Expanding the Defninition of Teacher

Recently I have had the feeling that I was at a new stage in my life. I felt I was ready to move on and explore life from a hands-on perspective. I felt certain that I was finally ready for a teacher to guide me on this path. This last week I had an interesting experience that led me to realize that my definition of teacher was limited. First off, I thought a teacher was someone who specifically took me on as a student with the purpose to enlighten me on particular concepts. Second, I thought a teacher was supposed to purposely inspire me and help me question my attachments. I suppose it is obvious at this point that I am taking about a special type of teacher although these definitions could fit any teacher to various degrees. The teacher I was waiting for was a spiritual teacher.

My experience this past week, culminating today, helped me realize this definition was too narrow. I realized that all human interactions have the potential to help one learn about oneself; especially when strong feelings arise. I also realized that a teacher does not have to know they are teaching. Even if a person does not think he or she has something to pass along it does not mean that what he or she does know will not benefit someone else. I also realized that how we interact with people can be a better teacher than forced or on-purpose teaching. The experience I speak of was an encounter with another person and emotions were intense. While things did not turn out as I secretly hoped they would, I did learn a tremendous amount from this experience even though this person emphatically posited that he was not a teacher. He was a teacher because I was willing to listen to the lesson born from our interaction.

This brings me to the idea I have struggled with for so long. I fully realize that as a parent I am onstage. My daughter will or can pick up anything and everything I do and mimic it with beautiful accuracy. I tell you, if you want to know what your dark side looks like watch your children; if something they do makes you mad then most likely it is something about yourself that you do not want to admit. Because my daughter mirrors me I get instant feedback. Isn't that what a teacher does is provide feedback.

However, these teacher/student relationships are quite ambiguous. The teacher is not trying to teach and the lessons are up to what the student observes and processes. In the case of children they are not necessarily teaching but showing and it is up to the individual to assimilate this information. I can only learn lessons from my daughter because I am open to observing and integrating them. It is the same thing with this experience I had.  He was not teaching; we were interacting and I was observing myself. The lessons I gained were not from lesson plans that he prepared; I had to find the lessons.

I realized that at any moment the individual has the potential to be a teacher and a student; it all depends upon our agreed upon interaction with the other individual(s) and what we truly need. A verse from the Bible keeps wondering through my head that said something like, "Blessed is he who can see without seeing and hear without hearing". I always thought a proper teacher would cross paths with me and our roles would be well defined. In other words,  I would see and hear in the very physical sense. If, however, teacher/student roles are more subtle then that means one must be astute enough to realize what is going on without the sensory seeing and hearing. Thus the question is can I learn without seeing and hearing meaning can I learn from the ambiguity of life?

I am thankful for the lessons I learned today and the potential for more freedom from self-bondage.

My Voice

For my entire life I have been plagued by: poor self esteem, lack of self confidence, self doubt, unconsciously sabotaging any happiness I came across, and finding avenues of distraction from my real self. Without realizing it, I was responsible for being unhappy, unhealthy, unsuccessful, and trapped in a life of my creation. I would not let my voice be heard or openly express my creativity. I often became too emotionally involved in something and often got hurt. I existed in a paradox. On one hand I wanted to express myself and tried, on the other hand I kept doing things to sabotage that expression because I was unconsciously afraid of getting hurt.

Through serious self examination and extensive journaling, I finally realized that my unconscious contained many closed closets. These closets were overflowing, ready to explode and spew their contents all over my life. These were things that I had put away from sight to forget about. There was so much stuff contained in them that I no longer remembered, buried things that were about to surface. If this stuff came out too suddenly, being spewed all over my life for example, I would not be able to handle it. That is why the road to healing is long, to give yourself time to become reacquainted with this stuff, accept it, and change it.

I often tried to run and hide. I ignored the promptings from my subconscious to look at things for what they are, not this rainbow and skittles lens I wanted to put on it. My life was a mess, I encountered problems at every turn. I tried to do things that were good, beneficial and positive for myself, but I was never happy. I always felt as if something were missing. I despised myself as I constantly measured myself against others and always determined myself as lacking. I always wanted to be the best but nothing was ever good enough. The showroom of my life had become decorated with huge elephants standing in the middle of the room that I kept trying to look around and never wanted to talk about.

Through journaling I realized that everything is connected, how you do anything is how you do everything, and all problems you have are merely symptoms of bigger problems. Basically all problems are the fruits of the tree. We keep attacking fruits and expect the tree to die. But that tree will perpetually stand because it has strong, deep roots to sustain it.