My Voice

For my entire life I have been plagued by: poor self esteem, lack of self confidence, self doubt, unconsciously sabotaging any happiness I came across, and finding avenues of distraction from my real self. Without realizing it, I was responsible for being unhappy, unhealthy, unsuccessful, and trapped in a life of my creation. I would not let my voice be heard or openly express my creativity. I often became too emotionally involved in something and often got hurt. I existed in a paradox. On one hand I wanted to express myself and tried, on the other hand I kept doing things to sabotage that expression because I was unconsciously afraid of getting hurt.

Through serious self examination and extensive journaling, I finally realized that my unconscious contained many closed closets. These closets were overflowing, ready to explode and spew their contents all over my life. These were things that I had put away from sight to forget about. There was so much stuff contained in them that I no longer remembered, buried things that were about to surface. If this stuff came out too suddenly, being spewed all over my life for example, I would not be able to handle it. That is why the road to healing is long, to give yourself time to become reacquainted with this stuff, accept it, and change it.

I often tried to run and hide. I ignored the promptings from my subconscious to look at things for what they are, not this rainbow and skittles lens I wanted to put on it. My life was a mess, I encountered problems at every turn. I tried to do things that were good, beneficial and positive for myself, but I was never happy. I always felt as if something were missing. I despised myself as I constantly measured myself against others and always determined myself as lacking. I always wanted to be the best but nothing was ever good enough. The showroom of my life had become decorated with huge elephants standing in the middle of the room that I kept trying to look around and never wanted to talk about.

Through journaling I realized that everything is connected, how you do anything is how you do everything, and all problems you have are merely symptoms of bigger problems. Basically all problems are the fruits of the tree. We keep attacking fruits and expect the tree to die. But that tree will perpetually stand because it has strong, deep roots to sustain it.