some others like peas or something on the fence). The paver stones are my primitive start to laying out key hole beds. As you can see the grasses and weeds are clipped low but are left to cover the bare dirt. At the end of the arbor is one of my volunteer trees (I believe is a plum). In the background behind the arbor but inside the fence are my volunteer trees: to the left are my other two volunteer trees, my apple is in the middle but hidden behind the volunteer tree under the arbor, and the peach on the right. Directly behind those trees and the fence is the grove of trees behind our property (some of those trees are cotton wood trees).
The next two pictures sort of show the plight of the stressed tree trying to reach the sun while the apricot has successfully reached it.
The next picture is a better view of my peach and apple trees with a back view of the arbor. The peach is on the left with a walnut tree touching it (apparently the walnut want to join this garden because he was 4' away last year) and the apple is on the right.
Part 3 of 4: Current Year, The Arbor, and Lessons From a Stressed Tree
Through
the winter of 2011-12 I did lots of reading and planning. I started
understanding a concept called key hole gardening so I restructured my beds to
take that shape. I also realized that I needed to hold off on any other
plantings and focus intently on building up the health of the soil. I also
started learning about making swales; which I am still looking for a good
resource on because I am missing something :).
I
left to visit my family just prior to this year’s leafing out of the plants;
when I came back three weeks later, I was pleasantly surprised. My peach and
apple came back, my grapes came back, and my three mystery trees were lush and
vibrant. Six of my eight comfrey plants I planted came up too. All of my
strawberries made appearances. Even though nearly all of my mail order plants
died and my cereal seeds never came up I still felt a great sense of
accomplishment that my important plants, important to me that is, all made it
through their first year and were happily establishing themselves.
This
year, I took a more proactive approach to my weeds rather than the love/hate
bipolar relationship I had before. I decided to trim them down as a general
ground cover so I would not have bare soil rather than letting them rule until I
had enough of them. This approach of
cutting them has been much more effective control than last year where I was
trying to hoe them up. It seems my cutting them back is keeping them in check
whereas hoeing seemed to encourage them. I am starting to understand a bit of
information about succession and thus I have noticed that the variety of my
weeds is slowly changing. The first year I had a ton of milkweed. The next year
I had milkweed mixed with grasses. This year I have more grass and fewer
milkweeds. I also have another weed which I am not sure what it is; but it
provided good mulch. Like I said, the weeds are more manageable this year. This
could be due to my perception shift of having them work for me rather than
trying to have a love/hate bipolar relationship with them. This could also be
due to maintenance on my part. It could be due to the land recognizing my
intentions. I could be due to succession. It could be due to all of that or
none of that, but the weeds are not as much of a problem.
I have
made sure that my main plants are well clear of weed invasions that could choke
them out. I am not too concerned with the weeds competing with the tree roots
because many weeds have deep taproots which go much deeper than the shallow
tree roots. I do know that the grasses may be competing, however, so my goal is
to eventually have the beds so well mulched and properly planted that they are
not a concern. I know they are nature’s attempt to start succession; however, I want to control the direction of
her succession in my garden and perhaps speed it up.
I
still irrigate my plants because I have not built any water storage into the
soil; like I said I am trying to figure out how to do that. I have noticed,
though, that my plants need less irrigation and when I irrigate the water does
not run off like it used to. This is not just my imagination. In the areas
where I put the leaves this last fall, the water just soaks in; the areas that
did not have the leaves the water quickly runs off. So I guess I am doing something
right; increasing the soil fertility by giving it dead plant materials is
helping increase the soil drainage. From what I understand then, I can deduce
that I have probably increased the earth worm population through my mulch which
in turn aerated the soil. During the winter I was also regularly adding my
extra water kefir grains and their juice; I am not sure if or how that helped,
but I was just following my intuition that perhaps they would add to the soil
microbial level.
A
surprise I was not expecting this year came from my trees: they set fruit. My one
year old apple and peach both set fruit and so did my three mystery trees. It was
hard for me to determine the identity of these mystery trees because I had the
paradigm that they came from the roots of the grove of trees behind my house;
it never entered my thought process that they came from the roots of some trees
that were on the property. Last summer I finally figured out that they bore a
strong resemblance to two trees I never took much notice of; two trees that I
thought were both apricots that had been forced to grow under the canopy of a
purple tree which I am told is a plum. I was also told that the two trees were
different: one was an apricot and the other was a different variety of plum. I was
not convinced because the two trees were nearly identical; or so I thought
until I got better at observing them. When those trees set fruit this year I
had my last piece of evidence to show me they were different and which one was
the parent of my trees: they belonged to the green leafed plum tree. Their
fruits were smooth and not fuzzy like the apricots (which had fruited before);
so I guess they are plums. Their parent or the purple tree they grow under have
never set fruit; this year both set a few fruits so this helped me in
identifying the mystery trees.
Now
that my observation skills have improved, I have set myself to assisting the
highly stressed green-leafed plum; I believe it sent out its runners because of
the stress. Unlike its partner the apricot, this tree had never reached the
light. The apricot fruited because it was in the light; this one never fruited because
no sun ever reached it. Whenever it sent out side branches it was immediately
pruned. I took it over this year and kept those side branches and pruned out
the top ones that were growing up into the purple-leafed plum in their vain
attempt to reach some sun. I also tied a particularly long branch I found over
to my arbor with the hope that if this branch was in the sun that it would
encourage others to follow it too. I did this only four days ago, but I could
swear that the tree looks fuller on the side and certain branches seem like
they are taking more effort to reach for the sun. Another interesting event is
that the apricot has found my arbor and has taken a fancy to it. Now my arbor
that was originally for grapes and kiwis will now host apricots and plums
growing over the top.
This
is an interesting observation for me to illustrate an important concept in the
canopy of the forest garden. From what I read, the trees should be placed in
such a way that some sunlight is still able to penetrate to the garden floor. The
edge of the forest, where it meets a field, is usually the most productive
place of the entire forest; the interior of the forest is the least productive.
While many plants do quite well in deep shade and many perennials grew up in forests
originally, they were always more productive where they received dappled sun.
The lesson that this tree showed me was that some sun is still important; I
will keep this in mind so I do not plant too densely. I think this may be
another reason that I have intuitively held off on getting more plants.
My
comfrey are other plants I want to discuss. The comfrey plant that is the
biggest is in dappled sun, but high shade. The next biggest one is near that
area too. Both of these plants are in my arbor area for the grapes and kiwis.
One grape is also growing in this dappled sun but once it grows up a bit it
will be in full sun; just the floor is quite shaded. Four other comfrey plants
emerged last week; two on each side of my peach, one by the apple, and the
fourth in an area I was going to make a bed but later decided against so it is
out in the middle of an area with no companions except the grasses. All four
are in full sun and they seem to be struggling. Frankly I am surprised that
they are still growing and preserving. I did not realize that they needed
partial shade to grow so the full sun is probably quite taxing. The ones under
the peach and the apple will eventually be shaded but their trees are still
very young and quite sparse. I am interested to see what nature will do with
these plants; if they will live or die or die back and come back when there is
more shade. Next to the comfrey under the peach are some onions growing so this
combination is probably greatly helping the fertility of the soil around the peach;
I wonder if this will be enough to keep the peach pest free. I heard from Paul
Wheaton in his latest podcast at http://www.richsoil.com/permaculture/1777-162-berms-and-cherry-tree-intervention/
that fertile soil, which leads to healthy plants, is enough to keep most pests
away. Time will tell I guess. This little interaction along with how the
comfreys develop should be interesting to observe. In part four, I wish to espouse
some of my goals for this year and I also want to show you some pictures of
what my garden currently looks like and a picture of a scale, but not exact, drawing
I did showing the dimensions and the placements of my plants.
Part 2 of 4: 2011 Year Two The Garden Takes Shape
By
the spring of 2011 I had compiled a large list of plants I wanted to put in my
garden. I had read more on permaculture but I did not heed the advice to
observe the land and sculpt it before putting in permanent plantings of
perennials. I was too impatient and I wanted to grow my own food. As I was
perusing for plants I quickly realized that organic, non-GMO, heirloom, etc
were not only expensive but were hard to find. I made the decision that I could
embark on that path little by little, but since what I really wanted was to get
my forest garden going, I decided to temporarily put those standards on hold. Off
to Costco, Home Depot, and mail order catalogues I went. At Costco I purchased
a three in one grafted apple tree, a peach tree, and some blueberry bushes. At
Home Depot I purchased a red grape, a green grape, and a raspberry. From the
mail order I purchased cold-hardy kiwis, sweet pea perennial plants, two paw-paw,
some honeysuckle vines, strawberries, and a few other plants. I did not have
the knowledge to take starts of these plants nor did I have the resources of
where to get those starts from in the first place. I was slightly concerned that
my very inexperience would spell doom for these plants but I was too impatient.
If these plants did die then I was out a small chunk of change; but I also
realized I would have valuable experience.
I
had my plants well before it was planting time in my area. I kept them in a
dark shed but never the less they decided to prolifically leaf out. Concerned
for their health because they were only in a bark medium, I made the decision
to plant them even though I was concerned it was too cold. I dug holes, put in leaf
debris and kitchen scraps in the bottom hopping they would give some nutrients,
placed the plant, and filled with dirt. I did not amend the soil to proper
conditions, I did not add fertilizer, I did not add mulch, I did not add sand
to break up my clay soil, I did not test my soil density, I did not test soil
ph, and I did not do what I was “supposed to do” when planting a plant. I only gave
them was a leafy bottom to sit on. I was certain I spelled out their death
sentence. I still did not understand that forest gardening was about purposeful
manipulation of the environment to provide the best conditions for the plant. I
thought forest gardening went in the opposite direction from traditional
gardening with its focus on letting the plant fend for itself. I later realized
that this fending was only done once all its needs had been met by the
gardener. It was never supposed to be a sink or swim on its own ordeal.
Some
of my plants died, particularly the mail order ones; however, most survived. My
two grapes that I thought had died made a comeback this year. Once I got all
these plants in the ground and delineated their actual beds with a border of
cement paver stones I made a few years ago, I decided that my next step was to
companion plant them. I began looking for companion plant lists and found
several plants to add to my wish list for next spring. At this time I kept
having a nagging idea that I needed to focus my efforts on building soil
fertility. I began searching for dynamic accumulator plants. During this time I
also began nurturing two other volunteer mystery trees that were identical to
the first. I also took active steps to identify them.
For
the fall I ordered comfrey roots and some cereal seeds buckwheat and rye that
are supposed to be good cover crop plants. I decided that I wanted to cover the
empty spaces with beneficial nutrient offering plants, also known as dynamic
accumulators. Once the leaves fell from the trees I piled them up on my new
beds. It was so nice to see my garden taking shape. In part three, I discuss
the third and current year of my forest garden, I describe my arbor, and my lessons learned
from a stressed plant.
Labels:
apple,
dynamic accumulators,
Forest Gardening,
grape,
kiwi,
mulch,
peach,
planting,
strawberries,
water
Part 1 of 4: Beginnings of My Forest Garden
I
have made allusions to the idea that I have a forest garden going and I posted
my research paper that first motivated me to start forest gardening; yet, I
have never actually described my garden. Here is my attempt to explain what I
have going on, where my knowledge is currently, and some directions I want to
head in. I split this into four parts. Part
one is the first year I tried to implement some forest garden concepts. Part
two is the second year where my efforts looked more like forest gardening with
the planting of trees and plants that would serve as my backbone of sorts. Part
three is my current year of tending my forest garden and the insights I have
gained. Finally, in part 4 I listed my goals for this year and posted some
pictures of my current garden.
Two
years ago in spring of 2010, I took over the management of an L-shaped garden
space. This space was previously organically cultivated with typical row vegetables
like corn, peppers, tomatoes, squash, etc. A few months prior to this time I had
written my research paper on forest gardening so I was very excited to put into
practice what I had learned… which as it turned out barely scratched the surface
:).
I
cleared out a section of weeds and proceeded to seed in a 10’x10’ section of
corn, sunflowers, beans, and squash. I was trying to grow the traditional three
sister’s crop, corn, beans, and squash that I wrote about in my paper. I was
also growing the sunflowers for their added shade and to experiment with a
rapid, mini-upper story. Those plants were very brave… For the rest of the
growing season they only received supplemental watering once a week and they
had weeds knocking on their doorstep as constant companions. I was admonished
to pull the weeds, but my newbie research led me to believe that all weeds were
good, that they had just as much right to live as any cultivated plant, that
they would help rather than harm, etc. I now realize that not all weeds are
good, that it is ok to direct their growth habits, that they provide excellent mulch,
and many other things about weeds; but I also admit that I have a lot of
learning in this area. As for the water
thing, I was convinced that plants could live without supplemental watering…
Little did I know that this is only true if I put time and effort into sculpting
the land to hold the water. Ooops.
Well,
by the time fall came I had a garden full of weeds, none of my plants could
produce anything beyond some attempts at upward growth because they were so
dehydrated, and my first attempt to forest garden was an utter flop. When the
leaves began to drop from the trees and all the weeds died back I attempted to
put down a kill mulch of several layers of newspaper; needless to say the wind
had other ideas so it was a mulch that never was. I did, however, make my first
real attempts to nurture some perennials. During the summer a strange tree
started growing off to the side of my garden space. I was told to cut it down
because it was one of “those pesky trees” that lived in a grove behind our
house. I liked it and those trees as well. I said I was keeping it. I carefully
wrapped its trunk in newspaper to officially mark it as my tree. I said it
would be the upper story in my garden because it would reach 50’ or so if it
were one from the grove behind our house. It did not occur to me until later that
the upper story did not have reside in my small garden space. Just prior to the
leaf drop I also rescued some baby trees from a grove of walnuts and peaches
that was cultivated on an adjacent spot to my garden. I transplanted a walnut
and two mystery trees. I also wrapped around their trunks at the base. With
that I put my feeble attempt of a forest garden to bed for the winter. I am not
a master gardener so I did not mulch or “cleanup” my space of dead debris. In
part two I will discuss my 2011 planting year.
Labels:
Forest Gardening,
three sister's crop,
volunteer trees,
weeds
Monday, May 21, 2012
40 Days of Blogging and Being More Human
Lately I have been mulling over how I want this blog to appear because it is ultimately a reflection of me. I have had the thought for some time now that I wanted to be more authentic in my daily dealings rather than hiding behind the veil of pretense. This blog, up to this point, has not been an accurate reflection of me; it was the polished version of me that I wanted to show the world. My dream, as crazy, redundant, and ambiguous as it sounds it to help people emerge from the darkness of their lives. This is my purpose for studying psychology: I do not want to drug people up I want to help them find the source of their problems and fix it. This is my purpose for studying forest gardening: to help feed the world by providing a light at the end of the tunnel. This is my purpose for unschooling, attachment parenting, and things in this vein: so my daughter can build immunity from the world's darkness by retaining her own light. This is my purpose in whatever I do.
I realized the other day that I would never achieve this dream. My failure to achieve this has nothing to do with the darkness of the world; rather it has everything to do with my embrace of the darkness and refusing to let go. It is my fault that I will never reach this dream of helping others emerge from the darkness. It was a very downtrodden moment for me to come face to face with the realities of my current mode of thinking and realize that the potential outcome would be something that would not help people but would contribute to that perpetual chain of endless misery. In other words, I would end up assisting the very thing I seek to eliminate. I do not want to contribute to that endless chain of misery.
At this point I have two options that I can see. One, I continue my current path or two, I take the detour. Well I cannot find the detour until I can define my path right now. That is not entirely true because I can take the detour at anytime; however, I will gain much more from it if I know what I need to work on. Thus I suppose it is more accurate to say that I do not feel the detour would do me any good or advance me toward my dream if I taint it with my darkness.
Well first off, I seem to thrive on pretense. So I feel my first step should be to practice self-authenticity. I think it will take me awhile to be comfortable speaking my mind to those around me and standing up for what I believe in rather than letting them walk all over me. For now, I will practice my authenticity online so perhaps this will give me greater courage in face to face interactions.
How will I do that? Well I am going to start with this blog. For starters, I am setting a goal for myself to put up at least one blog post per day for the rest of May and all of June. Next, I want to discuss more thoughts in the raw meaning thoughts that come to me rather than waiting to present them along with an image. For three, I want to blog about my daily upsets and victories like a journal. Four, I want to write regular updates on some of my projects. Five, I want to show people my human side. This last part is perhaps the most important to my goal of helping others find their light. I cannot hope to help people if I myself seem aloof or on a pedestal; no, I have to be human and admit my mistakes so that we are comrades in the crazy and sometimes embarrassing arena of life changes.
So to recap the goal I have set for myself: I will blog at least one entry for the next 40 days by including my very human thoughts and my progress on the current status of my projects. These posts may seem more like rambling than what I have written, but it is my hope to connect with my deeper subconscious and bring this power into my daily interactions.
To the birth of wonderful creations,
~Tiffany
Monday, April 2, 2012
Expanding the Defninition of Teacher
Recently I have had the feeling that I was at a new stage in my life. I felt I was ready to move on and explore life from a hands-on perspective. I felt certain that I was finally ready for a teacher to guide me on this path. This last week I had an interesting experience that led me to realize that my definition of teacher was limited. First off, I thought a teacher was someone who specifically took me on as a student with the purpose to enlighten me on particular concepts. Second, I thought a teacher was supposed to purposely inspire me and help me question my attachments. I suppose it is obvious at this point that I am taking about a special type of teacher although these definitions could fit any teacher to various degrees. The teacher I was waiting for was a spiritual teacher.
My experience this past week, culminating today, helped me realize this definition was too narrow. I realized that all human interactions have the potential to help one learn about oneself; especially when strong feelings arise. I also realized that a teacher does not have to know they are teaching. Even if a person does not think he or she has something to pass along it does not mean that what he or she does know will not benefit someone else. I also realized that how we interact with people can be a better teacher than forced or on-purpose teaching. The experience I speak of was an encounter with another person and emotions were intense. While things did not turn out as I secretly hoped they would, I did learn a tremendous amount from this experience even though this person emphatically posited that he was not a teacher. He was a teacher because I was willing to listen to the lesson born from our interaction.
This brings me to the idea I have struggled with for so long. I fully realize that as a parent I am onstage. My daughter will or can pick up anything and everything I do and mimic it with beautiful accuracy. I tell you, if you want to know what your dark side looks like watch your children; if something they do makes you mad then most likely it is something about yourself that you do not want to admit. Because my daughter mirrors me I get instant feedback. Isn't that what a teacher does is provide feedback.
However, these teacher/student relationships are quite ambiguous. The teacher is not trying to teach and the lessons are up to what the student observes and processes. In the case of children they are not necessarily teaching but showing and it is up to the individual to assimilate this information. I can only learn lessons from my daughter because I am open to observing and integrating them. It is the same thing with this experience I had. He was not teaching; we were interacting and I was observing myself. The lessons I gained were not from lesson plans that he prepared; I had to find the lessons.
I realized that at any moment the individual has the potential to be a teacher and a student; it all depends upon our agreed upon interaction with the other individual(s) and what we truly need. A verse from the Bible keeps wondering through my head that said something like, "Blessed is he who can see without seeing and hear without hearing". I always thought a proper teacher would cross paths with me and our roles would be well defined. In other words, I would see and hear in the very physical sense. If, however, teacher/student roles are more subtle then that means one must be astute enough to realize what is going on without the sensory seeing and hearing. Thus the question is can I learn without seeing and hearing meaning can I learn from the ambiguity of life?
I am thankful for the lessons I learned today and the potential for more freedom from self-bondage.
My experience this past week, culminating today, helped me realize this definition was too narrow. I realized that all human interactions have the potential to help one learn about oneself; especially when strong feelings arise. I also realized that a teacher does not have to know they are teaching. Even if a person does not think he or she has something to pass along it does not mean that what he or she does know will not benefit someone else. I also realized that how we interact with people can be a better teacher than forced or on-purpose teaching. The experience I speak of was an encounter with another person and emotions were intense. While things did not turn out as I secretly hoped they would, I did learn a tremendous amount from this experience even though this person emphatically posited that he was not a teacher. He was a teacher because I was willing to listen to the lesson born from our interaction.
This brings me to the idea I have struggled with for so long. I fully realize that as a parent I am onstage. My daughter will or can pick up anything and everything I do and mimic it with beautiful accuracy. I tell you, if you want to know what your dark side looks like watch your children; if something they do makes you mad then most likely it is something about yourself that you do not want to admit. Because my daughter mirrors me I get instant feedback. Isn't that what a teacher does is provide feedback.
However, these teacher/student relationships are quite ambiguous. The teacher is not trying to teach and the lessons are up to what the student observes and processes. In the case of children they are not necessarily teaching but showing and it is up to the individual to assimilate this information. I can only learn lessons from my daughter because I am open to observing and integrating them. It is the same thing with this experience I had. He was not teaching; we were interacting and I was observing myself. The lessons I gained were not from lesson plans that he prepared; I had to find the lessons.
I realized that at any moment the individual has the potential to be a teacher and a student; it all depends upon our agreed upon interaction with the other individual(s) and what we truly need. A verse from the Bible keeps wondering through my head that said something like, "Blessed is he who can see without seeing and hear without hearing". I always thought a proper teacher would cross paths with me and our roles would be well defined. In other words, I would see and hear in the very physical sense. If, however, teacher/student roles are more subtle then that means one must be astute enough to realize what is going on without the sensory seeing and hearing. Thus the question is can I learn without seeing and hearing meaning can I learn from the ambiguity of life?
I am thankful for the lessons I learned today and the potential for more freedom from self-bondage.
Labels:
freedom,
lessons,
self abuse,
self awareness,
student,
teacher
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