Enjoying the Journey: From Stress and Loathing to Acceptance

I have been hearing many conversations lately that discuss how our world is riddled with poisons to such an extent that people are sick and dying to a greater extent than ever before. Toxic chemicals are added to our food, clothing, toys, house building materials, furniture, etc. Diseases like cancer and autism are on the rise. The more I find out, the more I feel disheartened; how can I possibly overcome this mountain? While I truly respect those on soapboxes trying to get out the word on this state of affairs, I am left feeling incredibly helpless; I want to crawl under a rock and hide, I want to disengage, I want to shut it all out, I want to ignore what I hear. But I cannot ignore it because it is there and my ears and eyes are working just fine.

For many years (perhaps my whole life) I frequently engaged self-loathing as I counted all the "bad" things I did on a regular basis. My thoughts were always "someday..." Someday I will be a gluten free raw vegan to reduce toxins I take in from gain, animal, and cooked products. Someday I will stop consuming junk food so I do not ingest so many chemicals and so few nutrients. Someday I will have a piece of land to be self-sufficient on and build a home without toxic building materials and that is kinder to the environment. Someday I will stop haplessly consuming and buying plastics. Someday I will make or grow everything I need. Someday, someday, someday. My point is that now is never good enough because I always believe there is something I could be doing better. In some of my recent writings in my psychology classes I have come to realize that I lack self-love and self-compassion. Perhaps I will explore more on that later. For now, suffice it to say, I never felt I was good enough and I always lived for the future.

I had an amazing experience last week that helped me realize that I am happy where I am at and that I do not want to be where I thought I would be; not if it was done at the expense of self-love and other-love and involves extreme inconvenience. Until recently I would not have been ready for my experience because I was too self-conscious about myself. I have, however, found a small level of comfort with myself and so I was ready to go into a situation where I was out of my element and stuck out like a sore thumb. This was a rugged, 'back to the land' experience; although it was not as rugged as it could have been but rugged enough to make me realize I loved, and did not want to part with, some conveniences I currently enjoy: such as a shower, heat, and a toilet across the hall :). It was almost as if life was telling me, "So you think this is what you want, well here is a chance to experience that.” Wow! Is all I can say. I am so thankful that I have a toilet across the hall, that I have a heated house, and that I have access to a shower anytime I feel grimy.

This brings up an interesting dichotomy (well sort of) about convenience. At what point does convenience hurt the earth and is it possible to have convenience and still be in harmony with the earth? Put a bit differently, at what point is convenience harming my health, such as the constant exposure to electromagnetic energy in the electricity and chlorine and fluoride in the water, and at what point is convenience ok, or even beneficial to me? I suppose I will have to cogitate more on these questions, but one thing I do know is that for now, I am fine where I am at. I know I will continue to grow and increase my healthy actions, I know that I will gradually make changes, and I know that I am ok with gradual. I also know that I will find a balance between what is best for me and what is best for the earth and what is best for society.

As for life right now, sure I will continue to be surrounded by harmful toxins. I know this will not change anytime soon. Armed with this knowledge I cannot fret about this state of affairs nor can I run around frantically like I just cut off my finger in an effort to put out those proverbial fires. If these toxins are so harmful to my health, and I am not arguing that they are harmless, then it seems to me that being in a state of constant stress is even more harmful to my body and will potentially weaken my immune system enough to allow these toxins to harm me. For now, while I am growing and making gradual change, I feel it is best for me to accept my current state of affairs rather than stress about it. Stress will harm me more in the end because of its compound effects. Hmmm, perhaps I will write more about stress and how it affects the body. For now I choose to let go of the anger, fear, and self-righteous condemnation. I refuse to be a fear monger to myself or anyone else. I choose to be happy and content with gradual growth.

Self-Compassion

My daughter is my inspiration to be a better person; I have completely changed my thoughts regarding parenting so I can help her achieve her "potential". I work hard at practicing non-violent communication and practicing cooperation rather than coercion. But it seems that no matter how hard I try my daughter and I often butt heads. My daughter's personality is almost exactly like mine so we but heads frequently. As our wills collide I often find my desires of cooperation and communication flying out the window as I engage in my programming of yelling and coercion. I hate it when I do this and I feel like it isn't even me. I get so angry at myself for acting in this way; so opposite of good communication. As I chided myself I came up with plans on what I would do next time. Then next time came and those plans were not there; my programming was. I realized that to end this cycle, something had to change. As I took steps to remember my small successes I embraced self-compassion. Through this I was able to begin the process toward recognizing small potentials.  



Awhile back I realized the need for self-compassion. What this means is that I give myself permission to be me and I remove the yardstick of comparison. I attempt to look at my life within a larger scope and remember all the progress I have made; even if it isn't the same area. Remembering this progress helps me realize that every day I get better and better at leading a more in tune life. Self-compassion gives me permission to make mistakes and helps me look at mistakes in a different light; reframing them to a positive way. When I act compassionately toward myself, then I can give compassion toward others. Thus when I feel myself getting angry I let myself express that, but I also remember that I need to cool off before continuing. I walk away, I count, or I ask my husband to take over. Either way, I am interrupting my normal response. Then, when I have a chance to think over it I tell myself my response was ok, that I am ok, and that I am learning. I searched for what I do that was positive and I focused on that even if the only positive thing was my pattern interrupt. Focusing on the positive enables me to remove myself from the negative rumination.



Another trick I discovered in self-compassion is to pick my battles. For example, I used to yell and get angry at my daughter for failing to clean up the room. We live in tight quarters and her play room is also our sleeping room where I lay out our bedding on the floor each evening therefore the room must be completely picked up. One day I realized that the yelling was ridiculous and it made me feel icky to get so angry. Therefore I made the decision that if I wanted the toys a particular way then I would assist her clean up. I would set the example of what I wanted rather than expecting her to respect what I had already established. Even if she did not help me but continued to play, I knew my example was important so I continued. Yes there are many times where I cleaned up the whole room by myself. I picked my battle, decided that the relationship with my daughter and a tidy room were both important to me so I took actions to preserve both. Many months later, I am finally seeing my efforts paying off. My daughter and her cousin who often plays with her are both more contentious about their mess and both take efforts to clean up and put things away where they belong. Many nights of yelling and anger to get them to do it correctly did not work. However, many nights of setting the example and choosing peace did. I could list many other areas where I choose my battles but the most important thing is to decide what I wanted and take actions to model what I wanted. I am not suggesting that I have it all figured out, but I have made significant progress.

Potential

Human potential. My potential. Living up to potential. Thoughts and actions that harm my potential. Am I moving toward my potential? Should I do something to move quicker? Should I do something specific to get there? Should I specifically decide what my potential is and what activities or thoughts are conducive to getting there? Hmmm...

What is potential? This question rings as a constant companion in my thoughts as I obsess in getting there. I believe that I can be like Jesus; to do the things he did. I also believe that I can be more than he was like he suggested. I believe that my current life is not living up to my potential. I believe I am wasting my potential. I believe I should whip myself into shape and force myself to toe the line of an upstanding and empowered individual. But is this line of thinking correct?

If I believe my potential is somewhere out there and all my actions cause me to fall miserably short, then will I ever reach potential? What if potential is not some big thing to aspire to someday? What if I looked at the present? If I were to look at the present moment and say, "this is what I am right now", then how would that change this concept of potential?

Right now I sit at my desk typing away on my laptop. I worked on homework for awhile, checked my email, attended to Facebook, played a game, worked on homework some more, changed my kefir grains to new sugar water, bla, bla, bla. Right now I am involved in a typical routine; a routine I work toward to better myself. Sure there are things I could do better in this routine. I could exercise in the morning, I could stop looking at my email and Facebook hoping for a distraction, I could stop playing games, etc. If I were to look at my day I can give a dissertation about all thing things I should be doing; things that are "keeping" me from my potential. Things that show I am lazy and hold me back; habits that I struggle to change. But that is all in the future. What about right now? Honestly, I am tired of this concept of potential and how it has become a yardstick to gauge myself by. Big surprise, or perhaps not, I often measure myself as lacking :(.

Maybe I am looking at this whole potential thing wrong. Not only should I look at what I am doing in the present, but I should also look at what I am doing well. What have I achieved that I was unable to before? Where am I better? Where have I grown? What is my overall trend? Am I growing? Am I stagnant? What time frame am I looking at for comparison? Am I being fair or am I somehow skewing and misinterpreting the results so that I look bad?

I am going to try something. For the next month or so I promise to monitor my thinking in regard to potential. Instead of looking at potential as something out there, I promise to look at potential as something in here; something that is right here, right now, with me at all moments. If something happens that I feel "keeps" me from my potential, then I promise to address my thinking and refocus it. I have done this on a limited scale when I practice self-compassion by picking my battles, but I want to apply it to all my thinking; particularly the rumination that states I am doing something wrong. I promise to find what I did do “right” and focus on those wins rather than ruminating on the losses. I promise to tell myself that I did the best I could and at that moment I lived up to my potential. I promise to recognize that potential is always about what is possible at the moment rather than something out there. Everything is a part of everything else and everything is always a part of something bigger. Sure there is the big potential of an event in some far off future. There are also the smaller potentials that stack up to create the larger potential. I promise to recognize the smaller potentials, the small wins, the small acceptances, and the small events that lead to the larger event. I am who I am today because of all that I was before.

Remember before when I spoke of the windfall effect? This idea of an unreachable potential yardstick of comparison is an example of a windfall. It states that potential is only some far off event and that currently you are not living up to it. It expects you to act well and appropriately as if to live your potential now. It fails to account for the accumulation of potentials, for the accumulation of energy, for the accumulation of stuff, or for the parts and pieces that make up the whole. It expects everything at once and will always judge as lacking because everything is not manifest. It is a lie we tell ourselves so that we can hide from our true selves. The fact is, I and you are more powerful than we give ourselves credit for. Therefore, it is my assumption that if I learn to recognize the smaller potentials then a day will come when I will see the project they contributed to building; the project of me. Until then I can still see the whole in the pieces and be thankful for each of them because without them then I would be incomplete. I, for one, am tired of feeling incomplete therefore I want to gather all my minute potentials and recognize them as complete in and of themselves. 

 Update

Well I am not sure if I have adequately addressed my poisonous thought process; that is a process and will take time to undo 31 years of conditioning. I can say that today I happier than I was six months ago. My life is  flowing, I am becoming more social, I am comfortable waiting, and I recognize the achievements I have. I came across and article today, June 12, 2012 on potential. I believe I wrote before about my beliefs with the potential of the human brain. I now know I want to partner with that amazing mass between my ears so that we can co-create wonders. I always wondered if humans could teach themselves to achieve feats like those seen on Phenomenon; for the first time someone has confirmed my suspicion. Here is the link to the article http://rethinkingeverythingtheblog.com/2012/06/12/mind-power/.